I miss him. My ex. I have these days sometimes. He was a great boyfriend. But he was a high school boyfriend. You know how that goes. First love. You never forget your first love. I can't decide if I miss him...or if I miss "it." You know, the "it" that makes your knees shake and your body tingle (stop with the dirty minds people). I've never been able to be so open with another man. I trusted him. I grew up with him. How do you find that again?
I often wonder if I am longing for "it" with another man or if I am longing for "it" with myself. I've been told numerous times that you have to love yourself before you can be in love with somebody else, the true love. Not the needy love. I believe it. But I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to find myself, trying to love myself. When will it be over? When will I accept myself?
Do I miss him, "it"? Or do I miss me? Sometimes I think I can date and find the one...but how do I trust anyone enough to date? I know, I know. I need to work on myself before that will happen. I'm worn out though. I'm tired. I need a companion to help me through it. Or do I?
You see the pattern. I crave love. But from who? Me or someone else? I want to date but have no trust. Will working on myself allow me to trust? Or will having a companion help me work on myself and build trust?
Who knows! All I know is I'm lonely. Now, am I lonely because I miss my self, my soul? Or am I lonely because I miss being in love?
It goes on and on...I'll stop now...
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I miss myself. Probably because I never found myself. I've been trying to explore that lately...to see what I like and dislike. Paying attention to my mood changes. I'm figuring myself out. Slowly but surely. I still lie to myself sometimes, but hopefully I will lie less and less as I continue this journey.
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