I miss him. My ex. I have these days sometimes. He was a great boyfriend. But he was a high school boyfriend. You know how that goes. First love. You never forget your first love. I can't decide if I miss him...or if I miss "it." You know, the "it" that makes your knees shake and your body tingle (stop with the dirty minds people). I've never been able to be so open with another man. I trusted him. I grew up with him. How do you find that again?
I often wonder if I am longing for "it" with another man or if I am longing for "it" with myself. I've been told numerous times that you have to love yourself before you can be in love with somebody else, the true love. Not the needy love. I believe it. But I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to find myself, trying to love myself. When will it be over? When will I accept myself?
Do I miss him, "it"? Or do I miss me? Sometimes I think I can date and find the one...but how do I trust anyone enough to date? I know, I know. I need to work on myself before that will happen. I'm worn out though. I'm tired. I need a companion to help me through it. Or do I?
You see the pattern. I crave love. But from who? Me or someone else? I want to date but have no trust. Will working on myself allow me to trust? Or will having a companion help me work on myself and build trust?
Who knows! All I know is I'm lonely. Now, am I lonely because I miss my self, my soul? Or am I lonely because I miss being in love?
It goes on and on...I'll stop now...
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Boredom
I'm playing around with my backgrounds...cause I'm bored with the blue. I'll work on adding the same links that I already had from fellow survivors...I just have to figure it out! Any ideas on how to have a better background...I'm bored with the blue.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Sober or blacking out??
I recently decided to slow down my drinking habits. I've recognized that it is a bit out of control. I'm not an alcoholic, I don't drink all day everday. I don't need alcohol to deal with everyday life. But I do need alcohol to get me through a night of socializing. I wasn't a big drinker until about a year and a half ago. I went from barely drinking to drinking to the point of blacking out. Funny that it took me almost two years to realize this is abnormal. Good lord Alisha!
The last time I blacked out was about 2 weeks ago. I woke up, went through the usual routine of asking everyone what happened the night before, concluding that "we must have had fun." It's odd that my reasoning for not drinking before a year and a half ago was because I lived in fear of being sexually assaulted. I hate the loss of control that comes with alcohol. Oddly enough, I went from fearing a loss of control to being out of control, often embarassing myself while being intoxicated.
Two weeks ago, after the routine of finding out the nights events, I made a commitment to end the non-sense. Why the hell was I doing this to myself? How stupid could I be? I was viewing a night of socializing through a dichotomous lens. I either was sober and in total control or wasted and out of control. The thought of casual drinking and staying in control never occurred.
I set on a journey to understand my logic. I should mention that by 'blacking out' I don't mean totally off my face falling all over on the streets and puking. I just would wake up and not remember certain conversations or actions I had taken.
Last night, I set out on my journey of casual drinking. It didn't take long for me to realize why I don't casually drink. I am 100% insecure. Holy crap. I felt like every person in the place was staring at me, not because they were interested, but because they were thinking...'that girl has a gut, her ass is huge, check out her thunderthighs, man her arms are flabby...'
You get the point.
I realized that while being drunk, I don't have to deal with all of these insecurities. I'm not afraid to have conversations. I'm not constantly analyzing how I look. I don't feel like everyone is criticizing me. I'm just having a crazy time.
So what do I do...not go out? Stop drinking? Or do I deal with my insecurities and casually drink on occasion?
Obviously the latter is the ideal way to go. But how. How do I deal with my insecurities? It doesn't help that while you're sober you're listening in on men's conversations. Conversations that always involve a complete analysis of the way women look. Perhaps even worse are the conversations by women who also critically analyze the way women look. Get over it people. We can't all look anorexic. I'd love to say that to the critics, but I don't.
Clearly I need to work on my insecurities and I would advise myself to stop drinking while doing so. But I'm at an age where drinking is a time to socialize. So how do I balance it? I can't deal with going out and feeling like everyone's staring. I hate it.
We'll see how I handle this one.
The last time I blacked out was about 2 weeks ago. I woke up, went through the usual routine of asking everyone what happened the night before, concluding that "we must have had fun." It's odd that my reasoning for not drinking before a year and a half ago was because I lived in fear of being sexually assaulted. I hate the loss of control that comes with alcohol. Oddly enough, I went from fearing a loss of control to being out of control, often embarassing myself while being intoxicated.
