Ahhh, the women's building. A breath of fresh air. While in california I visited The Women's Building in San Francisco. The entire building was painted with images of beautiful women from all cultures. It was amazing.
Anyway, today I need to complain about dating. I've struggled with this issue for many years. My last boyfriend was also my best friend. We had known each other since we were 5. 3 years ago we broke up, ending my love life as we know it. At first, I was completely NOT interested in dating anyone. In fact, I recognized that I needed to spend some time working on myself. So I headed to NYC for a summer to stir up my life a bit. I needed to see what this world is all about.
I'd say it was at least a year and a half or so before I even thought about dating again. I started longing for a significant other. But you're not supposed to look for em right? So instead I occupied my time, all of my time doing work. Busy busy busy. I have no time to date...right? Nah, that's just what I tell people.
Now, I'm in a situation that is actually pissing me off. A lot. A couple friends of mine are trying to set me up with their friend. I've met this guy before when we were all out for a night. I wasn't interested. (not being interested is allowed, right?). Now I'm feeling the pressure because these people are taking it upon themselves to analyze me. Yah, me. Saying I'm closed off and I'm too busy for a reason, the reason being to avoid dating. Okay, so that's true to an extent. However, there's a difference between closing myself off because I'm afraid and closing myself off because I'm not interested. These people are using my issues to pressure me into dating this guy. I don't like the control they have over the situation. If they wanted me to just hang out with everyone and get to know him, I would have been fine with that. But no, it had to be turned into a date. A big thing that everyone talks about. One of them had the nerve to tell me that another girl was uncomfortable hanging with the three of them last night b/c "he's my man" (and she was serious). Fuck that shit. We hung out as a group one night, I might have said two words to him. He's not my man. We're not dating. I'm not interested. If I was interested, I would have made more of an effort that first night.
Alright, so am I over reacting? Who knows? All I know is, I'm not interested in this guy. He's not a bad guy. Just not my type. So why should I be pressured into a date that is going no where? Let me deal with my own issues people. You analyzing me and telling me how you think I should begin dating is not going to help. (I'm talking to these people...not the people who read my blog...I love the advice from my blog readers, you understand me, they don't)
The moral of the story is...even though I am afraid to start dating, I know when I'm attracted to somebody. Whether or not I pursue something with my interest is the issue. My issue is not dating anybody and everybody. I don't want to. Good lord, leave me alone.
Does anyone else have dating issues? I'm sure you do, b/c that is another part of surviving. But I'm lost. Let's chat.
10 comments:
I say... go out with him. Make a new friend. Meet his friends. Maybe in his little circle of friends is Mr Wonderful.
Ok... thats pushing it. Tell your friends NO! Put your foot down. I dont get why people have to be so damn nosey. Tell them only YOU can decide when you want to go out and with who. If you have to, walk away from them while they are in the middle of conversation about it. It is none of their business. Get tough if you have to. Its the only way you will get your point across.
Its part of learning how to set our boundaries and still being respected in the morning.
You go Warrior Alisha!
Oh man, I have so many comments I could say to this. I have to address your comments first danielle. They actually made me a little upset. I don't know what feminists you were talking to but those kinds of 'feminists' don't exist in my life. That's a stereotype. And yes, some feminists meet the stereotype...but so do ppl who abuse welfare and who are lazy (obviously not the case for most...it's a bad stereotype). The feminists I know, LOVE men. They appreciate men. We believe that men are very important in our lives. Feminists argue against violence against women. They urge women to end those kinds of relationships. But never do they degrad women who are in healthy relationships with men. We believe women should be fully present making equal contributions in relationships.
I'm sorry that you had a bad experience with so called feminists. I personally believe they are not really feminists. They may say they are. But that may be the case only because they fall for the stereotype and their beliefs match it.
I'm a feminist. I'm proud. The strongest women I know are feminsts. Some of refuse to call themselves feminists b/c of the stereotypes...but I know they are. There is no one kind of feminist. Please remember that stereotypes are created to control groups of people. They suck. I hate them. Now you know a feminist, me, who does not meet that stereotype. I hope you meet many more.
