I miss him. My ex. I have these days sometimes. He was a great boyfriend. But he was a high school boyfriend. You know how that goes. First love. You never forget your first love. I can't decide if I miss him...or if I miss "it." You know, the "it" that makes your knees shake and your body tingle (stop with the dirty minds people). I've never been able to be so open with another man. I trusted him. I grew up with him. How do you find that again?
I often wonder if I am longing for "it" with another man or if I am longing for "it" with myself. I've been told numerous times that you have to love yourself before you can be in love with somebody else, the true love. Not the needy love. I believe it. But I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to find myself, trying to love myself. When will it be over? When will I accept myself?
Do I miss him, "it"? Or do I miss me? Sometimes I think I can date and find the one...but how do I trust anyone enough to date? I know, I know. I need to work on myself before that will happen. I'm worn out though. I'm tired. I need a companion to help me through it. Or do I?
You see the pattern. I crave love. But from who? Me or someone else? I want to date but have no trust. Will working on myself allow me to trust? Or will having a companion help me work on myself and build trust?
Who knows! All I know is I'm lonely. Now, am I lonely because I miss my self, my soul? Or am I lonely because I miss being in love?
It goes on and on...I'll stop now...
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Boredom
I'm playing around with my backgrounds...cause I'm bored with the blue. I'll work on adding the same links that I already had from fellow survivors...I just have to figure it out! Any ideas on how to have a better background...I'm bored with the blue.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Sober or blacking out??
I recently decided to slow down my drinking habits. I've recognized that it is a bit out of control. I'm not an alcoholic, I don't drink all day everday. I don't need alcohol to deal with everyday life. But I do need alcohol to get me through a night of socializing. I wasn't a big drinker until about a year and a half ago. I went from barely drinking to drinking to the point of blacking out. Funny that it took me almost two years to realize this is abnormal. Good lord Alisha!
The last time I blacked out was about 2 weeks ago. I woke up, went through the usual routine of asking everyone what happened the night before, concluding that "we must have had fun." It's odd that my reasoning for not drinking before a year and a half ago was because I lived in fear of being sexually assaulted. I hate the loss of control that comes with alcohol. Oddly enough, I went from fearing a loss of control to being out of control, often embarassing myself while being intoxicated.
Two weeks ago, after the routine of finding out the nights events, I made a commitment to end the non-sense. Why the hell was I doing this to myself? How stupid could I be? I was viewing a night of socializing through a dichotomous lens. I either was sober and in total control or wasted and out of control. The thought of casual drinking and staying in control never occurred.
I set on a journey to understand my logic. I should mention that by 'blacking out' I don't mean totally off my face falling all over on the streets and puking. I just would wake up and not remember certain conversations or actions I had taken.
Last night, I set out on my journey of casual drinking. It didn't take long for me to realize why I don't casually drink. I am 100% insecure. Holy crap. I felt like every person in the place was staring at me, not because they were interested, but because they were thinking...'that girl has a gut, her ass is huge, check out her thunderthighs, man her arms are flabby...'
You get the point.
I realized that while being drunk, I don't have to deal with all of these insecurities. I'm not afraid to have conversations. I'm not constantly analyzing how I look. I don't feel like everyone is criticizing me. I'm just having a crazy time.
So what do I do...not go out? Stop drinking? Or do I deal with my insecurities and casually drink on occasion?
Obviously the latter is the ideal way to go. But how. How do I deal with my insecurities? It doesn't help that while you're sober you're listening in on men's conversations. Conversations that always involve a complete analysis of the way women look. Perhaps even worse are the conversations by women who also critically analyze the way women look. Get over it people. We can't all look anorexic. I'd love to say that to the critics, but I don't.
Clearly I need to work on my insecurities and I would advise myself to stop drinking while doing so. But I'm at an age where drinking is a time to socialize. So how do I balance it? I can't deal with going out and feeling like everyone's staring. I hate it.
We'll see how I handle this one.
The last time I blacked out was about 2 weeks ago. I woke up, went through the usual routine of asking everyone what happened the night before, concluding that "we must have had fun." It's odd that my reasoning for not drinking before a year and a half ago was because I lived in fear of being sexually assaulted. I hate the loss of control that comes with alcohol. Oddly enough, I went from fearing a loss of control to being out of control, often embarassing myself while being intoxicated.
Two weeks ago, after the routine of finding out the nights events, I made a commitment to end the non-sense. Why the hell was I doing this to myself? How stupid could I be? I was viewing a night of socializing through a dichotomous lens. I either was sober and in total control or wasted and out of control. The thought of casual drinking and staying in control never occurred.
I set on a journey to understand my logic. I should mention that by 'blacking out' I don't mean totally off my face falling all over on the streets and puking. I just would wake up and not remember certain conversations or actions I had taken.
Last night, I set out on my journey of casual drinking. It didn't take long for me to realize why I don't casually drink. I am 100% insecure. Holy crap. I felt like every person in the place was staring at me, not because they were interested, but because they were thinking...'that girl has a gut, her ass is huge, check out her thunderthighs, man her arms are flabby...'
You get the point.
I realized that while being drunk, I don't have to deal with all of these insecurities. I'm not afraid to have conversations. I'm not constantly analyzing how I look. I don't feel like everyone is criticizing me. I'm just having a crazy time.
So what do I do...not go out? Stop drinking? Or do I deal with my insecurities and casually drink on occasion?
