The philosophy of healing...

Wow. I just had an amazing workout full of symbolism. Holy crap. Today I woke up and decided to snap out of my crappy mood. So I did. Slowly and surely. I ate healthy all day and then decided to do my favorite workout, which happens to be the most difficult. I do like a challenge. (you just witnessed me finding a part of myself...I like a challenge. I do. That's me. My name's Alisha and I like a challenge). ha. Anyway...this particular workout consists of both running and plyometrics (a type of exercise using explosive movements to develop muscular power, esp. bounding, hopping, and jumping, according to webster).

While I was doing the plyometrics, which builds strength in your muscles, I realized how similar this exercise is to healing. Plyos require you to focus on technique, not speed. It's more important that you complete each exercise correctly than it is to finish it fast. This requires you to focus. Now how does this relate to healing? Well, healing is certainly not about speed. Good lord, if it was everyone would do it. It is a long grueling process that requires you to focus. Pay attention to your mind and body. What is it telling you?

Plyos also require balance, which happens to be a necessity for life as well. I have stated before that finding balance in your life is key. If you work hard, play hard. That's my moto. (I know I know, saying it and doing it are 2 different things...I'm workin' on it!).

In addition to balance, focus, and technique (rather than speed), BREATHING is required. Not just breathing, but focusing on breathing. Plyos, if you do them correctly, can be one of the hardest training programs. Funny, healing is the same way. It is harder to heal. Harder to commit to healing than it is to push it away, to take the easy or fast way out.

While I was running, I was thinking about how plyos build strength. The strongest and best athletes do plyos. Healing, too, builds strength. In addition, a team full of athletes who have strength training is likely to be the better team. A world full of survivors who have trained to heal, breaks the cycle and elicits change. There is strength in numbers. But numbers alone won't do it. A team full of the best athletes is not necessarily the best team. Other 'weaker' teams, who are more united, who work together to reach a common goal, are more likely to come out on top. That's because they're on the same page. They don't judge. They encourage each other. Support each other. Unity. There is strength in unity. Imagine, a world full of strong survivors who use their common ground to unite and fight the system...huh, what a concept.

I'm beginning to find what works for me. I cannot imagine what life would be like if I never started playing sports as a little girl. Actually, it's funny to think about how the meaning of sports in my life has changed as I've grown. Initially it was a way for me, a young incredibly angry child, to release steam, anger, frustration. It was a constructive way to release the feelings that I could not verbalize as a child. Today, in addition to releasing my anger through working out, I am able to use the philosphy of sport as an analogy to the healing process; which, in turn, assists me in my healing process.

It's funny, this feeling. Knowing that I'm chuggin' along on this rollercoaster that just happens to be on an incline at the moment. Last week I was falling, falling fast, with no clear sign of an upside. Today, I'm climbing back up. I think I can, I think I can. Hopefully, as I continue on this rollercoaster ride, the hills will get smaller and smaller. Eventually, there may be no hills. Only small bumps. I can handle small bumps. Ahhhh, I can see it coming!

: )

Control This...!@#$

Alright, so I feel a bit better today. I still took the weekend to be spinning in this never ending cycle of pain, beating myself up for still being single, eating crappy, drinking alcohol, and avoiding people. HOWEVER, I've realized some things. In my last post I mentioned that I may just be replacing one addiction with another by trying to be healthy. I feel like that is all I am doing. However, I realize now that being healthy, forcing myself to be healthy, is not the only answer to living a fulfilling life. That is just one aspect that I need to fix. Therefore, I'm not replacing one addiction with another. By being active and healthy, I am opening up the opportunity to heal mentally. You cannot heal mentally as a workaholic, but you can as a health "freak" (and I say freak lightheartedly, it's not really freakish). The next step is to deal with all of these emotions that are resurfacing. How?

I don't know how yet. But after speaking with my mom, I realize that it is important to remain positive. Recognizing that this REALLY shitty thing happened to you is the first step. Then KNOWING that it does not have to control you is the next. Ironically, you have control over whether or not it controls your life. Knowing that when you feel crappy, when you feel like drinking, when you feel like withdrawing, those are all ways that the abuse is controlling you. Stop it. NOW. DO NOT let it control your life.

Make something positive out of it. My mom, who is also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (I got her permission to say this, GO Mom for speaking out!!), said that you can make something positive out of a bad experience. She proceeded to remind me of all the ways I have been working to make something positive come out of this. And I was like, oh yah, I have done that. Recognize the control you do have. Use that control for your benefit. Check yourself. Constantly check yourself to make sure that what you are doing is benefitting you.

I've noticed that I am defining my progress with healing by my lack of a boyfriend. I somehow think that if I had a boyfriend or was able to start a relationship, then that means I have healed. But it doesn't. It's deeper than that. I haven't had a boyfriend in 3 years, I'm too afraid to go there. (for all of those guys who think that I turned you down because I have issues, you're wrong. I turned you down because I'm not interested...good lord). I've noticed that I have two types of guys hitting on me. Neither one being my interest. They're either egotistical assholes who are preying on girls for a piece of ass or pushy guys who get pissed and never talk to me again when I reject them. Or if they do talk to me again, they are very childish b/c they have suffered the ultimate blow to a male's ego, rejection. In fact, I had this one loser guy call me last night and leave me what sounded like a drunken message (at 730pm). I think he may have been attemtping to repair his ego. Only he just validated my perception of him.

