Blog Carnival for survivors!! Check it out.

Marj has been working very hard to put together a blog carnival against child abuse. Please take some time to view the submissions. Blog Carnival.

Marj, I'd like to thank you for putting time into organizing everyone's blogs. Knowing that we're all out there, breathing, talking, writing, surviving, is very heartwarming. Empowering. Thank you.


I'm off to visit mom for the weekend :) and to move half of my stuff home. I'm getting ready to head out to california for the semester. Talk about paving new pathways. I'm excited.

A good day

I had a great day today. I decided the last night that I was going to work out this morning. So I did. Don't get too excited...it took me a month of planning to get up to actually do it. First time I've worked out in a month. I miss it. I hate a great day afterward. Fully of energy. I wasn't tired at work. I wasn't even tired when I came home. Huh, I should do that more often.

Then I drew a picture. While thinking of my mother (the second pic). It's pretty cool. I'm proud of it.

A couple weeks ago I drew another one that was for my sister (the first pic). Just happens to represent what I think so many survivors go through.

I realized while trying to draw again tonight that it is so much harder to do something for myself. To express my own feelings. I can express how I feel about others or how I think others feel. But not myself.

Aside from that, today was an exceptionally good day. I could go for another day like this.

Various levels of support...

I just returned from a funfilled weekend at the 12th Annual University of Buffalo Ronald E. McNair Conference. I'm in this program called McNair that is dedicated to preparing undergraduate minority and underprivileged students for graduate work. In doing so, we receive training for the GRE's the application process and numerous other things that we students may have never thought to ask about. In order to be in the program you are paired up with a mentor to conduct research, which prepares us for graduate level work. It's amazing. I came to the program after a professor I was researching with sent me to apply. My life has taken a complete 180 since then. This weekend we were able to present our research in a professional setting, further preparing us for graduate school.

All of the students in the program are 1st generation college students of minority cultures and/or economically underprivileged college students. The atmosphere is insane, with all the students sharing their passions, visions, and stories of their past. I got to know the people in my program at Brockport really well. There was one individual in particular that stuck out to me. He is very perceptive and worldy, offering interesting perspectives on the world we live in.

He just happened to strike up conversation with me, trying to figure out my background. Apparantly I send a vibe. He said he noticed me in the McNair office on campus and picked up the sense that I have had a rough life. He said he went to one of our directors and said something to this effect, "There's something about her...I can see it in her face..."

He proceeded to tell me of all of the obstacles he has had to overcome. I think he was trying to make me feel more comfortable with him so he can figure out what has happened with me. He's a great guy. I think he was trying to tell me that he is supportive and here to listen.

But I froze. I know that in this particular environment I can be real with people and they won't judge. I felt like I should share my story with him. But I couldn't. It was surprisingly painful. We got into a conversation about my father after discussing how oblivious I was to the men around me. Apparantly a few people noticed that men would be checking me out or engaging in conversation, yet I had no idea what was going on. I tuned it out. huh. I was shocked and even more shocked after realizing my oblivion.

We continued our conversation and I slipped in that I don't have a relationship with my father. He assumes that's why I'm stand-offish with men. Haha. Close. If only he knew what my real issues are. I kept thinking this while we were talking. Yet, like I said, I was surprisingly mute. This is particularly out of the ordinary considering that I was there presenting on my research that is based around Rape Crisis Services. During the presentation I openly identified as a survivor, which elicited "coming out" stories from the audience. Yet throughout this converstion I could not bring myself to say, "you're close, but my real issues with men stem from my sexual abuse and the sexual abuse of many of my loved ones. Hell, I even have pedophiles in my family. How can you trust men after all that????" But I didn't. I sat silent.