Obviously the latter is the ideal way to go. But how. How do I deal with my insecurities? It doesn't help that while you're sober you're listening in on men's conversations. Conversations that always involve a complete analysis of the way women look. Perhaps even worse are the conversations by women who also critically analyze the way women look. Get over it people. We can't all look anorexic. I'd love to say that to the critics, but I don't.
Clearly I need to work on my insecurities and I would advise myself to stop drinking while doing so. But I'm at an age where drinking is a time to socialize. So how do I balance it? I can't deal with going out and feeling like everyone's staring. I hate it.
We'll see how I handle this one.
Sexual assault...a MEN's issue??
I just finished reading the first chapter of Jackson Katz's new book, The Macho Paradox. I highly recommend grabbing a copy. The preface alone is enough to make you want to sit down and read it in one day. Jackson Katz, a male feminist, is active in a movement of men working to help end violence against women and children. An interesting concept. He takes the focus away from what women can do to protect themselves from an assault, challenging both women and men to recognize men's role in violence against women and children.
Katz starts his book with an exercise that throws a bit of reality right in your face. I've always known the steps that women have to take EVERYDAY to ensure their safety. When a woman is assaulted, she is immediately blamed for not taking the proper steps, using 'common sense', in order to avoid an assault. Katz addresses a group of men and women by asking men first how they protect themselves from assault on a daily basis. According to Katz, "occasionally a young guy will raise his hand and say, 'I stay out of prison.'" Laughter follows.
When the women are asked the steps they take, the steps that are so engrained they become subconsious actions, the list goes on and on. While reading this, I got a bit upset. I've always known the extra precautions women have to take, it's always pissed me off; but for some reason, I got even more upset than usual. Here's the list:
"Hold my keys as a potential weapon. Look in the back seat of the car before getting in. Carry a cell phone. Don't go jogging at night. Lock all the windows when I go to sleep, even on hot summer nights. Be careful not to drink too much. Don't put my drink down and come back to it; make sure I see it being poured. Own a big dog. Carry Mace or pepper spray. Have an unlisted phone number. Have a man's voice on my answering machine. Park in well-lit areas. Don't use parking garages. Don't get on elevators with only one man, or with a group of men. Vary my route home from work. Watch what I wear. Don't use highway rest areas. Use a home alarm system. Don't wear headphones when jogging. Avoid forests or wooded areas, even in the daytime. Don't take a first-floor apartment. Go out in groups. Own a firearm. Meet men on first dates in public places. Make sure to have a car or cab fare. Don't make eye contact with men on teh street. Make assertive eye contact with men on the street."
Sound familiar ladies?? Daily women take these steps. Men, however, laugh and joke about staying out of prison. This list pisses me off for a couple of reasons. First, it's not fair and most people just chalk it up to a fact of life for women. Fuck that. Why should it have to be a fact of life for women? Second, this entire list of actions we take to protect ourselves prepares us for an attack from a STRANGER. Hello!!! Statistics show that anywhere between 60 and 80% of sexual assaults are perpetrated by an acquaintance (90% when involving child sexual abuse), most of which occur in the victim's or perpetrator's home. Therefore, we prepare ourselves for stranger rapes, which are much less likely to occur. And then, we get blamed for failing to protect ourselves, for lacking common sense. Clearly this validates the rules of logic. Yet we let it go b/c it's a women's issue, right?
Katz argues that violence against women and children is just as much of a men's issue as it is a women's issue. I concur!
Read the book! And thank the men that are taking action! Stand Up Guys is a group located here in Rochester that is fighting violence against women and children! Go Stand Up Guys!
Katz starts his book with an exercise that throws a bit of reality right in your face. I've always known the steps that women have to take EVERYDAY to ensure their safety. When a woman is assaulted, she is immediately blamed for not taking the proper steps, using 'common sense', in order to avoid an assault. Katz addresses a group of men and women by asking men first how they protect themselves from assault on a daily basis. According to Katz, "occasionally a young guy will raise his hand and say, 'I stay out of prison.'" Laughter follows.
When the women are asked the steps they take, the steps that are so engrained they become subconsious actions, the list goes on and on. While reading this, I got a bit upset. I've always known the extra precautions women have to take, it's always pissed me off; but for some reason, I got even more upset than usual. Here's the list:
"Hold my keys as a potential weapon. Look in the back seat of the car before getting in. Carry a cell phone. Don't go jogging at night. Lock all the windows when I go to sleep, even on hot summer nights. Be careful not to drink too much. Don't put my drink down and come back to it; make sure I see it being poured. Own a big dog. Carry Mace or pepper spray. Have an unlisted phone number. Have a man's voice on my answering machine. Park in well-lit areas. Don't use parking garages. Don't get on elevators with only one man, or with a group of men. Vary my route home from work. Watch what I wear. Don't use highway rest areas. Use a home alarm system. Don't wear headphones when jogging. Avoid forests or wooded areas, even in the daytime. Don't take a first-floor apartment. Go out in groups. Own a firearm. Meet men on first dates in public places. Make sure to have a car or cab fare. Don't make eye contact with men on teh street. Make assertive eye contact with men on the street."
Sound familiar ladies?? Daily women take these steps. Men, however, laugh and joke about staying out of prison. This list pisses me off for a couple of reasons. First, it's not fair and most people just chalk it up to a fact of life for women. Fuck that. Why should it have to be a fact of life for women? Second, this entire list of actions we take to protect ourselves prepares us for an attack from a STRANGER. Hello!!! Statistics show that anywhere between 60 and 80% of sexual assaults are perpetrated by an acquaintance (90% when involving child sexual abuse), most of which occur in the victim's or perpetrator's home. Therefore, we prepare ourselves for stranger rapes, which are much less likely to occur. And then, we get blamed for failing to protect ourselves, for lacking common sense. Clearly this validates the rules of logic. Yet we let it go b/c it's a women's issue, right?
