I recently spoke with my women's studies mentor about the issues I have had with this dating situation. She made me realize a ton of things. First, and most importantly, she said that it took her a long time to learn that friendships have different levels. You have acquaintances, friends you like to hang out with, close friends, and intimate friends (the friends you can count on always). I realized that these friends who were pressuring me into dating a guy I had no interest in and then telling me it's b/c I have issues and it's no big deal, are the friends that I like to hang out with. They're not my real friends. However, I no longer am interested in hanging out with them. If they can't respect my decision and leave the analysis of my emotional state up to me, then I'd rather spend my time with closer friends.
I've realized by talking with many different women, strong women, that this pressure to date men, men we may not be interested in, is unfair. Why do I have to date a guy that I'm not interested in just b/c he has taken a liking to me? I feel like women or at least some women are expected to do so. If they don't then they receive all of the shit from people. It must mean somethings wrong with me...why the hell else wouldn't I date any dude who was interested? Oh I know, I AM NOT interested. Huh. What a concept?
Don't pathologize me, don't analyze me. I'm not you. Everyone has different experiences. While they may be similar, it doesn't mean they have the same feelings about things as you.
After being sexually abuse or raped, we as survivors need to have the control over our own lives. We want it back. We need the power that was taken away from us back. So to have other people analyzing our situations or criticizing our dating decisions is more than frustrating (I've done this with other survivors, and I now feel bad for offering any advice, sorry). I'm not okay. But I'm not suffering. I'm not suicidal and I'm not self-mutilating. I've come a long way. I recognize what I need to work on. In fact, my professor and I also discussed how my abuse may have damaged my ability to have healthy, emotional relationships with other people (friends, family, significant others alike).
I'd like to work on this and I think many survivors may be able to identify with what I'm about to say. When I was being sexually abused, I did what many survivors do in order to survive; I created my own little emotional hiding place, deep inside my psyche. I went there to hide whenever I couldn't tolerate the pain of my abuse. I became sooooo good at running and hiding whenever something emotional happened, that it became habitual. Now, it is difficult for me to deal with emotions. I don't cry. I don't feel. I run and hide. Luckily, this is a habit. You can break habits. I'm working on that by talking about my issues here and by speaking more with my family and friends on sad days. I cannot even describe how good it feels to have the supportive network that I have.
Anyway, I'm beginning to realize that you really have to pay attention to your mind and body. Pay attention and allow yourself to have control of yourself. Tell people when they piss you off. They won't do it again. If they aren't comfortable with your reaction and they don't respect your decisions, then they most likely weren't close or intimate friends in the first place. I've found that time is so precious, I don't have time to waste on people who don't respect me.
I'm beginning to recognize the difference between the type of guys I am interested in and the type of guys I am not interested in. I understand that I still have many issues, such as fear of trusting a guy that is actually an asshole, fear of pressure to have sex and not being able to say no, fear of date rape, but at least I am working on them. The biggest step I've taken is actually saying no. I said no. I don't want to date this guy. I set my boundaries (thanks Franki!). I demanded respect. Hopefully, when I'm interested in a guy and I eventually date, I'll be able to set my boundaries around the sexual aspects of a relationship. Hopefully I'll say no until I am ready.
I think saying no to this guy was a huge first step :) I'm preparing myself for the next step. It really is a powerful feeling to demand respect. I've always been strong and independent, but weak and passive at the same time. To change the weaker side of me is an amazing feeling.
How exciting, I'm regaining control. One day at a time.
How does everyone feel about regaining control and demanding respect?
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5 comments:
Regaining control is one of the most important issues survivors have to face. We had no control when we were being molested, raped, abused, etc. As victims, we learn that control is not ours. We gave up control in order to survive. We survived, now we need to learn to take control... without being a control freak. It's difficult to learn where the fine line is between the two.
Demanding respect? I have never been a fan of that phrase. I do not allow anyone to DEMAND respect from me. I will treat a new person respectfully. In that sense, I give them a bit of respect. S/he gains more respect as I learn what s/he is about. S/he can lose respect for that same reason. I don't just give respect to others, and I don't expect them to just give me respect.
In the past many people who I had no respect for remained a part of my life, because I figured it was all I was worth. I know how to ditch those same people now. Life is getting better.
I am thrilled for you that you are able to stand up to your friends and tell them NO! AND do it respectfully. It shows them you have boundaries, are not going to be their little puppet, and are not going to do what you dont want to do just to please them. Guess what. You've gained more respect from each of them. (And if you didn't... well.. they aren't worth your time then anyway).
Try not to demand respect. Show them who you are, and EARN the respect. It is so much more worth it the end. DO demand to be treated respectfully. If someone cant treat you respectfully, then again, they aren't worth it.
I hope this made sense. I'm not quite awake yet.
Well said Franki. Demanding respect may be a little harsh...but I still expect it from friends. And if they aren't willing to give that, then I have plenty of other friends who I'd rather be spending my time with. Maybe that's because I've been walked on by too many people.
Rather than demanding respect, since that is touchy, I expect to be treated respectfully. Which is kinda the same thing but worded differently, but I see what you're saying.
Good for you =), women need to speak up & be heard. We need to turn up the volume so these guys will maybe hear us when we say (NO, stop it, please don't do this). In time you will learn to not be so passive & you will become more assertive. Just keep it up, you are on the right track. I have faith in you, have faith in yourself.
Thanks for the encouraging words. I'm workin on my faith!
Just keep writing & try to work on expressing your feelings. I have the same problem trying to not hide my feelings. You are a strong person Lish. Don't sell yourself short & give yourself credit when you deserve it. Take care of yourself, do nice things for yourself & be gentle with yourself. Take care.
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