Heal Over...

Yesterday I read lyrics to an amazing song that Jessie posted on her blog, I have to share my thoughts. The song is called Heal Over, by KT Tunstall. I'll break down the lyrics.

Verse 1
It isn't very difficult to see why
You are the way you are
Doesn't take a genius to realise
That sometimes life is hard
It's gonna take time
But you'll just have to wait
You're gonna be fine
But in the meantime...(Chorus)

I can remember being so frustrated when people did not understand me. I kept screaming to myself..."There's a reason why I am the way I am. There's a reason everybody is the way they are. Hear me, please. Please hear me. Please help me. " I'm starting to realize that this inner voice, this frustrated screaming inner voice, was yelling to me. How can I expect people to understand who I am and the reasons I am that way, when I do not even understand who I am or how the sexual abuse has affected my life? Listen to your voice. Listen to your body. There are signs everywhere. Recognizing that your body and mind are speaking to you, in my mind, is the first step towards healing. And like KT says, "It's gonna take time...You're gonna be fine." I hear this message, I believe it, I can't wait to be fine. Hopefully when I get really good at listening to myself, healing myself, then I can let people know who I am, who I really am, the me I've always wanted to be.

Chorus
Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you'll heal over
Heal over
Heal over someday

For me, I see the voice in this chorus as being our fellow survivors (or anyone who supports us). Those who are sharing the same hard track, the path towards a healthy living. I especially see people like Angela Shelton as the voice of this chorus. Those who continuously share their insights and encourage us to keep a healthy outlook, to be warriors.

Verse 2
And I don't wanna hear you tell yourself
That these feelings are in the past
You know it doesn't mean they're off the shelf
Because pain's built to last
Everybody sails alone
But we can travel side by side
Even if you fail
You know that no one really minds
Come over here lady (Chorus)

How many times have I told myself that I'm over it? I've dealt with it. I've moved on. Look at me, I have great friends and family and I am extremely successful academically. Life's great. Or is it? Telling myself that everything is great worked at the time. It worked to get me through the day without going insane. Only, in place of actually being happy and healthy, I became a workaholic. I've never had a break, time to eat, time to relax. Never. I go go go alllll the time. Hence my success at school I guess. The feelings are in the past, right? Wrong. It wasn't until Angela Shelton came to Brockport that I forced myself to pay attention to what I was doing to myself. Working myself to mask my pain. "Pain's built to last" according to KT. True, to an extent. I've learned that you need recognize how this pain is affecting you, physically and mentally. Find a healthy balance in life. If you work hard, play hard.

The second part of verse 2 says more than I could ever put into words. "Everyone sails alone." We do. All survivors have their own way of healing, their own wants, their own needs. Each situation is unique. Yet "we travel side by side." The healing process is so similar because we are all caught in the same cycle. The same self-abusing cycle. Through these kinds of networks we help each other sail side by side. And if you fall behind, if you fall back into the cycle, "no one really minds" because we all do at some point, sometimes over and over again. We're here to pull eachother back up. (hence the chorus of the song)

Verse 3
Don't hold on but don't let go
I know it's so hard
You've got to try to trust yourself
I know it's so hard, so hard (chorus)

Wow. How true is this? I remember being 9 years old, sitting in my psychologists office for the first time. His words stuck with me...he said, do you think you should just forget what happened? And I, of course, said yes. Who wants to remember that shit. To my surprise, he didn't agree. "Don't let go" of what happened (thank you Dr. Zuckerman). Letting go only puts the pain back "on the shelf." BUT, as KT brilliantly says, Don't hold on. In other words, don't let it control your life. Work on healing. Find a balance.

Finally, "You've got to try to trust yourself." Wow, what a concept. For so long I have not trusted anyone, not one single soul. Not even myself. I live my life waiting for the next bombshell to land. Just when things get good, I anticipate the bad. I realize now that I am not trusting myself. At all. Maybe if you trust yourself, find yourself, believe in yourself, heal yourself, then you can work on letting others share your peace, your happiness, without anticipating the bad. I hope so. But it is so hard.

KT finishes the song reminding us that we have support, so much support. And we will heal over someday. It's hard. But we will. I will.

Thank you Jessie for sharing this song. I feel like the lyrics were taken right from my mouth (even though I would never be able to articulate it so beautifully). I hope you all get the chance to download this song, the music ...I can't describe.