Katz argues that violence against women and children is just as much of a men's issue as it is a women's issue. I concur!
Read the book! And thank the men that are taking action! Stand Up Guys is a group located here in Rochester that is fighting violence against women and children! Go Stand Up Guys!
Friday, June 23, 2006
I said no...
I recently spoke with my women's studies mentor about the issues I have had with this dating situation. She made me realize a ton of things. First, and most importantly, she said that it took her a long time to learn that friendships have different levels. You have acquaintances, friends you like to hang out with, close friends, and intimate friends (the friends you can count on always). I realized that these friends who were pressuring me into dating a guy I had no interest in and then telling me it's b/c I have issues and it's no big deal, are the friends that I like to hang out with. They're not my real friends. However, I no longer am interested in hanging out with them. If they can't respect my decision and leave the analysis of my emotional state up to me, then I'd rather spend my time with closer friends.
I've realized by talking with many different women, strong women, that this pressure to date men, men we may not be interested in, is unfair. Why do I have to date a guy that I'm not interested in just b/c he has taken a liking to me? I feel like women or at least some women are expected to do so. If they don't then they receive all of the shit from people. It must mean somethings wrong with me...why the hell else wouldn't I date any dude who was interested? Oh I know, I AM NOT interested. Huh. What a concept?
Don't pathologize me, don't analyze me. I'm not you. Everyone has different experiences. While they may be similar, it doesn't mean they have the same feelings about things as you.
After being sexually abuse or raped, we as survivors need to have the control over our own lives. We want it back. We need the power that was taken away from us back. So to have other people analyzing our situations or criticizing our dating decisions is more than frustrating (I've done this with other survivors, and I now feel bad for offering any advice, sorry). I'm not okay. But I'm not suffering. I'm not suicidal and I'm not self-mutilating. I've come a long way. I recognize what I need to work on. In fact, my professor and I also discussed how my abuse may have damaged my ability to have healthy, emotional relationships with other people (friends, family, significant others alike).
I'd like to work on this and I think many survivors may be able to identify with what I'm about to say. When I was being sexually abused, I did what many survivors do in order to survive; I created my own little emotional hiding place, deep inside my psyche. I went there to hide whenever I couldn't tolerate the pain of my abuse. I became sooooo good at running and hiding whenever something emotional happened, that it became habitual. Now, it is difficult for me to deal with emotions. I don't cry. I don't feel. I run and hide. Luckily, this is a habit. You can break habits. I'm working on that by talking about my issues here and by speaking more with my family and friends on sad days. I cannot even describe how good it feels to have the supportive network that I have.
Anyway, I'm beginning to realize that you really have to pay attention to your mind and body. Pay attention and allow yourself to have control of yourself. Tell people when they piss you off. They won't do it again. If they aren't comfortable with your reaction and they don't respect your decisions, then they most likely weren't close or intimate friends in the first place. I've found that time is so precious, I don't have time to waste on people who don't respect me.
I'm beginning to recognize the difference between the type of guys I am interested in and the type of guys I am not interested in. I understand that I still have many issues, such as fear of trusting a guy that is actually an asshole, fear of pressure to have sex and not being able to say no, fear of date rape, but at least I am working on them. The biggest step I've taken is actually saying no. I said no. I don't want to date this guy. I set my boundaries (thanks Franki!). I demanded respect. Hopefully, when I'm interested in a guy and I eventually date, I'll be able to set my boundaries around the sexual aspects of a relationship. Hopefully I'll say no until I am ready.
I think saying no to this guy was a huge first step :) I'm preparing myself for the next step. It really is a powerful feeling to demand respect. I've always been strong and independent, but weak and passive at the same time. To change the weaker side of me is an amazing feeling.
How exciting, I'm regaining control. One day at a time.
How does everyone feel about regaining control and demanding respect?
I've realized by talking with many different women, strong women, that this pressure to date men, men we may not be interested in, is unfair. Why do I have to date a guy that I'm not interested in just b/c he has taken a liking to me? I feel like women or at least some women are expected to do so. If they don't then they receive all of the shit from people. It must mean somethings wrong with me...why the hell else wouldn't I date any dude who was interested? Oh I know, I AM NOT interested. Huh. What a concept?
Don't pathologize me, don't analyze me. I'm not you. Everyone has different experiences. While they may be similar, it doesn't mean they have the same feelings about things as you.
After being sexually abuse or raped, we as survivors need to have the control over our own lives. We want it back. We need the power that was taken away from us back. So to have other people analyzing our situations or criticizing our dating decisions is more than frustrating (I've done this with other survivors, and I now feel bad for offering any advice, sorry). I'm not okay. But I'm not suffering. I'm not suicidal and I'm not self-mutilating. I've come a long way. I recognize what I need to work on. In fact, my professor and I also discussed how my abuse may have damaged my ability to have healthy, emotional relationships with other people (friends, family, significant others alike).
I'd like to work on this and I think many survivors may be able to identify with what I'm about to say. When I was being sexually abused, I did what many survivors do in order to survive; I created my own little emotional hiding place, deep inside my psyche. I went there to hide whenever I couldn't tolerate the pain of my abuse. I became sooooo good at running and hiding whenever something emotional happened, that it became habitual. Now, it is difficult for me to deal with emotions. I don't cry. I don't feel. I run and hide. Luckily, this is a habit. You can break habits. I'm working on that by talking about my issues here and by speaking more with my family and friends on sad days. I cannot even describe how good it feels to have the supportive network that I have.