Two weeks ago, after the routine of finding out the nights events, I made a commitment to end the non-sense. Why the hell was I doing this to myself? How stupid could I be? I was viewing a night of socializing through a dichotomous lens. I either was sober and in total control or wasted and out of control. The thought of casual drinking and staying in control never occurred.
I set on a journey to understand my logic. I should mention that by 'blacking out' I don't mean totally off my face falling all over on the streets and puking. I just would wake up and not remember certain conversations or actions I had taken.
Last night, I set out on my journey of casual drinking. It didn't take long for me to realize why I don't casually drink. I am 100% insecure. Holy crap. I felt like every person in the place was staring at me, not because they were interested, but because they were thinking...'that girl has a gut, her ass is huge, check out her thunderthighs, man her arms are flabby...'
You get the point.
I realized that while being drunk, I don't have to deal with all of these insecurities. I'm not afraid to have conversations. I'm not constantly analyzing how I look. I don't feel like everyone is criticizing me. I'm just having a crazy time.
So what do I do...not go out? Stop drinking? Or do I deal with my insecurities and casually drink on occasion?
Obviously the latter is the ideal way to go. But how. How do I deal with my insecurities? It doesn't help that while you're sober you're listening in on men's conversations. Conversations that always involve a complete analysis of the way women look. Perhaps even worse are the conversations by women who also critically analyze the way women look. Get over it people. We can't all look anorexic. I'd love to say that to the critics, but I don't.
Clearly I need to work on my insecurities and I would advise myself to stop drinking while doing so. But I'm at an age where drinking is a time to socialize. So how do I balance it? I can't deal with going out and feeling like everyone's staring. I hate it.
We'll see how I handle this one.
Sexual assault...a MEN's issue??
I just finished reading the first chapter of Jackson Katz's new book, The Macho Paradox. I highly recommend grabbing a copy. The preface alone is enough to make you want to sit down and read it in one day. Jackson Katz, a male feminist, is active in a movement of men working to help end violence against women and children. An interesting concept. He takes the focus away from what women can do to protect themselves from an assault, challenging both women and men to recognize men's role in violence against women and children.
Katz starts his book with an exercise that throws a bit of reality right in your face. I've always known the steps that women have to take EVERYDAY to ensure their safety. When a woman is assaulted, she is immediately blamed for not taking the proper steps, using 'common sense', in order to avoid an assault. Katz addresses a group of men and women by asking men first how they protect themselves from assault on a daily basis. According to Katz, "occasionally a young guy will raise his hand and say, 'I stay out of prison.'" Laughter follows.
When the women are asked the steps they take, the steps that are so engrained they become subconsious actions, the list goes on and on. While reading this, I got a bit upset. I've always known the extra precautions women have to take, it's always pissed me off; but for some reason, I got even more upset than usual. Here's the list:
"Hold my keys as a potential weapon. Look in the back seat of the car before getting in. Carry a cell phone. Don't go jogging at night. Lock all the windows when I go to sleep, even on hot summer nights. Be careful not to drink too much. Don't put my drink down and come back to it; make sure I see it being poured. Own a big dog. Carry Mace or pepper spray. Have an unlisted phone number. Have a man's voice on my answering machine. Park in well-lit areas. Don't use parking garages. Don't get on elevators with only one man, or with a group of men. Vary my route home from work. Watch what I wear. Don't use highway rest areas. Use a home alarm system. Don't wear headphones when jogging. Avoid forests or wooded areas, even in the daytime. Don't take a first-floor apartment. Go out in groups. Own a firearm. Meet men on first dates in public places. Make sure to have a car or cab fare. Don't make eye contact with men on teh street. Make assertive eye contact with men on the street."
Sound familiar ladies?? Daily women take these steps. Men, however, laugh and joke about staying out of prison. This list pisses me off for a couple of reasons. First, it's not fair and most people just chalk it up to a fact of life for women. Fuck that. Why should it have to be a fact of life for women? Second, this entire list of actions we take to protect ourselves prepares us for an attack from a STRANGER. Hello!!! Statistics show that anywhere between 60 and 80% of sexual assaults are perpetrated by an acquaintance (90% when involving child sexual abuse), most of which occur in the victim's or perpetrator's home. Therefore, we prepare ourselves for stranger rapes, which are much less likely to occur. And then, we get blamed for failing to protect ourselves, for lacking common sense. Clearly this validates the rules of logic. Yet we let it go b/c it's a women's issue, right?