In regards to your comment about not being in a emotional state to date men...if I never dated men when I was in my healing process...I would never date. I've learned from many survivors that this is an issue I will deal with for the rest of my. That, however, does not have to be a bad thing. It's about finding balance and learning how to deal during the bad times.
I can date...I'm ready. I just want to have a choice in the matter. I want to set my boundaries (as Franki has stated so eloquently).
I'm going to have to return to this conversation...It's obviously a hot topic, and something we all need to work through.
ps...jess, I have lots to say about the emotional distance we keep from people. Within the next couple days I will be diving further into my issues in hopes that we can all share more...and work through it together!
Take Care.
Be Strong.
And yes franki, we are all warriors!!
Okay, now I know you probably won't want to do this (I'm even a little hesitant to admit it), but I met my significant other (*big pause*) on Match, the dating website. LOL! Only verrrrry few people know this, but I feel safe telling you because it's not like you're going to go and slip the word to anyone else. :) I wasn't desperate or anything, just sort of curious about what those sites were like so I signed up out of pure curiosity. I met/went on dates with a couple different guys I met through the site (a psych phd student at my school [UC Berk]; a young high school drama teacher; a banker...). When I read my guy's profile he sparked my interest. We started chatting on AIM (a lot) and before our first date I felt like I already knew him pretty well and so I felt really comfortable. We clicked and it was great. That was 3 years ago and it turns out my fluke decision to join the site I met him on was the best decision of my life so far! (Gosh, this sounds cheesy!)
Now, I'm not sure how many quality guys are on those dating sites, but there are at least a few. For example, a friend of mine who's a med student at Stanford and a really sweet guy prefers using those sites, not only because he's somewhat shy (despite having tons of talents and qualities to be confident with), but because when you go out and meet people, it can be really difficult to know what exactly others are looking for (dating? a relationship? etc.) and he likes the security of knowing he's meeting people with similar intentions.
It sounds like a desperate thing to do, but I think it's becoming viewed as more and more acceptable... Not that I'm ready to come out with my little secret. Haha! =P
Austin your brother says,
this danielle girl should mind her own business and not let her personal problems effect other people. Grow up and act like a women danielle.
Date When you want to and never fold to the pressure of friends. Because their is no such thing as true friends. It is hard to find that one person who will stick with you at all times. Live your life because its yours! you shouldnt date anyways because when has dating really did any good for someone besides broken hearts at the end. Scope out your partner without letting him know and this is a alternative way which necessarily isnt bad because you can find out this persons habbits and put them together. which then you can contact and say hey, by the way, would you like to do blah blah blah.
7u.8lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll,
The cat just wrote you a message with her paws, isnt it lovely. By the way we have 2 kittens. So stay strong and dont be afraid of dating who you are interested in only. Hell let them aproach you for a change. If you like a guy go for it. danielle should try to approach in a more volatile manner. This is your brother, love ya
Good story Kristen. Just so you know, my brother and father both met their current wives online. I'm not a fan of my father's wife but I love my brother's wife.
BUT I'm afraid of the horrors of online dating. We'll see if I decide to experiment someday. haha.
Congrats on finding a great guy!
lol, oh man. I have so many directions I could take with this feminist issue. Just so you know...I didn't mean to say that your experience wasn't real. I said the 'feminists' you encountered are not real feminists in my mind.
I've studied feminism for the last three years and in my mind I am a strong, independent woman because of my studies and my mother (who's feminist but doesn't know it)
Strong and independent does not mean 'without men'. You can be a strong independent woman who is in a happy healthy loving relationship with a man. All of my professors are in loving relationships and have great families. They wouldn't change that for the world.
I myself, a feminist, plan to have a loving relationship, with a man, and have children. I also plan to have a career. I can do both. But my man will also have a career and contribute equally to the family. It's about balance. That is what feminists argue. Women should have the choice to stay at home, have a career, or do both. And men should have those same options. Without pressure.
I recommend further readings. I'll work on a book list.