Anyway, I'm beginning to realize that you really have to pay attention to your mind and body. Pay attention and allow yourself to have control of yourself. Tell people when they piss you off. They won't do it again. If they aren't comfortable with your reaction and they don't respect your decisions, then they most likely weren't close or intimate friends in the first place. I've found that time is so precious, I don't have time to waste on people who don't respect me.
I'm beginning to recognize the difference between the type of guys I am interested in and the type of guys I am not interested in. I understand that I still have many issues, such as fear of trusting a guy that is actually an asshole, fear of pressure to have sex and not being able to say no, fear of date rape, but at least I am working on them. The biggest step I've taken is actually saying no. I said no. I don't want to date this guy. I set my boundaries (thanks Franki!). I demanded respect. Hopefully, when I'm interested in a guy and I eventually date, I'll be able to set my boundaries around the sexual aspects of a relationship. Hopefully I'll say no until I am ready.
I think saying no to this guy was a huge first step :) I'm preparing myself for the next step. It really is a powerful feeling to demand respect. I've always been strong and independent, but weak and passive at the same time. To change the weaker side of me is an amazing feeling.
How exciting, I'm regaining control. One day at a time.
How does everyone feel about regaining control and demanding respect?
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
The dating scene...I hate it
Ahhh, the women's building. A breath of fresh air. While in california I visited The Women's Building in San Francisco. The entire building was painted with images of beautiful women from all cultures. It was amazing.
Anyway, today I need to complain about dating. I've struggled with this issue for many years. My last boyfriend was also my best friend. We had known each other since we were 5. 3 years ago we broke up, ending my love life as we know it. At first, I was completely NOT interested in dating anyone. In fact, I recognized that I needed to spend some time working on myself. So I headed to NYC for a summer to stir up my life a bit. I needed to see what this world is all about.
I'd say it was at least a year and a half or so before I even thought about dating again. I started longing for a significant other. But you're not supposed to look for em right? So instead I occupied my time, all of my time doing work. Busy busy busy. I have no time to date...right? Nah, that's just what I tell people.
Now, I'm in a situation that is actually pissing me off. A lot. A couple friends of mine are trying to set me up with their friend. I've met this guy before when we were all out for a night. I wasn't interested. (not being interested is allowed, right?). Now I'm feeling the pressure because these people are taking it upon themselves to analyze me. Yah, me. Saying I'm closed off and I'm too busy for a reason, the reason being to avoid dating. Okay, so that's true to an extent. However, there's a difference between closing myself off because I'm afraid and closing myself off because I'm not interested. These people are using my issues to pressure me into dating this guy. I don't like the control they have over the situation. If they wanted me to just hang out with everyone and get to know him, I would have been fine with that. But no, it had to be turned into a date. A big thing that everyone talks about. One of them had the nerve to tell me that another girl was uncomfortable hanging with the three of them last night b/c "he's my man" (and she was serious). Fuck that shit. We hung out as a group one night, I might have said two words to him. He's not my man. We're not dating. I'm not interested. If I was interested, I would have made more of an effort that first night.
Alright, so am I over reacting? Who knows? All I know is, I'm not interested in this guy. He's not a bad guy. Just not my type. So why should I be pressured into a date that is going no where? Let me deal with my own issues people. You analyzing me and telling me how you think I should begin dating is not going to help. (I'm talking to these people...not the people who read my blog...I love the advice from my blog readers, you understand me, they don't)
The moral of the story is...even though I am afraid to start dating, I know when I'm attracted to somebody. Whether or not I pursue something with my interest is the issue. My issue is not dating anybody and everybody. I don't want to. Good lord, leave me alone.
Does anyone else have dating issues? I'm sure you do, b/c that is another part of surviving. But I'm lost. Let's chat.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Off to California :)
I'm off to California for the weekend :) I'll be back on monday. I have lots of good stories saved up for when I get back...they involve dating. pahaha. I know. Me? Date? I already feel like I'm too old for that. Good lord it's been awhile.
Anyway, I'm going to the National Women's Studies Association Annual Conference in Oakland. Sooooo excited. Here's another thing that I love. I love women's studies. I love feminism. My first women's studies course is where I began coming out of my shell. Speaking out through my writing. Only the professors read the papers but at least I was saying it to someone. So I have ran with the program ever since my first course. I'm thrilled to be able to spend time with all the amazing women who are paving pathways for themselves and the younger generations of women. Woohoo.
K. Gotta go pack and be on my way :) <----I've been smiling a lot the past couple days. I love the rising part of the cycle!
Anyway, I'm going to the National Women's Studies Association Annual Conference in Oakland. Sooooo excited. Here's another thing that I love. I love women's studies. I love feminism. My first women's studies course is where I began coming out of my shell. Speaking out through my writing. Only the professors read the papers but at least I was saying it to someone. So I have ran with the program ever since my first course. I'm thrilled to be able to spend time with all the amazing women who are paving pathways for themselves and the younger generations of women. Woohoo.
K. Gotta go pack and be on my way :) <----I've been smiling a lot the past couple days. I love the rising part of the cycle!
Monday, June 12, 2006
The philosophy of healing...part duex (I almost forgot!)
Good lord, I almost forgot the most important part of my workout today. The cool down. While I was taking my final two laps around the track, I developed this incredibly intense cramp. Not one of those cramps that you can run through. I tried that. It was one of those cramps that was like, uh excuse me hunny, you're gonna have to stop or your muscle is gonna rip. Crap. I was pissed. This cramp was about to ruin a perfectly good workout. A great workout actually.
