Breathe in...Breath out...

Breathe.
I spent the weekend at home with mom and the rest of the fam. I was sooo looking forward to going home. It just wasn't enough time to visit. I haven't been able to spend time with mom since I've had this healing kick. It's rough. I need her to know I'm not okay (she knows). But I just need to talk. The whole time I was visiting I was hoping to find the opportunity to discuss my fears and my worries. Not possible when you're only home for two full days.

Now that I am spending time on myself, I have less time to work. Less work means less money. Less money means added stress. Added stress means less time to focus on healing. Less time to focus on healing means falling back into the perpetual cycle. It's a daunting reality.

Nauseous. I was nauseous the entire time I was visiting. Sick. Tired. Tense. Anticipating losing control. Revealing my emotions. Crying.

Eventually, the night before I left to come back to Brockport, I lost it. I cried. A lot. I cried because I need to share this time of healing with my family. Yet I can't do so when I am never home. I have not been able to visit for more than 2-3 days at a time in over 6 months. That's enough time to say, hey what's new, how've you been, what's next? It takes time to get into details, and that I didn't have.

I had to wear my sunglasses on the drive home because my head was pounding. The smallest bit of light was enough to send shooting pains through my head. I felt like I had a sinus infection with all of the pressure in my head. You can't exactly release the pressure, lose it and cry while you're on a 4 hour drive. So I did what I've always been good at, I held it in.

I'm sad. I want my mom. Which reminds me of another issue I have....the pressure of trying to protect family (my mom) from the pain of watching me hurt. I've always been very protective of my mom, knowing it kills her to see me in pain. So I avoid discussing my issues related to the sexual abuse. I can't do it anymore. I can't avoid it. BUT, I don't want to see her hurt. It's hard. She's been through a lot of shit too. I don't know how much more she can take.

Silence. Silence breads frustration. Frustration. Frustration increases tension. Tension. Tension. Tension. Tension. Tension forces the eventually release. Release of every emotion. Emotion. Emotions suddenly pouring out. Suddenly. Suddenly a loss of control. Loss of control leads to fear of sharing emotions, of feeling emotions. Fear of sharing and feeling emotions. Fear of sharing and feeling emotions forces you into silence. Silence. And silence breads frustration...

Breathe.