Just so you know, I'll never stop being a feminist, so if you personally think feminism and dating is a binary reality, I guess I'll never date. But that is not what feminists think. So I will date, eventually marry, and have children.
ps. The men in my fellow feminists lives are very supportive in their views. Some call themselves feminists and others don't. But the reality is that they are very supportive.
Don't worry danielle. You didn't rock the boat. Just helping me become further grounded in what I believe.
I'll have to check out that book someday. It'll probably piss me off because women like her are the reason feminists like me have to catch all the shit against feminists.
I just finished having a discussion with my mentor in the women's studies department about all of this. I'll write about it later. She also gave me a list of books to start off with. I'll post em with my next blog.
Conversations like these are necessary to work through the stereotypes. It's very possible that you may have the same views as me (i don't know what your views are, just bringing this up) only you may not call yourself a feminist. Women's Studies is waaaaay more complex than most people realize. There are tons and tons of different theories. It's just like any other discipline in the social sciences. Not all scientists agree with each other.
But like I said. These conversations need to be had. I hope I didn't offend you.
You're right, we have many of the same beliefs but I call it feminism and you call it humanitarianism. Do you know that there are humanitarian feminist theorists?
I can't even describe the number of theories that have developed out of the women's movement. Yes, the second wave has different views than the third wave. They're much more complex now adays. That's why it's hard to study the second wave and assume that is what feminists believe. A lot of the discourse was radical prior to the third wave. Just think, if it wasn't radical, the notion of women having careers wouldn't have been discussed. We'd still be pressured to marry and stay home (nothing wrong with marrying and staying home, as long as that is 100% your chioce). You said yourself that the notion of choice is more of a 3rd wave theory. True, that is what has developed. That is what I follow. Do you read a lot of writers from the 3rd wave (besides the one's that still hold radical views, like hirschman)
In our women's studies programs, we read about the 3 waves of feminism. We note how they've changed. We consider each author's position. Why would they write the way they do? Everyone has a position that needs to be considered.
Now, as you noticed, there are feminists in the 2nd and 3rd waves that don't agree. Rebecca Walker has received a ton of slack. (she did co-found the 3rd wave foundation by the way, which still exists). The differences between the waves are too complex to discuss here, but it's important to remember that these differences are talked about and worked through and it advances feminism.
Each individual has a standpoint, a position. I'm a white agnostic woman. I experience life differently than a black christian woman/man. Our experiences effect who we are and how we interpret the various aspects of the world. Therefore, I think it is important to not just criticize what women in the past have written, but to turn it around and try to argue their point, understand their point (doesn't mean you have to agree....but it's interesting to try to understand).
My point is that we all experience life differently, so just because one may not experience life the way that a lot of other people do, i.e. the pressure to be thin, doesn't mean the experience isn't real. I as well as a ton of my friends felt that pressure, so much so that eating was and still is a huge issue. I just finished reading that chapter in Reviving Ophelia...I could relate so much what Pipher said that I plan to write a blog about it.
Essentially what I'm saying is that feminism is soooooo complex. There are so many different theories, that it is hard to criticize it as a whole. I tend to follow standpoint theory and humanitarian theory. Of the books you just commented about, some are radical theories, some are 3rd wave theories.
I'm a feminist because I study the women's studies discipline. I've developed my own theories and I respect the theories I disagree with. I respect them because the author is a human being and I understand that they take that position for one reason or another. I respect your thoughts because there is a reason you take that position.
I have additional books that I recommend. Three of them are MALE FEMINISTS. I know, what a radical notion. They're great. If you haven't read them already, you should consider.
I'm interested in hearing more about the feminists you speak of.
Books to read:
Female Chauvinist Pics-by Ariel Levy
Feminism is for Everybody-by bell hooks
The Macho Paradox: Why some men hurt women and what men can do to help- by Jackson Katz
The Gender Knot- by Johnson
The Gendered Society- by Michael Kimmel
The following is a book covering the history of the second wave...I haven't read it yet but heard it covered it well
In our time: Memoir of a revolution- by Susan Brownmiller
I spelled Pics instead of Pigs. It's female chauvinist Pigs.
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