So I stopped and walked a half a lap. While walking and attempting to breath (cuz the incredible pain would not go away), I started getting really pissed. The kind of pissed that surprises you b/c it's really not that big of deal. Only, I was so pissed b/c this pain reminded me of the kind of pain that I am feeling everyday. The pain that forces you to self-injure, to be a workaholic, to drink (which is actually the control that the abuser has over you, acting out). So I got pissed. I associated this pain with my abuser ruining my workout. I was like, you bitch...couldn't even give me the satisfaction of completing an awesome workout. So I cried. I screamed. GO AWAY. And I cried some more. And then...I laughed. I know, what the hell is going on, right?
I see this as my way of releasing all of that pent-up anger and sadness that I have been holding in, especially throughout the last week. So really, this pain wasn't ruining my workout. It was helping me move on. To take the next step. So I took the next necessary step. I ran a victory lap. Go me!
So I stopped and walked a half a lap. While walking and attempting to breath (cuz the incredible pain would not go away), I started getting really pissed. The kind of pissed that surprises you b/c it's really not that big of deal. Only, I was so pissed b/c this pain reminded me of the kind of pain that I am feeling everyday. The pain that forces you to self-injure, to be a workaholic, to drink (which is actually the control that the abuser has over you, acting out). So I got pissed. I associated this pain with my abuser ruining my workout. I was like, you bitch...couldn't even give me the satisfaction of completing an awesome workout. So I cried. I screamed. GO AWAY. And I cried some more. And then...I laughed. I know, what the hell is going on, right?
I see this as my way of releasing all of that pent-up anger and sadness that I have been holding in, especially throughout the last week. So really, this pain wasn't ruining my workout. It was helping me move on. To take the next step. So I took the next necessary step. I ran a victory lap. Go me!
The philosophy of healing...
Wow. I just had an amazing workout full of symbolism. Holy crap. Today I woke up and decided to snap out of my crappy mood. So I did. Slowly and surely. I ate healthy all day and then decided to do my favorite workout, which happens to be the most difficult. I do like a challenge. (you just witnessed me finding a part of myself...I like a challenge. I do. That's me. My name's Alisha and I like a challenge). ha. Anyway...this particular workout consists of both running and plyometrics (a type of exercise using explosive movements to develop muscular power, esp. bounding, hopping, and jumping, according to webster).
While I was doing the plyometrics, which builds strength in your muscles, I realized how similar this exercise is to healing. Plyos require you to focus on technique, not speed. It's more important that you complete each exercise correctly than it is to finish it fast. This requires you to focus. Now how does this relate to healing? Well, healing is certainly not about speed. Good lord, if it was everyone would do it. It is a long grueling process that requires you to focus. Pay attention to your mind and body. What is it telling you?
Plyos also require balance, which happens to be a necessity for life as well. I have stated before that finding balance in your life is key. If you work hard, play hard. That's my moto. (I know I know, saying it and doing it are 2 different things...I'm workin' on it!).
In addition to balance, focus, and technique (rather than speed), BREATHING is required. Not just breathing, but focusing on breathing. Plyos, if you do them correctly, can be one of the hardest training programs. Funny, healing is the same way. It is harder to heal. Harder to commit to healing than it is to push it away, to take the easy or fast way out.
While I was running, I was thinking about how plyos build strength. The strongest and best athletes do plyos. Healing, too, builds strength. In addition, a team full of athletes who have strength training is likely to be the better team. A world full of survivors who have trained to heal, breaks the cycle and elicits change. There is strength in numbers. But numbers alone won't do it. A team full of the best athletes is not necessarily the best team. Other 'weaker' teams, who are more united, who work together to reach a common goal, are more likely to come out on top. That's because they're on the same page. They don't judge. They encourage each other. Support each other. Unity. There is strength in unity. Imagine, a world full of strong survivors who use their common ground to unite and fight the system...huh, what a concept.
I'm beginning to find what works for me. I cannot imagine what life would be like if I never started playing sports as a little girl. Actually, it's funny to think about how the meaning of sports in my life has changed as I've grown. Initially it was a way for me, a young incredibly angry child, to release steam, anger, frustration. It was a constructive way to release the feelings that I could not verbalize as a child. Today, in addition to releasing my anger through working out, I am able to use the philosphy of sport as an analogy to the healing process; which, in turn, assists me in my healing process.
It's funny, this feeling. Knowing that I'm chuggin' along on this rollercoaster that just happens to be on an incline at the moment. Last week I was falling, falling fast, with no clear sign of an upside. Today, I'm climbing back up. I think I can, I think I can. Hopefully, as I continue on this rollercoaster ride, the hills will get smaller and smaller. Eventually, there may be no hills. Only small bumps. I can handle small bumps. Ahhhh, I can see it coming!
: )
While I was doing the plyometrics, which builds strength in your muscles, I realized how similar this exercise is to healing. Plyos require you to focus on technique, not speed. It's more important that you complete each exercise correctly than it is to finish it fast. This requires you to focus. Now how does this relate to healing? Well, healing is certainly not about speed. Good lord, if it was everyone would do it. It is a long grueling process that requires you to focus. Pay attention to your mind and body. What is it telling you?
Plyos also require balance, which happens to be a necessity for life as well. I have stated before that finding balance in your life is key. If you work hard, play hard. That's my moto. (I know I know, saying it and doing it are 2 different things...I'm workin' on it!).
