I did it again. I made myself so busy that I have no time to stop and think. Feel. Breathe. Cry. Breathe. Sleep.
On a positive note: at least I am stopping myself in shorter intervals, recognizing what I'm doing to myself before it gets waaaaay out of control. But I'm tired. I feel like I'm never going to come out on top. Never going to heal.
This past weekend I got to meet Nika and see Lisa again (at Speak Out Rochester). It was great. I love being surrounded by my fellow warriors. They have so much strength and courage. It gives me hope.
I spent the last couple months planning for the clothesline project at the Speak Out. Oh how I wish we did not wait until 8pm the night before to start hanging the shirts. I was there until 430am and still did not finish what I would have liked to do. This girl had to sleep and be back by 730. Oh good lord. So I did. I've never been to anything like a Speak Out. It's great that Maggie brought this event to Rochester. I could see people transforming their lives right before my eyes. Incredible.
I wussed out of most of the participation. Clearly I am not as far healed as I had hoped. Damn. I was listening to my fellow warriors speak. Whoa. What strength they all have. I, on the other hand, was nauseous. I have a HUGE problem with holding everything in. HUGE problem. I can't let it all out. Especially not in front of people. So...I didn't. Instead I got nauseous and avoided the speak out area for the rest of the day. I decided to play in the adult play room with Lisa and some other warriors. That was great. I wouldn't have survived the Speak Out without actually speaking out in some form or another. So I made a box. I'll have to take a picture of it sometime. It represents how I feel inside. Dark. Stuck. Sad. Angry. Frustrated. Pissed off. Lonely. One part of the box shows my longing for a better future. Hope for brighter days. Efforts to make things better. It was great to get that all of my chest. BUT it didn't do it all. I was not only stressed and nauseous, I was frickin exhausted. I pulled an all nighter (kind of) and then stayed after to take down until about 7pm. Phew. Damn.
I went home and crashed. Frustrated that I was so tired because it was my last night in Rochester. I'm home with mom now till I go to California. When my roommate came home that night...I let it all out. (sort of) I wouldn't let myself cry...but I talked about how hard it was at the speak out. I got it out. I decided to draw as well. I needed something to purge my feelings. I'm pretty proud of the drawing I did. I'll take a pic of that sometime too.
Lesson of the weekend...
After seeing all of the warriors, varying in age, race, sex and gender...I realized just how long the journey to heal is. It never ends. It's lifelong. (note: this is actually a positive thing to learn folks!!!). It's a process. A long one. I have high hopes for a magical cure. Instant potatoes. Five minute rice please. But that's not how it goes. I saw many people who have been very successful in their lifetime. They broke down. They purged. They spoke out. And they will continue to be successful in their life. You have good days and bad days. It's all about integrating this really shitty experience into your life, into who you are. It helped to see all the strength in these people who were crying, talking, singing, healing.
Express yourself. (even madonna says to).
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13 comments:
Hey Alisha,
My name is Jade, and hopefully you dont mind me a "stranger" ;-) leaving a comment. I came accross your blog and found it SOOOO refreshing. I'm a "survivor" myself and found your way of thinking really relatable. I've found that its few and far between that I come accross real "fighting" survivors. People who think about their actions and make daily efforts in working on themselves and their healing.Instead of just staying a victim After reading a few of your enteries it renewed my faith that people can and do care about themselves and healing. Stay strong, positive, and firey. The world needs more strong women like you. ;-)
Hey Jade, I love strangers on my blog!! lol. We're all strangers to eachother. I just happened to get lucky and meet a couple of our fellow warriors.
I know what you're saying. Way to many of us stay in 'victim mode.' If only we could figure out a way to reach out to those people... Problem is...if they're like how I used to be, then they don't even realize that they are in victim mode. It's a process. They'll find their way as long as we find ours and reach out.
It's tricky...those that are in victim mode are 'fighting survivors' as well. They're just fighting differently than those who are conciously making efforts to heal. I think I go in and out of victim mode. It appears that fighting exists on a continuum. From those who are in total denial (which is a survival strategy) to those who have successfully fought and integrated their shitty experience into their lives...and everything in between.
Make sense?
Thanks for the encouraging words!!
lish,
I came to the speak out late. I thought that I was stronger. I wept all afternoon after I went home. I did enjoy everyone stories. I saw the shirts. I think that it was great that we had this in Rochester. I just have to get out of my shyness. Once again thanks for the post you are such a wonderful person..Keep on Surviving.
i dont mean to sound slow but how can i add you as a link.
Next year we can both speak out!! If we can work up the courage to jump up in front of a crowd!
You spoke out by hanging those t-shirts until 4:30 in the morning.
You spoke out by hanging out in the play room and doing art with me.
You spoke out by being there.
You spoke out, and you were heard!
Wow, what an experience! I've never heard of a Speak Out. Sometimes I feel like I'm living under a rock or something, jeesh! I did do a t-shirt for The Clothesline Project like 10 years ago or something. Thanks for posting this. You're helping me find courage for a new creative writing series I want to post on my blog. Kinda scared...but...I gotta "express myself!" Hey, don't forget the deadline for the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is coming up for the third edition. Thanks! You rock!
Thanks Lisa:)
Marj, I'm excited to hear about your new writing series...you're so creative! ps: I never heard of a Speak Out either...first one in Rochester. I guess they're springing up in certain places.
I did it! I put up the post that I was so scared about. It's kind of a "speak out" in and of itself. Swing on by and let me know what you think, if you're up for it. I could use the support. Thanks in advance!
hey Alisha
how are you doing???
been thinking of you
stay strong
*hugs*
Woohoo Marj. I'm going to check it out right now!
Thanks for checking on me Cassandra. I've been moving back to albany to get ready for california...so I've been busy. Plus planning for my mom's 50th bday!! I'm going nuts. I haven't been good about keeping up with my blog...wish I had more time (I'd probably have time if I made time!) It's hard when I'm at mom's though...cause the computer is in her room and she goes to bed early!
Anywho, I'm okay. Slipping, but okay. Thanks for checking!!
Just wanted to say, thanks for coming over and commenting on my blog with your support. I appreciate you.
Hi Alisha! Wish I could have been there to take part in the speak out seeing as I'm a buckeye, a few states away it wasn't possible. Glad to hear that it turned out alright & you got to meet Leah & see Lisa again. Remember to take care of yourself Alisha, you deserve it. Buy a new pair of shoes, take a bubble bath, have a quiet evening; something. Take care.
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