Sober or blacking out??

I recently decided to slow down my drinking habits. I've recognized that it is a bit out of control. I'm not an alcoholic, I don't drink all day everday. I don't need alcohol to deal with everyday life. But I do need alcohol to get me through a night of socializing. I wasn't a big drinker until about a year and a half ago. I went from barely drinking to drinking to the point of blacking out. Funny that it took me almost two years to realize this is abnormal. Good lord Alisha!

The last time I blacked out was about 2 weeks ago. I woke up, went through the usual routine of asking everyone what happened the night before, concluding that "we must have had fun." It's odd that my reasoning for not drinking before a year and a half ago was because I lived in fear of being sexually assaulted. I hate the loss of control that comes with alcohol. Oddly enough, I went from fearing a loss of control to being out of control, often embarassing myself while being intoxicated.

Two weeks ago, after the routine of finding out the nights events, I made a commitment to end the non-sense. Why the hell was I doing this to myself? How stupid could I be? I was viewing a night of socializing through a dichotomous lens. I either was sober and in total control or wasted and out of control. The thought of casual drinking and staying in control never occurred.

I set on a journey to understand my logic. I should mention that by 'blacking out' I don't mean totally off my face falling all over on the streets and puking. I just would wake up and not remember certain conversations or actions I had taken.

Last night, I set out on my journey of casual drinking. It didn't take long for me to realize why I don't casually drink. I am 100% insecure. Holy crap. I felt like every person in the place was staring at me, not because they were interested, but because they were thinking...'that girl has a gut, her ass is huge, check out her thunderthighs, man her arms are flabby...'

You get the point.

I realized that while being drunk, I don't have to deal with all of these insecurities. I'm not afraid to have conversations. I'm not constantly analyzing how I look. I don't feel like everyone is criticizing me. I'm just having a crazy time.

So what do I do...not go out? Stop drinking? Or do I deal with my insecurities and casually drink on occasion?

Obviously the latter is the ideal way to go. But how. How do I deal with my insecurities? It doesn't help that while you're sober you're listening in on men's conversations. Conversations that always involve a complete analysis of the way women look. Perhaps even worse are the conversations by women who also critically analyze the way women look. Get over it people. We can't all look anorexic. I'd love to say that to the critics, but I don't.

Clearly I need to work on my insecurities and I would advise myself to stop drinking while doing so. But I'm at an age where drinking is a time to socialize. So how do I balance it? I can't deal with going out and feeling like everyone's staring. I hate it.

We'll see how I handle this one.