In addition to balance, focus, and technique (rather than speed), BREATHING is required. Not just breathing, but focusing on breathing. Plyos, if you do them correctly, can be one of the hardest training programs. Funny, healing is the same way. It is harder to heal. Harder to commit to healing than it is to push it away, to take the easy or fast way out.
While I was running, I was thinking about how plyos build strength. The strongest and best athletes do plyos. Healing, too, builds strength. In addition, a team full of athletes who have strength training is likely to be the better team. A world full of survivors who have trained to heal, breaks the cycle and elicits change. There is strength in numbers. But numbers alone won't do it. A team full of the best athletes is not necessarily the best team. Other 'weaker' teams, who are more united, who work together to reach a common goal, are more likely to come out on top. That's because they're on the same page. They don't judge. They encourage each other. Support each other. Unity. There is strength in unity. Imagine, a world full of strong survivors who use their common ground to unite and fight the system...huh, what a concept.
I'm beginning to find what works for me. I cannot imagine what life would be like if I never started playing sports as a little girl. Actually, it's funny to think about how the meaning of sports in my life has changed as I've grown. Initially it was a way for me, a young incredibly angry child, to release steam, anger, frustration. It was a constructive way to release the feelings that I could not verbalize as a child. Today, in addition to releasing my anger through working out, I am able to use the philosphy of sport as an analogy to the healing process; which, in turn, assists me in my healing process.
It's funny, this feeling. Knowing that I'm chuggin' along on this rollercoaster that just happens to be on an incline at the moment. Last week I was falling, falling fast, with no clear sign of an upside. Today, I'm climbing back up. I think I can, I think I can. Hopefully, as I continue on this rollercoaster ride, the hills will get smaller and smaller. Eventually, there may be no hills. Only small bumps. I can handle small bumps. Ahhhh, I can see it coming!
: )
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Control This...!@#$
Alright, so I feel a bit better today. I still took the weekend to be spinning in this never ending cycle of pain, beating myself up for still being single, eating crappy, drinking alcohol, and avoiding people. HOWEVER, I've realized some things. In my last post I mentioned that I may just be replacing one addiction with another by trying to be healthy. I feel like that is all I am doing. However, I realize now that being healthy, forcing myself to be healthy, is not the only answer to living a fulfilling life. That is just one aspect that I need to fix. Therefore, I'm not replacing one addiction with another. By being active and healthy, I am opening up the opportunity to heal mentally. You cannot heal mentally as a workaholic, but you can as a health "freak" (and I say freak lightheartedly, it's not really freakish). The next step is to deal with all of these emotions that are resurfacing. How?
I don't know how yet. But after speaking with my mom, I realize that it is important to remain positive. Recognizing that this REALLY shitty thing happened to you is the first step. Then KNOWING that it does not have to control you is the next. Ironically, you have control over whether or not it controls your life. Knowing that when you feel crappy, when you feel like drinking, when you feel like withdrawing, those are all ways that the abuse is controlling you. Stop it. NOW. DO NOT let it control your life.
Make something positive out of it. My mom, who is also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (I got her permission to say this, GO Mom for speaking out!!), said that you can make something positive out of a bad experience. She proceeded to remind me of all the ways I have been working to make something positive come out of this. And I was like, oh yah, I have done that. Recognize the control you do have. Use that control for your benefit. Check yourself. Constantly check yourself to make sure that what you are doing is benefitting you.
I've noticed that I am defining my progress with healing by my lack of a boyfriend. I somehow think that if I had a boyfriend or was able to start a relationship, then that means I have healed. But it doesn't. It's deeper than that. I haven't had a boyfriend in 3 years, I'm too afraid to go there. (for all of those guys who think that I turned you down because I have issues, you're wrong. I turned you down because I'm not interested...good lord). I've noticed that I have two types of guys hitting on me. Neither one being my interest. They're either egotistical assholes who are preying on girls for a piece of ass or pushy guys who get pissed and never talk to me again when I reject them. Or if they do talk to me again, they are very childish b/c they have suffered the ultimate blow to a male's ego, rejection. In fact, I had this one loser guy call me last night and leave me what sounded like a drunken message (at 730pm). I think he may have been attemtping to repair his ego. Only he just validated my perception of him.
Anyway, I'm on a tangent. My point is that you should not depend on the presence or absence of a man in your life for validation. I learned from Angela Shelton that you may only see the assholes when you are still suffering from your abuse. Therefore, only the assholes hit on you and you only end up dating assholes. I have hope that the really good guys, the guys that I know will catch my interest, are out there, I just haven't been seeing them. I'll let you know when I figure out how the hell to see them. (Maybe when you work on healing yourself and are happy with yourself, they will appear. I bet it's magic)
My points are all kind of jumbled today. That is a result of a week of confusion and spinning. However, my main point, and the most important, is to recognize your need to control your life. Use it contructively. Don't control your life through work, alcohol, self-mutilation. Control your life through living healthy. Control your life by committing to ending your self-abuse. You may have to replace your worst addiction (workaholic) with another addiction (committing yourself to healing). Just make sure that the new addiction you develop is the addiction to heal. To live. To love. To laugh. They're much more fun.
oh, and if you're having trouble calling the new, positive, controlling habit an addiction, then call it a commitment. A bind. An agreement. Whatever you wish. Just do it.
:)
I don't know how yet. But after speaking with my mom, I realize that it is important to remain positive. Recognizing that this REALLY shitty thing happened to you is the first step. Then KNOWING that it does not have to control you is the next. Ironically, you have control over whether or not it controls your life. Knowing that when you feel crappy, when you feel like drinking, when you feel like withdrawing, those are all ways that the abuse is controlling you. Stop it. NOW. DO NOT let it control your life.
