Heal Over...

Yesterday I read lyrics to an amazing song that Jessie posted on her blog, I have to share my thoughts. The song is called Heal Over, by KT Tunstall. I'll break down the lyrics.

Verse 1
It isn't very difficult to see why
You are the way you are
Doesn't take a genius to realise
That sometimes life is hard
It's gonna take time
But you'll just have to wait
You're gonna be fine
But in the meantime...(Chorus)

I can remember being so frustrated when people did not understand me. I kept screaming to myself..."There's a reason why I am the way I am. There's a reason everybody is the way they are. Hear me, please. Please hear me. Please help me. " I'm starting to realize that this inner voice, this frustrated screaming inner voice, was yelling to me. How can I expect people to understand who I am and the reasons I am that way, when I do not even understand who I am or how the sexual abuse has affected my life? Listen to your voice. Listen to your body. There are signs everywhere. Recognizing that your body and mind are speaking to you, in my mind, is the first step towards healing. And like KT says, "It's gonna take time...You're gonna be fine." I hear this message, I believe it, I can't wait to be fine. Hopefully when I get really good at listening to myself, healing myself, then I can let people know who I am, who I really am, the me I've always wanted to be.

Chorus
Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you'll heal over
Heal over
Heal over someday

For me, I see the voice in this chorus as being our fellow survivors (or anyone who supports us). Those who are sharing the same hard track, the path towards a healthy living. I especially see people like Angela Shelton as the voice of this chorus. Those who continuously share their insights and encourage us to keep a healthy outlook, to be warriors.

Verse 2
And I don't wanna hear you tell yourself
That these feelings are in the past
You know it doesn't mean they're off the shelf
Because pain's built to last
Everybody sails alone
But we can travel side by side
Even if you fail
You know that no one really minds
Come over here lady (Chorus)

How many times have I told myself that I'm over it? I've dealt with it. I've moved on. Look at me, I have great friends and family and I am extremely successful academically. Life's great. Or is it? Telling myself that everything is great worked at the time. It worked to get me through the day without going insane. Only, in place of actually being happy and healthy, I became a workaholic. I've never had a break, time to eat, time to relax. Never. I go go go alllll the time. Hence my success at school I guess. The feelings are in the past, right? Wrong. It wasn't until Angela Shelton came to Brockport that I forced myself to pay attention to what I was doing to myself. Working myself to mask my pain. "Pain's built to last" according to KT. True, to an extent. I've learned that you need recognize how this pain is affecting you, physically and mentally. Find a healthy balance in life. If you work hard, play hard.

The second part of verse 2 says more than I could ever put into words. "Everyone sails alone." We do. All survivors have their own way of healing, their own wants, their own needs. Each situation is unique. Yet "we travel side by side." The healing process is so similar because we are all caught in the same cycle. The same self-abusing cycle. Through these kinds of networks we help each other sail side by side. And if you fall behind, if you fall back into the cycle, "no one really minds" because we all do at some point, sometimes over and over again. We're here to pull eachother back up. (hence the chorus of the song)

Verse 3
Don't hold on but don't let go
I know it's so hard
You've got to try to trust yourself
I know it's so hard, so hard (chorus)

Wow. How true is this? I remember being 9 years old, sitting in my psychologists office for the first time. His words stuck with me...he said, do you think you should just forget what happened? And I, of course, said yes. Who wants to remember that shit. To my surprise, he didn't agree. "Don't let go" of what happened (thank you Dr. Zuckerman). Letting go only puts the pain back "on the shelf." BUT, as KT brilliantly says, Don't hold on. In other words, don't let it control your life. Work on healing. Find a balance.

Finally, "You've got to try to trust yourself." Wow, what a concept. For so long I have not trusted anyone, not one single soul. Not even myself. I live my life waiting for the next bombshell to land. Just when things get good, I anticipate the bad. I realize now that I am not trusting myself. At all. Maybe if you trust yourself, find yourself, believe in yourself, heal yourself, then you can work on letting others share your peace, your happiness, without anticipating the bad. I hope so. But it is so hard.

KT finishes the song reminding us that we have support, so much support. And we will heal over someday. It's hard. But we will. I will.

Thank you Jessie for sharing this song. I feel like the lyrics were taken right from my mouth (even though I would never be able to articulate it so beautifully). I hope you all get the chance to download this song, the music ...I can't describe.

