I just returned from a funfilled weekend at the 12th Annual University of Buffalo Ronald E. McNair Conference. I'm in this program called McNair that is dedicated to preparing undergraduate minority and underprivileged students for graduate work. In doing so, we receive training for the GRE's the application process and numerous other things that we students may have never thought to ask about. In order to be in the program you are paired up with a mentor to conduct research, which prepares us for graduate level work. It's amazing. I came to the program after a professor I was researching with sent me to apply. My life has taken a complete 180 since then. This weekend we were able to present our research in a professional setting, further preparing us for graduate school.
All of the students in the program are 1st generation college students of minority cultures and/or economically underprivileged college students. The atmosphere is insane, with all the students sharing their passions, visions, and stories of their past. I got to know the people in my program at Brockport really well. There was one individual in particular that stuck out to me. He is very perceptive and worldy, offering interesting perspectives on the world we live in.
He just happened to strike up conversation with me, trying to figure out my background. Apparantly I send a vibe. He said he noticed me in the McNair office on campus and picked up the sense that I have had a rough life. He said he went to one of our directors and said something to this effect, "There's something about her...I can see it in her face..."
He proceeded to tell me of all of the obstacles he has had to overcome. I think he was trying to make me feel more comfortable with him so he can figure out what has happened with me. He's a great guy. I think he was trying to tell me that he is supportive and here to listen.
But I froze. I know that in this particular environment I can be real with people and they won't judge. I felt like I should share my story with him. But I couldn't. It was surprisingly painful. We got into a conversation about my father after discussing how oblivious I was to the men around me. Apparantly a few people noticed that men would be checking me out or engaging in conversation, yet I had no idea what was going on. I tuned it out. huh. I was shocked and even more shocked after realizing my oblivion.
We continued our conversation and I slipped in that I don't have a relationship with my father. He assumes that's why I'm stand-offish with men. Haha. Close. If only he knew what my real issues are. I kept thinking this while we were talking. Yet, like I said, I was surprisingly mute. This is particularly out of the ordinary considering that I was there presenting on my research that is based around Rape Crisis Services. During the presentation I openly identified as a survivor, which elicited "coming out" stories from the audience. Yet throughout this converstion I could not bring myself to say, "you're close, but my real issues with men stem from my sexual abuse and the sexual abuse of many of my loved ones. Hell, I even have pedophiles in my family. How can you trust men after all that????" But I didn't. I sat silent.
I left the converstation feeling thrown off. Here's a guy who is really nice, really open, trustworthy, honorable, and supportive. And I blew him off. (blew him off in converstation, he wasn't trying to pick me up or anything). I left feeling sad that I give the vibe that my life is troubled. The pain in my eyes is apparant to outsiders. Huh. That really makes you think. I try not to make my pain overt. I try to make it look like I'm okay. But it's there. Always. People know. If they don't know they probably just think I'm a bitch (I have a tendency to get cranky every once in awhile).
I guess the moral of this story is, deal with your pain. You may be able to lie to yourself, but you can't lie to others. They see it no matter how hard you try to hide it. So face it. Don't run away. When people offer a supportive environment to express your pain, take advantage. Build networks of support. Crying does not make you vulnerable. It shows your strength.
Now, if only I could take my own advice.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
11 comments:
Hey Alisha! Welcome back-ish! Does this mean your connection is fixed?
Are you attending the speak out on the 29th? Are you speaking out? You did an amazing thing bringing Angela to us. You spoke loud and strong on so many different levels at that event. I think hearing your voice at the speakout will help you feel stronger when you are in situations such as this.
Practice practice practice!
Hey Franki,
I just left a message on Leah's blog saying that I hope to meet her and to see you there!! Are you coming?
I'm actually not speaking. Not planning to speak anyway. I am in charge of organizing the Clothesline Project for the speak out. So I'll be there all day volunteering and maybe even taking a little time out for myself to draw or speak or whatever I feel up to.
Thanks for your comments. I really hope to see you there. Your speaking out is an inspiration!!
I am coming, and I am speaking. And I would be more than happy to woman the clothesline project (if ya need) if you want to speak too!
Oooo, that might be a good idea. I'll probably decide at the last minute if I want to speak out. I'll let you know. Can't wait to hear you speak!!
hey girl! a "stranger" comes up to you at an educational conference and you felt obligated to disclose?
lish...lish...lish! You gotta give yourself more credit with instincts ((hugs)) I tend to think if this was the time and place for you to disclose to this man you would have? Apparently it was not! maybe some other time?
and....you know about vibes....you pick them up from others too! I don't see you standing around with some long lost hurt look in your eyes...but people who have been thru trauma tend to recognize others who have been thru trauma!
IMHO I think support (much like respect) is earned and most people don't just walk around expecting it or giving it! I see support as a relationship...you build up to it, you test it...and if someone earns your support or earns the right to be supported by you then you have in fact developed a relationship! so please don't second guess your discussions with this interested person...maybe just file them away as a person who you may want to develop a supportive relationship with (?) if you choose to!
XOXOXO
Good point. Although he wasn't a stranger. We've had conversations at school. He was just trying to offer support. At least that's what my instincts told me. But I froze. It was weird. I'm all about educating lately. Disclosing to complete strangers. Yet at this particular point in time I couldn't. I think it was because he was a male honestly. A male that was trying to develop a closer relationship. My instincts told me he wasn't trying to impress or pick me up or whatever. He was sincere. Which I think is why I froze.
It's funny that I can tell complete strangers but I can't talk about it with the people who know me best. This holds true in all of my relationships. huh. Haven't thought about it till now. I wonder what that means?????
Lish just hang in there keep thinking positive thoughts. About your comment on not being able to talk to the people who are close to you about certain things such as sexual assault. I think everyone experiences a little of that. You know that I am here for you if you need anything e-mail me strongmedicine06@gmail.com , check out my blog strongmedicinestartshere. Take care. ^Hugs^
I haven't been able to talk about it outloud at all. I've blogged a couple of times ... but verbally ...no.
Telling people what happened, even those I've got a relationship with ..psychiatrist, therapist ... friends ... makes me sick if I even think about talking about it outloud. I guess, that's why I ended up bulimic.
Your post caught my attention when you said "I even have pedophiles in my family."
I had to start over again ...
me too ...an uncle in prison ...
but that's something that's hard to talk about too. Even though it wasn't me he touched ...and it wasn't a family member that hurt me. It's a fact that terrifies me, saddens me ...and goes straight to my soul.
I was just thinking about this as I was running this morning. I think talking about it with those who are close is harder because they know you (well, my family and friends do....not always the case for people). You have to be real with them. With others you can cover stuff up.
The real stuff is the hard stuff. I can tell my story over and over again like a frickin robot. But with my family and friends, I'd have to be real. It takes so much more energy to hide the real feelings in those cases.
My thoughts on tuesday morning run...
oh and....I'm still not ready to go there on my family issues (with the pedophiles). The wounds are still fresh there. Plus, I have family to protect on that one.
Dreaming again...I hope someday you can scream it out loud. It feels good.
Thanks Chas for all your comments. I'll hold on to your email.
Alisha,
Hello again! You know that you can always turn to me for support if you need to. Just take it slow & feel your way through. When you are ready you will find the way you want to open up to your family (whether it be everyone or just your favorite auntie, mother, etc.). Keep writing. Your welcome Alisha =).
Post a Comment