Anyway, I'm on a tangent. My point is that you should not depend on the presence or absence of a man in your life for validation. I learned from Angela Shelton that you may only see the assholes when you are still suffering from your abuse. Therefore, only the assholes hit on you and you only end up dating assholes. I have hope that the really good guys, the guys that I know will catch my interest, are out there, I just haven't been seeing them. I'll let you know when I figure out how the hell to see them. (Maybe when you work on healing yourself and are happy with yourself, they will appear. I bet it's magic)

My points are all kind of jumbled today. That is a result of a week of confusion and spinning. However, my main point, and the most important, is to recognize your need to control your life. Use it contructively. Don't control your life through work, alcohol, self-mutilation. Control your life through living healthy. Control your life by committing to ending your self-abuse. You may have to replace your worst addiction (workaholic) with another addiction (committing yourself to healing). Just make sure that the new addiction you develop is the addiction to heal. To live. To love. To laugh. They're much more fun.

oh, and if you're having trouble calling the new, positive, controlling habit an addiction, then call it a commitment. A bind. An agreement. Whatever you wish. Just do it.

:)

From workaholic to health freak...

So I've been thinking. I had my life pretty much under control before the beginning of may. It may not have been the best way to live but at least I didn't feel like this everyday. By being a workaholic I was able to keep myself from feeling like this and I was still social. Since may, I have withdrawn myself from people. I've tried, so hard, to do the things everyone recommends. The working out. The eating healthy. The taking time out for yourself. I've done it all. But now all I have is a whole lot of emotions surfacing. What do I do with them? I don't want to go from being a workaholic to being a health freak. I feel like that just replaces one addiction with another. I'm stuck. I'm trying to keep a positive outlook...I know it will get better. The problem is, figuring out how to make it better. :(

Sad

Current mood: sad : (

I missed a few days of working out while I was home and ooohhh boy did it catch up with me. I wanted to crawl in a hole and scream and cry when I tried getting back into yesterday. It hurt. A lot. Today was a bit better. While I was running I realized that I can relate working out to the healing process yet again. I took a few days off. Fell back into the terrible self-abusing cycle, I fell hard. Yesterday and today was like starting all over again. Attempting to pick up steam. Rebuild. Only now I'm much sadder and weaker than ever before.

It's said that if you take one day off from working out you lose a week of training and have to start over. I think taking one day of from healing is like losing a frickin year. I feel like shit.

I feel like withdrawing and crying at every single point of the day. I decided to call the martial arts people to see about some self-defense courses. Maybe they'll help me with my confidence. I also need to release some serious friggin anger. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Breathe in...Breath out...

Breathe.
I spent the weekend at home with mom and the rest of the fam. I was sooo looking forward to going home. It just wasn't enough time to visit. I haven't been able to spend time with mom since I've had this healing kick. It's rough. I need her to know I'm not okay (she knows). But I just need to talk. The whole time I was visiting I was hoping to find the opportunity to discuss my fears and my worries. Not possible when you're only home for two full days.

Now that I am spending time on myself, I have less time to work. Less work means less money. Less money means added stress. Added stress means less time to focus on healing. Less time to focus on healing means falling back into the perpetual cycle. It's a daunting reality.

Nauseous. I was nauseous the entire time I was visiting. Sick. Tired. Tense. Anticipating losing control. Revealing my emotions. Crying.

Eventually, the night before I left to come back to Brockport, I lost it. I cried. A lot. I cried because I need to share this time of healing with my family. Yet I can't do so when I am never home. I have not been able to visit for more than 2-3 days at a time in over 6 months. That's enough time to say, hey what's new, how've you been, what's next? It takes time to get into details, and that I didn't have.

I had to wear my sunglasses on the drive home because my head was pounding. The smallest bit of light was enough to send shooting pains through my head. I felt like I had a sinus infection with all of the pressure in my head. You can't exactly release the pressure, lose it and cry while you're on a 4 hour drive. So I did what I've always been good at, I held it in.

I'm sad. I want my mom. Which reminds me of another issue I have....the pressure of trying to protect family (my mom) from the pain of watching me hurt. I've always been very protective of my mom, knowing it kills her to see me in pain. So I avoid discussing my issues related to the sexual abuse. I can't do it anymore. I can't avoid it. BUT, I don't want to see her hurt. It's hard. She's been through a lot of shit too. I don't know how much more she can take.

Silence. Silence breads frustration. Frustration. Frustration increases tension. Tension. Tension. Tension. Tension. Tension forces the eventually release. Release of every emotion. Emotion. Emotions suddenly pouring out. Suddenly. Suddenly a loss of control. Loss of control leads to fear of sharing emotions, of feeling emotions. Fear of sharing and feeling emotions. Fear of sharing and feeling emotions forces you into silence. Silence. And silence breads frustration...

Breathe.

Blah...

It's too late to really get into the issues I have had over the past few days. I'll try it tomorrow. I'm tired. Sad. Worn out. Desparate. Running out of steam. Sad....Really sad. I cried a lot over the past day. I miss mom. I miss my voice. I wish I knew how to deal. I'll explain tomorrow. Right now I need sleep.

Recognizing the things you love...

So today, I was packing and getting ready to travel to Mom's house for the weekend. While doing so, I was enjoying some celery and peanut butter. Mmmm. Thinking to myself...I looooove peanut butter. And then I had a moment. haha. I just said, I looooove peanut butter. And I realized that I am learning something about myself. I'm finding myself. One small thing at a time.

Then, less than a half hour later, while I was listening to KT's album, I realized something else about myself. I loooooove singing. haha. Even though some may be in tears, in pain when I sing. I love it. I love when musicians share their soul and allow me to share it with them. I love belting out songs in my car when I'm by myself (note: when I'm by myself). lol.

When I noticed both of these things that I love today, I realized that I am finding myself. Recognizing myself. Defining who I am.

So far, I'm a young woman who loves peanut butter and who pretends she is an unbelievable musician, with soul. I can't wait to find out what else I reeeaaaallllly love to do.

Who are you? What makes you happy?

ps: I'm traveling to see mom for the weekend : -). I'll write later.