Why aren't you outraged?????????

I was talking with a dear friend of mine today and she presented a quote to me that I will never forget. It makes total sense. If anyone knows the author of the quote, please fill me in. I couldn't find it.

"If you are not outraged, then you are not paying attention."

Huh. That says it all. This made me start thinking. A lot. How do we get people who are not survivors to recognize the severity of the sexual assault epidemic? How do we make them outraged? Change does not happen until people recognize that something is an issue. It is so easy for people to look the other way when they hear about children being raped. Who can stand the thought of little children giving someone head to the point of ejaculation or having their privates penetrated by a penis/object? The details are even more graphic and hard to believe.

There are people trying to raise awareness and educate the larger population. But I feel like most of this education is focused on survivors and their families. They're preachin' to the choir.

I know there are tons of organizations out their supporting victims and their families and they do wonderful work. However, it seems as though we are educating the wrong people. For example, at my college, SUNY Brockport, throughout the last semester there have been [public] reports of rape and/or assaults on campus or in town. The university police immediately put out a warning (mind you, they only warn you when they hear about a stranger rape, not acquaintance). The warning is followed by "females, please use common sense and do not walk alone." WTF!! Teaching women survival strategies may teach women how to avoid a SMALL chance that a stranger rape attempt that may occur (I say this b/c it has been reported that anywhere from 60-80% of rapes are acquaintance rapes), HOWEVER, wouldn't teaching MEN that they should not mistreat a woman be a more effective strategy to secure safety?????

I am not attempting to attack SUNY Brockport. Rapes happen on every campus. Nor am I trying to attack men. Research clearly indicates, however, that men are the primary perpetrators in sexual assaults. If men are offended when they read "Men, you need to stop attacking women" then I hope they will take a second to understand how warning females to use "common sense" in situations that are out of their control is an outrageous expectation. Common sense is most likely being used. We don't ask to be raped under any circumstances.

Clearly I am pissed of at the lack of information or misinformation that is out there and that is not addressed towards perpetrators. Why are more people not pissed? Outraged? Paying attention?

When perps are in your dreams...

Yesterday and today I have been spending time out of town. Relaxing and enjoying the weather. Last night, however, was not such a pleasant night of sleep. I had 2 dreams about my abuser. 2. Dammit. Why does he even have to ruin my sleep. I only remember the context of one of the dreams. I was begging him, literally, face to face, to give me restitution. My excuse for the restitution was so that I could have money to pay for my GREs. Doesn't make sense. I was upset at the way he treated me. Laughing at me. Laughing. I'm trying to find meaning behind this dream. But I can't. I haven't thought about confronting him, ever.

I don't know what to make of this dream. It's bothering me though.

Anyway, I'm off to enjoy another day of sunshine. I hope you all can do the same!

Remember this feeling...

Alright, so I wasted the day away today. Literally. Layin' around watchin lifetime original movies. It was great. BUT I have so much crap to do so I was on edge. And I kept thinking about how I needed to continue working out. I HAVE to keep working out. It's so good for me. But it wasn't until 730 that I decided to do it. I forced myself to do it. It really is a choice. A hard choice. I could work out to relieve stress or I could sit and sulk and eat. I can heal or I cannot heal.

The amount of energy it takes to make that choice is overwhelming. But I did it. Yet again I had to push through that first mile, I hate that first mile. But I ended up kicking ass...I didn't have to stop and walk as much!!! Wooohooo. After that first mile, I recognized how good it felt...it felt so good. I miss working out. So I repeated to myself, outloud, 'remember this feeling, remember this feeling.' I have to remember that feeling because the next day, when I'm getting ready to make that choice, hopefully I will decide to make a change. It's so easy to forget how good it feels to be on top. To make that change. Enjoy that moment. It's amazing how fast you forget that feeling when you return to your regular everday activities. Don't forget it. Remember it always.

I'm lucky to have this athletic ability. Getting back into shape is so similar to healing (don't get me wrong tho, healing is sooooo much harder). I'm just going to keep telling myself to 'remember that feeling' whenever I have an off day. I hope that survivors find something similar to hold on to. To help them through the rough times.

I feel the need to report my everday workouts on this blog. I think that will help me feel obligated to continue my workouts. Cause I don't want to report that I am falling back into my hole.