Katz argues that violence against women and children is just as much of a men's issue as it is a women's issue. I concur!
Read the book! And thank the men that are taking action! Stand Up Guys is a group located here in Rochester that is fighting violence against women and children! Go Stand Up Guys!
Katz starts his book with an exercise that throws a bit of reality right in your face. I've always known the steps that women have to take EVERYDAY to ensure their safety. When a woman is assaulted, she is immediately blamed for not taking the proper steps, using 'common sense', in order to avoid an assault. Katz addresses a group of men and women by asking men first how they protect themselves from assault on a daily basis. According to Katz, "occasionally a young guy will raise his hand and say, 'I stay out of prison.'" Laughter follows.
When the women are asked the steps they take, the steps that are so engrained they become subconsious actions, the list goes on and on. While reading this, I got a bit upset. I've always known the extra precautions women have to take, it's always pissed me off; but for some reason, I got even more upset than usual. Here's the list:
"Hold my keys as a potential weapon. Look in the back seat of the car before getting in. Carry a cell phone. Don't go jogging at night. Lock all the windows when I go to sleep, even on hot summer nights. Be careful not to drink too much. Don't put my drink down and come back to it; make sure I see it being poured. Own a big dog. Carry Mace or pepper spray. Have an unlisted phone number. Have a man's voice on my answering machine. Park in well-lit areas. Don't use parking garages. Don't get on elevators with only one man, or with a group of men. Vary my route home from work. Watch what I wear. Don't use highway rest areas. Use a home alarm system. Don't wear headphones when jogging. Avoid forests or wooded areas, even in the daytime. Don't take a first-floor apartment. Go out in groups. Own a firearm. Meet men on first dates in public places. Make sure to have a car or cab fare. Don't make eye contact with men on teh street. Make assertive eye contact with men on the street."
Sound familiar ladies?? Daily women take these steps. Men, however, laugh and joke about staying out of prison. This list pisses me off for a couple of reasons. First, it's not fair and most people just chalk it up to a fact of life for women. Fuck that. Why should it have to be a fact of life for women? Second, this entire list of actions we take to protect ourselves prepares us for an attack from a STRANGER. Hello!!! Statistics show that anywhere between 60 and 80% of sexual assaults are perpetrated by an acquaintance (90% when involving child sexual abuse), most of which occur in the victim's or perpetrator's home. Therefore, we prepare ourselves for stranger rapes, which are much less likely to occur. And then, we get blamed for failing to protect ourselves, for lacking common sense. Clearly this validates the rules of logic. Yet we let it go b/c it's a women's issue, right?
Katz argues that violence against women and children is just as much of a men's issue as it is a women's issue. I concur!
Read the book! And thank the men that are taking action! Stand Up Guys is a group located here in Rochester that is fighting violence against women and children! Go Stand Up Guys!
Friday, June 23, 2006
I said no...
I recently spoke with my women's studies mentor about the issues I have had with this dating situation. She made me realize a ton of things. First, and most importantly, she said that it took her a long time to learn that friendships have different levels. You have acquaintances, friends you like to hang out with, close friends, and intimate friends (the friends you can count on always). I realized that these friends who were pressuring me into dating a guy I had no interest in and then telling me it's b/c I have issues and it's no big deal, are the friends that I like to hang out with. They're not my real friends. However, I no longer am interested in hanging out with them. If they can't respect my decision and leave the analysis of my emotional state up to me, then I'd rather spend my time with closer friends.
I've realized by talking with many different women, strong women, that this pressure to date men, men we may not be interested in, is unfair. Why do I have to date a guy that I'm not interested in just b/c he has taken a liking to me? I feel like women or at least some women are expected to do so. If they don't then they receive all of the shit from people. It must mean somethings wrong with me...why the hell else wouldn't I date any dude who was interested? Oh I know, I AM NOT interested. Huh. What a concept?
Don't pathologize me, don't analyze me. I'm not you. Everyone has different experiences. While they may be similar, it doesn't mean they have the same feelings about things as you.
After being sexually abuse or raped, we as survivors need to have the control over our own lives. We want it back. We need the power that was taken away from us back. So to have other people analyzing our situations or criticizing our dating decisions is more than frustrating (I've done this with other survivors, and I now feel bad for offering any advice, sorry). I'm not okay. But I'm not suffering. I'm not suicidal and I'm not self-mutilating. I've come a long way. I recognize what I need to work on. In fact, my professor and I also discussed how my abuse may have damaged my ability to have healthy, emotional relationships with other people (friends, family, significant others alike).
