Allowing yourself to heal...it's not that easy.

How do you commit to a life focused on healing when you have spent the majority of your life trying to run? HOW?

I've been taking everyone's advice on 'taking time out for yourself' and 'working playtime into your life'. I have. I started working out like I used to and I sit down when I eat my meals (I'm a workaholic, so this is hard). But it's not doing the trick. So many emotions are taking over me...I cry at the drop of a hat. The other day I was listening to the RENT soundtrack in my car, how do you measure a year? The song says to measure it in love. I was torn. So many aspects of my life are perfect. I have an amazing family, great friends, and I'm successful in school. There's all kinds of love floatin around there. Why then, am I so lonely, longing for love? Taking time out for myself has made me face these crazy lonely feelings I have. It sucks.

Old habits are not far behind, waiting to snatch me back into a fog. A fog that refuses to let me see what I am really feeling. How do you fight it? Healing has a double edged sword...focusing on yourself is supposed to help you heal, but focusing on yourself is making you lose all control. If we only had the time and energy to lose all control, then the healing process could take the fast track.

I am frustrated beyond belief...why is life so easy for offenders? Even if they get time in jail they NEVER put in the time of pain, self-mutilation, and suffering that a survivor has to do. So what their name may get put on a registry if they are level three (which is highly unlikely). Oh no, people may know where you live for a few years. That is a minor setback in life. You're trying to hide from the public, I'm trying to hide from myself. Myself and everyone else.

I'm hurt. I'm suffering. Yet, I'm surviving. They say this is what you have to do to heal. Will it ever be over? Will I ever go at least 24 hours without making every effort to survive? I hope so.