Recognizing a need for change

I recently received a smack in the face when Angela Shelton (http://www.searchingforangelashelton.com) came to visit SUNY Brockport. I originally organized this event in hopes that I would be able to reach out to survivors of sexual assault and domestic violence in the Rochester region. Little did I know, I was one of those survivors that needed help.

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I was sexually abused by my babysitter's son from the ages of 5-9. I have had problems that have stemmed from my abuse since, yet I have worked up this incredible tolerance, often ignoring my own cries for help. I tell myself that everything is fine, when it is not. It was not until I was driving Angela back to the airport that I realized I am still suffering from my abuse. I put so much energy into hiding my feelings when Angela was here, that by the time she was leaving, I was running out of steam. The days that came after became more and more difficult. Every emotion I had suppressed was beginning to float to the surface. How could I have fooled myself? I am a 22 year old young woman who has not had a relationship in 3 years and who has never had good sex. The only attention I seek and receive from males is negative (that way I know the guy is an ass, which is easier than trusting someone only to find out he is a jerk).

Immediately after the event on May 1st with Angela, I withdrew myself from social contact. I still talk to people, but it is not the same. These emotions are taking over, I have lost control. In fact, I had a complete breakdown in front of one of my favorite professors (how embarassing). I don't like to cry in front of people which is basically why I have withdrawn myself. I'm sad. I want to heal, I want to face my problems, but how?

I started this blog in hopes that I can share my struggles with other survivors. I know I am not alone. Hopefully this blog will provoke others to join this conversation, sharing words of wisdom on the healing process. Together we can figure out how to heal. I also hope that those who are not survivors will join in the conversation...afterall, you most likely know a survivor (even if you think you don't, I gaurantee you do).