Who enjoys a rainy day?

Iposted my last entry about two hours ago while I was in a crappy mood. Now I'm a bit better. I realized while I was typing that I was in a moment that I needed to push through, break through the wall, run that extra mile. Normally I would sit here and sulk in my own misery, eating everything until I was nauseous. I decided to change that. I went for a walk along the Erie Canal, a walk I have never made before. It's a rainy crappy day here in western new york but I decided to forget that and focus on my breathing while I was walking (taking advice from Angela Shelton).

At first I soaked in what was occurring in nature at the time. Rain falling on the flowers and trees, animals running around, ducks swimming in the canal. They seemed to be enjoying the rainy day. Why wasn't I?

Walking and thinking really allowed me to deal with my loneliness. Except, whenever I felt myself getting emotional, I closed myself up and held in the tears. I kept breathing. Then I realized that this is what is keeping me so messed up...I never let myself feel. I seriously have gotten so good at controlling my emotinons that when I try to embrace them, I push them away without even knowing it.

On the way back, I closed my eyes and listened to everything. The birds, the frogs, the rain. The rain sounds so pretty when if falls on the water and the leaves. Have you ever listened? That got me thinking...who decided that rainy days are gloomy days. Has anyone ever gotten out and enjoyed them. I mean really enjoyed them. There's peace when you sit and listen...and let the rain fall on your skin. While I was thinking this....I got all emotional. It made me think of Natasha Bedingfield's song, Unwritten. And then...wouldn't you know it, I CRIED. Man. I cried the first time I heard this song cause I think it speaks to survivors.

"Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten"

Feel the rain on your skin...YOUR SKIN. No one elses. They can't feel it. They can't understand it. It's yours to take in, yours to hold, and yours to express, however you wish, whenever you wish. There was harmony in nature today and I found it. Rainy days don't have to be gloomy days. Today I was having a rainy, down, crappy day. But I changed it. It was a choice. I enjoyed the rain. I took the step, walked/ran that extra mile.

Angela Shelton always talks about breathing and going on hikes/bike rides/walks etc. I wasn't sure how that would help. But it did. A lot. Thanks Angela.

When you're down, instead of eating, cutting, or whatever you do to self-injure...go on a walk. Even if it's raining. Leave the umbrella at home. And feel the rain on your skin...

Rollercoasters

So today is kind of a downer. I've realized that I go up and down with this whole healing thing. A few days ago I was ready to fight the world in a rage. A couple days ago I was all about exercising, eating right, and healing (I still am, but it's a off day). Today, I'm trying to hold on to that energy. I'm lonely. I hate it. If only I had a fellow survivor in the area that wanted to work on healing together. I feel like that may make it easier. Apparantly today I'm trying to get past that 'first mile'...again.

Healing = Working out!?!

I had a revelation while I was out for a run this afternoon. I have struggled over the past couple years to maintain the same level of activity that I was so used to in high school and my first year of college. I was always the athlete that played three sports year round...until I lost the love. They say that depression can cause you to stop doing the things you love. It's true. I stopped working out, focusing every ounce of energy I had into working instead, constantly working. For the past year I have attemtped to get back into shape, but it is incredibly hard to start from scratch. I feel as though I have lost all athletic ability.

While I was running today, I realized that training yourself back into shape is equivalent to the healing process in many ways. As an athlete, if you stop working out for a week you can feel the difference when you start again. To wait a year or two is even harder. As I was running, at the beginning I swore I would never make it. My goal was three miles (running and walking at first). By the end of the first 1/2 of a mile I was beating myself up mentally, I swore I couldn't do it. But I pressed on with the discussions of working out in order to releave stress in the back of my mind.

By the end of the second mile, I was loving it. Man it felt good. I hit my groove and passed my comfort zone. I've always been taught that if you want to become a better athlete, you have to work outside of your comfort zone. Staying in that comfort zone would have caused me to quit in the first mile. This can relate to the healing process in so many ways.

For years I have attempted to begin the healing process. My many attempts ended in the first "mile." Beginning the healing process forces you to face an incredible amount of emotions that you have tried so hard to control. Healing means losing control, stepping outside of your comfort zone. This is not easy because oftentimes, you have to start the process over the next day. You run, in the first half a mile you want to slip back into your hole. If you don't press on, you fall back on old habits.