I'd like to work on this and I think many survivors may be able to identify with what I'm about to say. When I was being sexually abused, I did what many survivors do in order to survive; I created my own little emotional hiding place, deep inside my psyche. I went there to hide whenever I couldn't tolerate the pain of my abuse. I became sooooo good at running and hiding whenever something emotional happened, that it became habitual. Now, it is difficult for me to deal with emotions. I don't cry. I don't feel. I run and hide. Luckily, this is a habit. You can break habits. I'm working on that by talking about my issues here and by speaking more with my family and friends on sad days. I cannot even describe how good it feels to have the supportive network that I have.
Anyway, I'm beginning to realize that you really have to pay attention to your mind and body. Pay attention and allow yourself to have control of yourself. Tell people when they piss you off. They won't do it again. If they aren't comfortable with your reaction and they don't respect your decisions, then they most likely weren't close or intimate friends in the first place. I've found that time is so precious, I don't have time to waste on people who don't respect me.
I'm beginning to recognize the difference between the type of guys I am interested in and the type of guys I am not interested in. I understand that I still have many issues, such as fear of trusting a guy that is actually an asshole, fear of pressure to have sex and not being able to say no, fear of date rape, but at least I am working on them. The biggest step I've taken is actually saying no. I said no. I don't want to date this guy. I set my boundaries (thanks Franki!). I demanded respect. Hopefully, when I'm interested in a guy and I eventually date, I'll be able to set my boundaries around the sexual aspects of a relationship. Hopefully I'll say no until I am ready.
I think saying no to this guy was a huge first step :) I'm preparing myself for the next step. It really is a powerful feeling to demand respect. I've always been strong and independent, but weak and passive at the same time. To change the weaker side of me is an amazing feeling.
How exciting, I'm regaining control. One day at a time.
How does everyone feel about regaining control and demanding respect?
I've realized by talking with many different women, strong women, that this pressure to date men, men we may not be interested in, is unfair. Why do I have to date a guy that I'm not interested in just b/c he has taken a liking to me? I feel like women or at least some women are expected to do so. If they don't then they receive all of the shit from people. It must mean somethings wrong with me...why the hell else wouldn't I date any dude who was interested? Oh I know, I AM NOT interested. Huh. What a concept?
Don't pathologize me, don't analyze me. I'm not you. Everyone has different experiences. While they may be similar, it doesn't mean they have the same feelings about things as you.
After being sexually abuse or raped, we as survivors need to have the control over our own lives. We want it back. We need the power that was taken away from us back. So to have other people analyzing our situations or criticizing our dating decisions is more than frustrating (I've done this with other survivors, and I now feel bad for offering any advice, sorry). I'm not okay. But I'm not suffering. I'm not suicidal and I'm not self-mutilating. I've come a long way. I recognize what I need to work on. In fact, my professor and I also discussed how my abuse may have damaged my ability to have healthy, emotional relationships with other people (friends, family, significant others alike).
I'd like to work on this and I think many survivors may be able to identify with what I'm about to say. When I was being sexually abused, I did what many survivors do in order to survive; I created my own little emotional hiding place, deep inside my psyche. I went there to hide whenever I couldn't tolerate the pain of my abuse. I became sooooo good at running and hiding whenever something emotional happened, that it became habitual. Now, it is difficult for me to deal with emotions. I don't cry. I don't feel. I run and hide. Luckily, this is a habit. You can break habits. I'm working on that by talking about my issues here and by speaking more with my family and friends on sad days. I cannot even describe how good it feels to have the supportive network that I have.
Anyway, I'm beginning to realize that you really have to pay attention to your mind and body. Pay attention and allow yourself to have control of yourself. Tell people when they piss you off. They won't do it again. If they aren't comfortable with your reaction and they don't respect your decisions, then they most likely weren't close or intimate friends in the first place. I've found that time is so precious, I don't have time to waste on people who don't respect me.
I'm beginning to recognize the difference between the type of guys I am interested in and the type of guys I am not interested in. I understand that I still have many issues, such as fear of trusting a guy that is actually an asshole, fear of pressure to have sex and not being able to say no, fear of date rape, but at least I am working on them. The biggest step I've taken is actually saying no. I said no. I don't want to date this guy. I set my boundaries (thanks Franki!). I demanded respect. Hopefully, when I'm interested in a guy and I eventually date, I'll be able to set my boundaries around the sexual aspects of a relationship. Hopefully I'll say no until I am ready.
