My Constitution of Self-Awareness-8.27.06

In the name of myself, Alisha ????????, I hereby lay forth my new constitution. Out of fear of never committing to a centered, healthy well-being, I am declaring some ground rules. It is expected that each day, I adhere to these rules. Failure to commit can result in the continuance of a damaged self.

1. Each morning I awake, I shall practice yoga. Learning how center my mind, body, and spirit shall lead to a healthier lifestyle. As a beginner, it is okay to explore various techniques and videos. I commit to seeking out more information on the practice of yoga.

2. Following yoga, I shall take time to sit and eat breakfast. A healthy mind cannot work without a healthy body (and vice versa).

3. In order to feel confident in my everyday activities/work, I commit to showering and wearing comfortable clothes. I hereby swear not to wear sweats everday as doing so has historically coincided with my depression.

4. During my everday work/activities, I commit to having an open-mind, open-heart, and open eyes; being aware of my surroundings and never taking anything too personally. In addition, I commit to remaining aware of my thoughts and feelings throughout the day. In doing so, I will continue to learn more about who I am and what I love.

5. I commit to eating both lunch and dinner and having a snack when needed. In addition, I will portion my meals according to what every human needs, including carbs, meat (or something equivalent), dairy, fruit, and vegetables. Furthermore, I will eat healthy snacks in between meals; doing so will keep me from binge eating during meals. In fear of being too strict with eating habits, I shall allow myself to enjoy treats when having a healthy craving. This involves paying attention to myself, enabling myself to distinguish between a normal craving for sweets and an unhealthy craving for a bunch of shit food :)

6. I commit to working out at least 4 times a week (preferably 5). If unable to do so (due to unavoidable injuries), I commit to walking or hiking around campus for at least a 1/2 hour each day.

7. Each day, I shall finish my assigned homework without freaking out about the abundance of reading. Breath.

8. I shall go to bed at a reasonable hour, sleeping for 8 hours each night. Exceptions can be made when large projects are due (which is bound to happen).

9. I commit to taking this constitution seriously but not too seriously. This requires paying attention to myself, taking note of what I need in order to maintain a healthy, centered lifestyle.

10. Finally, I commit to exploring further various activities that I may consider a form of playtime. As of this moment, I am exploring my artistic abilities. I commit to improving those abilities and using art as a form of expressing or purging my feelings. Crochet is a new possibility. Reading books outside of my required coursework (preferably books that can be read for enjoyment...no self-help books or textbooks) shall also be considered. This commitment is subject to change according to how I feel.

I, Alisha ????????, on this day, 8.27.06, shall hereby uphold the constitution of self-awareness. I understand that amendments can be made in order to improve my well-being. Amendments can only be made after facing the truth, listening to myself, and determining that the amendment is the best way to improve my mind, body, and spirit.

~Alisha ?????????~

Self-Defense course- - False sense of security?

I've been trying to think of how to respond to everyone who has commented while I've been on sabbatical. Thank you ALL for all of your comments! I needed a minute...so I took a few, a few hundred/thousand.

Yesterday I started a class called Personal Defense for Women. I decided to take a PE course this semester, in hopes that it will keep me active and take my mind off of all the intense/heavy courses I'm taking. I'd rather take something like yoga or hiking but this is the only one that fits into my schedule. I have my reservations about self-defense courses...

I think it is impossible to predict how one might respond in a situation that forces them to defend themselves. Training people to "be prepared" for an attack places a large responsibility on that person. It is quite contradictory to preach that "if you've had a previous attack, it wasn't your fault, it was out of your control" while emphasizing that this training will help you next time. What if it doesn't help? What if you forget everything? What if you freeze? Now is it your fault? You were trained. While this comment may be a bit radical, it is reasonable to inquire.

Furthermore, I think self-defense courses create a false sense of security. The dialogue increases your confidence, which in turn can lead to a decreased sense of awareness...letting your guard down.

I feel that this training just reinforces the idea that it is up to the victim to protect themselves, rather than placing responsibility on the offender.

Not only this, it also emphasizes the focus on the stereotypical stranger rape/attack that only happens in back alleys or when walking alone. Because of this, the course is missing a HUGE portion of attacks that occur, those done by acquaintances after a period of manipulation/control. How does one prepare for these situations?

I understand that I may be a bit too critical. I am sure that the course will increase my confidence in myself, hopefully allowing me to freely reject the idiot guy in the bar who insists on grabbing my attention. We'll see. I'm keeping an openmind and will report back throughout the course of the semester.

I need a minute...

Last night I watched North Country with my mom. Such a great movie. It really taps into what it is like to be a female (and a male for that matter) in a culture that ignores/perpetuates violence against women and children (both male and female). It is based on a true story of a group of women who filed, and won, the first Class Action Sexual Harassment case in history; changing the sexual harassment policies around the country. Riveting. I recommend seeing the movie. You really learn to appreciate the women who have come before us, paving pathways. I do warn, however, that in an effort to make the movie realistic, there are many triggers. So be prepared.

Anyway, after watching it, I had to de-stress a little before going to bed. So I got out my lovely sketchbook, drawing a crazy piece of work. Then I went to bed. Couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about how much I have wanted to say on this blog but don't have the time to write. I only have time to check my comments at work. Now that I'm in Albany, I'm spending time with mom (which is important!) and the computer is in her room. So can't write late at night when I usually do. Anyway...while I was thinking about all the craziness in my life, and how I'm slipping into my old, workaholic habits, I got out of bed to write this...

There's a lot going on right now.

I need a minute.

A minute to run.

To run and hide.

I need to run and hide.

It's okay. It's just for a minute.

I'll fight back tomorrow.

I'm tired today.

I need a minute.

To run and hide...

Speaking out takes on different forms...