Make something positive out of it. My mom, who is also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (I got her permission to say this, GO Mom for speaking out!!), said that you can make something positive out of a bad experience. She proceeded to remind me of all the ways I have been working to make something positive come out of this. And I was like, oh yah, I have done that. Recognize the control you do have. Use that control for your benefit. Check yourself. Constantly check yourself to make sure that what you are doing is benefitting you.
I've noticed that I am defining my progress with healing by my lack of a boyfriend. I somehow think that if I had a boyfriend or was able to start a relationship, then that means I have healed. But it doesn't. It's deeper than that. I haven't had a boyfriend in 3 years, I'm too afraid to go there. (for all of those guys who think that I turned you down because I have issues, you're wrong. I turned you down because I'm not interested...good lord). I've noticed that I have two types of guys hitting on me. Neither one being my interest. They're either egotistical assholes who are preying on girls for a piece of ass or pushy guys who get pissed and never talk to me again when I reject them. Or if they do talk to me again, they are very childish b/c they have suffered the ultimate blow to a male's ego, rejection. In fact, I had this one loser guy call me last night and leave me what sounded like a drunken message (at 730pm). I think he may have been attemtping to repair his ego. Only he just validated my perception of him.
Anyway, I'm on a tangent. My point is that you should not depend on the presence or absence of a man in your life for validation. I learned from Angela Shelton that you may only see the assholes when you are still suffering from your abuse. Therefore, only the assholes hit on you and you only end up dating assholes. I have hope that the really good guys, the guys that I know will catch my interest, are out there, I just haven't been seeing them. I'll let you know when I figure out how the hell to see them. (Maybe when you work on healing yourself and are happy with yourself, they will appear. I bet it's magic)
My points are all kind of jumbled today. That is a result of a week of confusion and spinning. However, my main point, and the most important, is to recognize your need to control your life. Use it contructively. Don't control your life through work, alcohol, self-mutilation. Control your life through living healthy. Control your life by committing to ending your self-abuse. You may have to replace your worst addiction (workaholic) with another addiction (committing yourself to healing). Just make sure that the new addiction you develop is the addiction to heal. To live. To love. To laugh. They're much more fun.
oh, and if you're having trouble calling the new, positive, controlling habit an addiction, then call it a commitment. A bind. An agreement. Whatever you wish. Just do it.
:)
Saturday, June 10, 2006
From workaholic to health freak...
So I've been thinking. I had my life pretty much under control before the beginning of may. It may not have been the best way to live but at least I didn't feel like this everyday. By being a workaholic I was able to keep myself from feeling like this and I was still social. Since may, I have withdrawn myself from people. I've tried, so hard, to do the things everyone recommends. The working out. The eating healthy. The taking time out for yourself. I've done it all. But now all I have is a whole lot of emotions surfacing. What do I do with them? I don't want to go from being a workaholic to being a health freak. I feel like that just replaces one addiction with another. I'm stuck. I'm trying to keep a positive outlook...I know it will get better. The problem is, figuring out how to make it better. :(
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Sad
Current mood: sad : (
I missed a few days of working out while I was home and ooohhh boy did it catch up with me. I wanted to crawl in a hole and scream and cry when I tried getting back into yesterday. It hurt. A lot. Today was a bit better. While I was running I realized that I can relate working out to the healing process yet again. I took a few days off. Fell back into the terrible self-abusing cycle, I fell hard. Yesterday and today was like starting all over again. Attempting to pick up steam. Rebuild. Only now I'm much sadder and weaker than ever before.
It's said that if you take one day off from working out you lose a week of training and have to start over. I think taking one day of from healing is like losing a frickin year. I feel like shit.
I feel like withdrawing and crying at every single point of the day. I decided to call the martial arts people to see about some self-defense courses. Maybe they'll help me with my confidence. I also need to release some serious friggin anger. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I missed a few days of working out while I was home and ooohhh boy did it catch up with me. I wanted to crawl in a hole and scream and cry when I tried getting back into yesterday. It hurt. A lot. Today was a bit better. While I was running I realized that I can relate working out to the healing process yet again. I took a few days off. Fell back into the terrible self-abusing cycle, I fell hard. Yesterday and today was like starting all over again. Attempting to pick up steam. Rebuild. Only now I'm much sadder and weaker than ever before.
It's said that if you take one day off from working out you lose a week of training and have to start over. I think taking one day of from healing is like losing a frickin year. I feel like shit.
I feel like withdrawing and crying at every single point of the day. I decided to call the martial arts people to see about some self-defense courses. Maybe they'll help me with my confidence. I also need to release some serious friggin anger. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Breathe in...Breath out...
Breathe.
I spent the weekend at home with mom and the rest of the fam. I was sooo looking forward to going home. It just wasn't enough time to visit. I haven't been able to spend time with mom since I've had this healing kick. It's rough. I need her to know I'm not okay (she knows). But I just need to talk. The whole time I was visiting I was hoping to find the opportunity to discuss my fears and my worries. Not possible when you're only home for two full days.
Now that I am spending time on myself, I have less time to work. Less work means less money. Less money means added stress. Added stress means less time to focus on healing. Less time to focus on healing means falling back into the perpetual cycle. It's a daunting reality.
Nauseous. I was nauseous the entire time I was visiting. Sick. Tired. Tense. Anticipating losing control. Revealing my emotions. Crying.