I think saying no to this guy was a huge first step :) I'm preparing myself for the next step. It really is a powerful feeling to demand respect. I've always been strong and independent, but weak and passive at the same time. To change the weaker side of me is an amazing feeling.
How exciting, I'm regaining control. One day at a time.
How does everyone feel about regaining control and demanding respect?
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
The dating scene...I hate it
Ahhh, the women's building. A breath of fresh air. While in california I visited The Women's Building in San Francisco. The entire building was painted with images of beautiful women from all cultures. It was amazing.
Anyway, today I need to complain about dating. I've struggled with this issue for many years. My last boyfriend was also my best friend. We had known each other since we were 5. 3 years ago we broke up, ending my love life as we know it. At first, I was completely NOT interested in dating anyone. In fact, I recognized that I needed to spend some time working on myself. So I headed to NYC for a summer to stir up my life a bit. I needed to see what this world is all about.
I'd say it was at least a year and a half or so before I even thought about dating again. I started longing for a significant other. But you're not supposed to look for em right? So instead I occupied my time, all of my time doing work. Busy busy busy. I have no time to date...right? Nah, that's just what I tell people.
Now, I'm in a situation that is actually pissing me off. A lot. A couple friends of mine are trying to set me up with their friend. I've met this guy before when we were all out for a night. I wasn't interested. (not being interested is allowed, right?). Now I'm feeling the pressure because these people are taking it upon themselves to analyze me. Yah, me. Saying I'm closed off and I'm too busy for a reason, the reason being to avoid dating. Okay, so that's true to an extent. However, there's a difference between closing myself off because I'm afraid and closing myself off because I'm not interested. These people are using my issues to pressure me into dating this guy. I don't like the control they have over the situation. If they wanted me to just hang out with everyone and get to know him, I would have been fine with that. But no, it had to be turned into a date. A big thing that everyone talks about. One of them had the nerve to tell me that another girl was uncomfortable hanging with the three of them last night b/c "he's my man" (and she was serious). Fuck that shit. We hung out as a group one night, I might have said two words to him. He's not my man. We're not dating. I'm not interested. If I was interested, I would have made more of an effort that first night.
Alright, so am I over reacting? Who knows? All I know is, I'm not interested in this guy. He's not a bad guy. Just not my type. So why should I be pressured into a date that is going no where? Let me deal with my own issues people. You analyzing me and telling me how you think I should begin dating is not going to help. (I'm talking to these people...not the people who read my blog...I love the advice from my blog readers, you understand me, they don't)
The moral of the story is...even though I am afraid to start dating, I know when I'm attracted to somebody. Whether or not I pursue something with my interest is the issue. My issue is not dating anybody and everybody. I don't want to. Good lord, leave me alone.
Does anyone else have dating issues? I'm sure you do, b/c that is another part of surviving. But I'm lost. Let's chat.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Off to California :)
I'm off to California for the weekend :) I'll be back on monday. I have lots of good stories saved up for when I get back...they involve dating. pahaha. I know. Me? Date? I already feel like I'm too old for that. Good lord it's been awhile.
Anyway, I'm going to the National Women's Studies Association Annual Conference in Oakland. Sooooo excited. Here's another thing that I love. I love women's studies. I love feminism. My first women's studies course is where I began coming out of my shell. Speaking out through my writing. Only the professors read the papers but at least I was saying it to someone. So I have ran with the program ever since my first course. I'm thrilled to be able to spend time with all the amazing women who are paving pathways for themselves and the younger generations of women. Woohoo.
K. Gotta go pack and be on my way :) <----I've been smiling a lot the past couple days. I love the rising part of the cycle!
Anyway, I'm going to the National Women's Studies Association Annual Conference in Oakland. Sooooo excited. Here's another thing that I love. I love women's studies. I love feminism. My first women's studies course is where I began coming out of my shell. Speaking out through my writing. Only the professors read the papers but at least I was saying it to someone. So I have ran with the program ever since my first course. I'm thrilled to be able to spend time with all the amazing women who are paving pathways for themselves and the younger generations of women. Woohoo.
K. Gotta go pack and be on my way :) <----I've been smiling a lot the past couple days. I love the rising part of the cycle!
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