Everyday requires a commitment to healing, if not, you fall back out of shape and into old habits. My experience with athletics, however, creates an optimistic outlook. It gets better. Eventually you can run 3 miles without walking, eventually your time improves. Eventually you forget how painful those first few weeks of training were.

I hope my analogy holds true. I hope that eventually I will wake up in the morning without dreading the hard day of training (healing) that is ahead of me. Cuz right now, it feels like boot camp.

Allowing yourself to heal...it's not that easy.

How do you commit to a life focused on healing when you have spent the majority of your life trying to run? HOW?

I've been taking everyone's advice on 'taking time out for yourself' and 'working playtime into your life'. I have. I started working out like I used to and I sit down when I eat my meals (I'm a workaholic, so this is hard). But it's not doing the trick. So many emotions are taking over me...I cry at the drop of a hat. The other day I was listening to the RENT soundtrack in my car, how do you measure a year? The song says to measure it in love. I was torn. So many aspects of my life are perfect. I have an amazing family, great friends, and I'm successful in school. There's all kinds of love floatin around there. Why then, am I so lonely, longing for love? Taking time out for myself has made me face these crazy lonely feelings I have. It sucks.

Old habits are not far behind, waiting to snatch me back into a fog. A fog that refuses to let me see what I am really feeling. How do you fight it? Healing has a double edged sword...focusing on yourself is supposed to help you heal, but focusing on yourself is making you lose all control. If we only had the time and energy to lose all control, then the healing process could take the fast track.

I am frustrated beyond belief...why is life so easy for offenders? Even if they get time in jail they NEVER put in the time of pain, self-mutilation, and suffering that a survivor has to do. So what their name may get put on a registry if they are level three (which is highly unlikely). Oh no, people may know where you live for a few years. That is a minor setback in life. You're trying to hide from the public, I'm trying to hide from myself. Myself and everyone else.

I'm hurt. I'm suffering. Yet, I'm surviving. They say this is what you have to do to heal. Will it ever be over? Will I ever go at least 24 hours without making every effort to survive? I hope so.

Pay Attention!!!

I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. It does. BUT, at the moment I am struggling to find out why my mother had to have yet another traumatic experience today. She was in a car accident. Some jerk who was in a hurry pulled out in front of her...practically totaling her car. Maybe my mother was picked b/c her car is more capable of withstanding that kind of an impact?!? Maybe it was b/c she is so strong and more able to handle traumatic situations?!

Dear Gods and Goddesses,
Please stop picking on my mom. She's been through hell and back. She deserves a break.
Thanks.
Alisha

Recognizing a need for change

I recently received a smack in the face when Angela Shelton (http://www.searchingforangelashelton.com) came to visit SUNY Brockport. I originally organized this event in hopes that I would be able to reach out to survivors of sexual assault and domestic violence in the Rochester region. Little did I know, I was one of those survivors that needed help.

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I was sexually abused by my babysitter's son from the ages of 5-9. I have had problems that have stemmed from my abuse since, yet I have worked up this incredible tolerance, often ignoring my own cries for help. I tell myself that everything is fine, when it is not. It was not until I was driving Angela back to the airport that I realized I am still suffering from my abuse. I put so much energy into hiding my feelings when Angela was here, that by the time she was leaving, I was running out of steam. The days that came after became more and more difficult. Every emotion I had suppressed was beginning to float to the surface. How could I have fooled myself? I am a 22 year old young woman who has not had a relationship in 3 years and who has never had good sex. The only attention I seek and receive from males is negative (that way I know the guy is an ass, which is easier than trusting someone only to find out he is a jerk).

Immediately after the event on May 1st with Angela, I withdrew myself from social contact. I still talk to people, but it is not the same. These emotions are taking over, I have lost control. In fact, I had a complete breakdown in front of one of my favorite professors (how embarassing). I don't like to cry in front of people which is basically why I have withdrawn myself. I'm sad. I want to heal, I want to face my problems, but how?

I started this blog in hopes that I can share my struggles with other survivors. I know I am not alone. Hopefully this blog will provoke others to join this conversation, sharing words of wisdom on the healing process. Together we can figure out how to heal. I also hope that those who are not survivors will join in the conversation...afterall, you most likely know a survivor (even if you think you don't, I gaurantee you do).