Control This...!@#$

Alright, so I feel a bit better today. I still took the weekend to be spinning in this never ending cycle of pain, beating myself up for still being single, eating crappy, drinking alcohol, and avoiding people. HOWEVER, I've realized some things. In my last post I mentioned that I may just be replacing one addiction with another by trying to be healthy. I feel like that is all I am doing. However, I realize now that being healthy, forcing myself to be healthy, is not the only answer to living a fulfilling life. That is just one aspect that I need to fix. Therefore, I'm not replacing one addiction with another. By being active and healthy, I am opening up the opportunity to heal mentally. You cannot heal mentally as a workaholic, but you can as a health "freak" (and I say freak lightheartedly, it's not really freakish). The next step is to deal with all of these emotions that are resurfacing. How?

I don't know how yet. But after speaking with my mom, I realize that it is important to remain positive. Recognizing that this REALLY shitty thing happened to you is the first step. Then KNOWING that it does not have to control you is the next. Ironically, you have control over whether or not it controls your life. Knowing that when you feel crappy, when you feel like drinking, when you feel like withdrawing, those are all ways that the abuse is controlling you. Stop it. NOW. DO NOT let it control your life.

Make something positive out of it. My mom, who is also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (I got her permission to say this, GO Mom for speaking out!!), said that you can make something positive out of a bad experience. She proceeded to remind me of all the ways I have been working to make something positive come out of this. And I was like, oh yah, I have done that. Recognize the control you do have. Use that control for your benefit. Check yourself. Constantly check yourself to make sure that what you are doing is benefitting you.

I've noticed that I am defining my progress with healing by my lack of a boyfriend. I somehow think that if I had a boyfriend or was able to start a relationship, then that means I have healed. But it doesn't. It's deeper than that. I haven't had a boyfriend in 3 years, I'm too afraid to go there. (for all of those guys who think that I turned you down because I have issues, you're wrong. I turned you down because I'm not interested...good lord). I've noticed that I have two types of guys hitting on me. Neither one being my interest. They're either egotistical assholes who are preying on girls for a piece of ass or pushy guys who get pissed and never talk to me again when I reject them. Or if they do talk to me again, they are very childish b/c they have suffered the ultimate blow to a male's ego, rejection. In fact, I had this one loser guy call me last night and leave me what sounded like a drunken message (at 730pm). I think he may have been attemtping to repair his ego. Only he just validated my perception of him.

Anyway, I'm on a tangent. My point is that you should not depend on the presence or absence of a man in your life for validation. I learned from Angela Shelton that you may only see the assholes when you are still suffering from your abuse. Therefore, only the assholes hit on you and you only end up dating assholes. I have hope that the really good guys, the guys that I know will catch my interest, are out there, I just haven't been seeing them. I'll let you know when I figure out how the hell to see them. (Maybe when you work on healing yourself and are happy with yourself, they will appear. I bet it's magic)

My points are all kind of jumbled today. That is a result of a week of confusion and spinning. However, my main point, and the most important, is to recognize your need to control your life. Use it contructively. Don't control your life through work, alcohol, self-mutilation. Control your life through living healthy. Control your life by committing to ending your self-abuse. You may have to replace your worst addiction (workaholic) with another addiction (committing yourself to healing). Just make sure that the new addiction you develop is the addiction to heal. To live. To love. To laugh. They're much more fun.

oh, and if you're having trouble calling the new, positive, controlling habit an addiction, then call it a commitment. A bind. An agreement. Whatever you wish. Just do it.

:)