Eventually, the night before I left to come back to Brockport, I lost it. I cried. A lot. I cried because I need to share this time of healing with my family. Yet I can't do so when I am never home. I have not been able to visit for more than 2-3 days at a time in over 6 months. That's enough time to say, hey what's new, how've you been, what's next? It takes time to get into details, and that I didn't have.
I had to wear my sunglasses on the drive home because my head was pounding. The smallest bit of light was enough to send shooting pains through my head. I felt like I had a sinus infection with all of the pressure in my head. You can't exactly release the pressure, lose it and cry while you're on a 4 hour drive. So I did what I've always been good at, I held it in.
I'm sad. I want my mom. Which reminds me of another issue I have....the pressure of trying to protect family (my mom) from the pain of watching me hurt. I've always been very protective of my mom, knowing it kills her to see me in pain. So I avoid discussing my issues related to the sexual abuse. I can't do it anymore. I can't avoid it. BUT, I don't want to see her hurt. It's hard. She's been through a lot of shit too. I don't know how much more she can take.
Silence. Silence breads frustration. Frustration. Frustration increases tension. Tension. Tension. Tension. Tension. Tension forces the eventually release. Release of every emotion. Emotion. Emotions suddenly pouring out. Suddenly. Suddenly a loss of control. Loss of control leads to fear of sharing emotions, of feeling emotions. Fear of sharing and feeling emotions. Fear of sharing and feeling emotions forces you into silence. Silence. And silence breads frustration...
Breathe.
I spent the weekend at home with mom and the rest of the fam. I was sooo looking forward to going home. It just wasn't enough time to visit. I haven't been able to spend time with mom since I've had this healing kick. It's rough. I need her to know I'm not okay (she knows). But I just need to talk. The whole time I was visiting I was hoping to find the opportunity to discuss my fears and my worries. Not possible when you're only home for two full days.
Now that I am spending time on myself, I have less time to work. Less work means less money. Less money means added stress. Added stress means less time to focus on healing. Less time to focus on healing means falling back into the perpetual cycle. It's a daunting reality.
Nauseous. I was nauseous the entire time I was visiting. Sick. Tired. Tense. Anticipating losing control. Revealing my emotions. Crying.
Eventually, the night before I left to come back to Brockport, I lost it. I cried. A lot. I cried because I need to share this time of healing with my family. Yet I can't do so when I am never home. I have not been able to visit for more than 2-3 days at a time in over 6 months. That's enough time to say, hey what's new, how've you been, what's next? It takes time to get into details, and that I didn't have.
I had to wear my sunglasses on the drive home because my head was pounding. The smallest bit of light was enough to send shooting pains through my head. I felt like I had a sinus infection with all of the pressure in my head. You can't exactly release the pressure, lose it and cry while you're on a 4 hour drive. So I did what I've always been good at, I held it in.
I'm sad. I want my mom. Which reminds me of another issue I have....the pressure of trying to protect family (my mom) from the pain of watching me hurt. I've always been very protective of my mom, knowing it kills her to see me in pain. So I avoid discussing my issues related to the sexual abuse. I can't do it anymore. I can't avoid it. BUT, I don't want to see her hurt. It's hard. She's been through a lot of shit too. I don't know how much more she can take.
Silence. Silence breads frustration. Frustration. Frustration increases tension. Tension. Tension. Tension. Tension. Tension forces the eventually release. Release of every emotion. Emotion. Emotions suddenly pouring out. Suddenly. Suddenly a loss of control. Loss of control leads to fear of sharing emotions, of feeling emotions. Fear of sharing and feeling emotions. Fear of sharing and feeling emotions forces you into silence. Silence. And silence breads frustration...
Breathe.
Blah...
It's too late to really get into the issues I have had over the past few days. I'll try it tomorrow. I'm tired. Sad. Worn out. Desparate. Running out of steam. Sad....Really sad. I cried a lot over the past day. I miss mom. I miss my voice. I wish I knew how to deal. I'll explain tomorrow. Right now I need sleep.
Friday, June 02, 2006
Recognizing the things you love...
So today, I was packing and getting ready to travel to Mom's house for the weekend. While doing so, I was enjoying some celery and peanut butter. Mmmm. Thinking to myself...I looooove peanut butter. And then I had a moment. haha. I just said, I looooove peanut butter. And I realized that I am learning something about myself. I'm finding myself. One small thing at a time.
Then, less than a half hour later, while I was listening to KT's album, I realized something else about myself. I loooooove singing. haha. Even though some may be in tears, in pain when I sing. I love it. I love when musicians share their soul and allow me to share it with them. I love belting out songs in my car when I'm by myself (note: when I'm by myself). lol.
When I noticed both of these things that I love today, I realized that I am finding myself. Recognizing myself. Defining who I am.
So far, I'm a young woman who loves peanut butter and who pretends she is an unbelievable musician, with soul. I can't wait to find out what else I reeeaaaallllly love to do.
Who are you? What makes you happy?
ps: I'm traveling to see mom for the weekend : -). I'll write later.
Then, less than a half hour later, while I was listening to KT's album, I realized something else about myself. I loooooove singing. haha. Even though some may be in tears, in pain when I sing. I love it. I love when musicians share their soul and allow me to share it with them. I love belting out songs in my car when I'm by myself (note: when I'm by myself). lol.
When I noticed both of these things that I love today, I realized that I am finding myself. Recognizing myself. Defining who I am.
So far, I'm a young woman who loves peanut butter and who pretends she is an unbelievable musician, with soul. I can't wait to find out what else I reeeaaaallllly love to do.
Who are you? What makes you happy?
ps: I'm traveling to see mom for the weekend : -). I'll write later.
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