I left the converstation feeling thrown off. Here's a guy who is really nice, really open, trustworthy, honorable, and supportive. And I blew him off. (blew him off in converstation, he wasn't trying to pick me up or anything). I left feeling sad that I give the vibe that my life is troubled. The pain in my eyes is apparant to outsiders. Huh. That really makes you think. I try not to make my pain overt. I try to make it look like I'm okay. But it's there. Always. People know. If they don't know they probably just think I'm a bitch (I have a tendency to get cranky every once in awhile).

I guess the moral of this story is, deal with your pain. You may be able to lie to yourself, but you can't lie to others. They see it no matter how hard you try to hide it. So face it. Don't run away. When people offer a supportive environment to express your pain, take advantage. Build networks of support. Crying does not make you vulnerable. It shows your strength.

Now, if only I could take my own advice.

Hello again...

I just received a comment from Leah saying, 'where've you been?' Thanks for checkin on me Leah. My internet at home has actually been on the fritz for about a month now. The only access I have to the internet is at work, but I obviously cannot focus on my blogging as much as I would want to while there. I miss writing everday and there are so many situations I've encountered that have made me think..."I have to remember this to write in my blog."

Right now I am in Niagara Falls for a conference focused on research I am doing, hence my access to the internet. The level of support here is amazing and I can't wait to share my interests.

Gotta run now but I hope everyone is keepin' on keepin' on!

Cry when you are sad...

I recently read that the Buddhist religion says to smile when you are happy, cry when you are sad, feel your deepest feelings when you are lonely and so on. Cry when you are sad...huh. I haven't tried that. Feel your feelings when you are lonely. Haven't tried that either.

Well, I've tried to an extent. But not enough. I'm still pushing everything away. Blocking out my true feelings. It's so hard.

But I'm trying.

Art is for everyone :)

So excited at the moment. At the beginning of the summer I moved in with an artistic person. I was thrilled. I've needed direction or support on how to go about starting up art. I've been trying to think of what I loved to do as a child, drawing was one of them. I quite before I was able to get really good, but it has been something I wish I stuck with.

So when I moved in with the roomie, we planned on shopping for art supplies that could get me started. BUT we have been unable to until yesterday. That's why I'm so excited today. We went shopping last night.

I bought a sketch pad and soft pastels. I realized while shopping for supplies how important it is to really pay attention to what you feel and what you want. It starts with shopping, not with drawing. That's why I picked soft pastels, I was feelin' it. haha.

Then when we got home, I whipped out my new supplies and started doodling, to see how the chalk works. This is when it became quite useful to have an artsy person for a roommate. She explained that I really need to just make my mind go blank when I want to draw. Creating something involves really paying attention to how you feel. What colors you feel like using. What type of line or circle or tree or whatever do you feel like drawing. That's funny. What perfect training for me to pay attention to what I am really feeling, forcing me to address my issues. I need that. I've developed a habit of pushing my feelings to the back of my mind, so training myself to go blank and pay attention is perfect.

The roomie explained it perfectly. She said, this could be therapeutic for me simply b/c I have an issue with constantly being in control of myself, being busy, focused, with a schedule. Forcing myself to start with a blank slate, without having a picture in mind when I start, requires to me lose a bit of control. Working on a whim. Going with the flow. No plan in sight.

I'm thrilled. I'm hoping that drawing will help me allow me to develop new ways of expressing myself. Learning how to pay attention is the first step. I'll include a picture when I get better.

You know, I've always told people that I'm not creative, innovative, or artistic. I'm starting to realize that everyone is (or can be). When I used to think of art, I thought of it as these beautiful, famous paintings. I realize now that art is so much more than that. Art is what you make it. Maybe I can be creative. Maybe I can be artsy. I just have to find the type of art that I like.

Damn roadrunner

My internet at home is not working...booooo. I was bummed b/c I'm not able to use the internet to blog. I need to blog sometimes...gets my stress out. I'm at work right now, so I don't have time to write. Hopefully we'll get the net fixed soon. I've got lots to tell. Maybe I'll keep my own journal and then submit a post when I get to work or something. We'll see.