I did it again. I made myself so busy that I have no time to stop and think. Feel. Breathe. Cry. Breathe. Sleep.

On a positive note: at least I am stopping myself in shorter intervals, recognizing what I'm doing to myself before it gets waaaaay out of control. But I'm tired. I feel like I'm never going to come out on top. Never going to heal.

This past weekend I got to meet Nika and see Lisa again (at Speak Out Rochester). It was great. I love being surrounded by my fellow warriors. They have so much strength and courage. It gives me hope.

I spent the last couple months planning for the clothesline project at the Speak Out. Oh how I wish we did not wait until 8pm the night before to start hanging the shirts. I was there until 430am and still did not finish what I would have liked to do. This girl had to sleep and be back by 730. Oh good lord. So I did. I've never been to anything like a Speak Out. It's great that Maggie brought this event to Rochester. I could see people transforming their lives right before my eyes. Incredible.

I wussed out of most of the participation. Clearly I am not as far healed as I had hoped. Damn. I was listening to my fellow warriors speak. Whoa. What strength they all have. I, on the other hand, was nauseous. I have a HUGE problem with holding everything in. HUGE problem. I can't let it all out. Especially not in front of people. So...I didn't. Instead I got nauseous and avoided the speak out area for the rest of the day. I decided to play in the adult play room with Lisa and some other warriors. That was great. I wouldn't have survived the Speak Out without actually speaking out in some form or another. So I made a box. I'll have to take a picture of it sometime. It represents how I feel inside. Dark. Stuck. Sad. Angry. Frustrated. Pissed off. Lonely. One part of the box shows my longing for a better future. Hope for brighter days. Efforts to make things better. It was great to get that all of my chest. BUT it didn't do it all. I was not only stressed and nauseous, I was frickin exhausted. I pulled an all nighter (kind of) and then stayed after to take down until about 7pm. Phew. Damn.

I went home and crashed. Frustrated that I was so tired because it was my last night in Rochester. I'm home with mom now till I go to California. When my roommate came home that night...I let it all out. (sort of) I wouldn't let myself cry...but I talked about how hard it was at the speak out. I got it out. I decided to draw as well. I needed something to purge my feelings. I'm pretty proud of the drawing I did. I'll take a pic of that sometime too.

Lesson of the weekend...

After seeing all of the warriors, varying in age, race, sex and gender...I realized just how long the journey to heal is. It never ends. It's lifelong. (note: this is actually a positive thing to learn folks!!!). It's a process. A long one. I have high hopes for a magical cure. Instant potatoes. Five minute rice please. But that's not how it goes. I saw many people who have been very successful in their lifetime. They broke down. They purged. They spoke out. And they will continue to be successful in their life. You have good days and bad days. It's all about integrating this really shitty experience into your life, into who you are. It helped to see all the strength in these people who were crying, talking, singing, healing.

Express yourself. (even madonna says to).

Creepy men...

While arriving at work everyday I have been greeted by the creepy cleaning man. How do I know he's creepy?

You know that stare that some men give. The stare that screams, ooooo baby come to papa. Yah, that stare. This man has checked me out from yards and yards away. Staring at me while I'm walking towards the building (the entire time). Uh Hello....I can see you, you fuck. This guy's a bit different in that he actually utters some friendly words (unlike the real assholes who stare women down and howl at them).

He finally gathered his balls and introduced himself to me the other day. I like friendly people who actually take the time to get to know you a bit, rather than googling at you. Only, this is when it turned weird. He asked what I am studying this summer (I work at the college and do research there). I told him. Then went on my way.

Later that day I see him again. No surprise there. He always seems to be on a smoke break. Again, from yards and yards away, he stares. He even re-adjusts himself into that 'cool guy' position (probably unaware that I am smart enough to recognize his foolishness). He proceeds to ask me if we can do lunch sometime. Ummm, no. You're probably 45 years old and you work here. I'm a 22 year old student. Not gonna happen buddy. But I avoided the question. Why in the hell don't I have the freaking ovaries to say, "uh, don't you think that's inappropriate?"

Instead I say that I'm not going to be around. He says, I'll come find you next semester. I laugh...you gotta be kidding.

I hate that I can be so strong, so blunt, so straightforward. But when it comes to these creeps I freeze. What the hell? I'm smart enough to recognize these creeps, but too timid to hold my own.

I've since avoided entering the building near the smoke break table. I shouldn't have to do this. But I am.

Another Moment

I had a moment. The moment that forced me to want to make a change. These moments come and go. I often make changes after these moments, until I gradually fall back into my lovely little hiding place. One of my biggest moments was after Angela Shelton came to the area. I refused to work more than one job this summer and I promised to get back into my old routine of working out. I worked one job, volunteered as a Rape Crisis Advocate and designed and implimented my own research study. Working out has been sporadic. Why can't I stay committed? Well that's easy...too much pain came rushing forward.

So I had another moment. This week I had the chance to see how some police officers treat victims during their 'investigation.' I can't go into detail. What is important is that it made me sick to see the level of insensitivity that still exists in law enforcement. (not all of them are assholes, but that is said with hope. I've only ever seen the assholes). Anyway, it made me sick. It was a moment. A moment that forced me to commit to another change.

I've been advised by many to get into Yoga or some kind of energy work that teaches you how to center your mind, body, and breathing. I've been considering it, putting it off because of the lack of money. However, after this interview, I splurged. I went out and bought a video on Power Yoga. I'm considering investing in the Yoga Journal magazine to learn more about it. I'm committing to it.

The video says to view the whole tape in full before trying it. So I did. I attempted to do some of the poses to see what it is like. It was odd. I focused on my breathing. Inhale..........Exhale.........Inhale...........Exhale. Wow. You would not believe the power behind that moment. I immediately had tears in my eyes. For the first time in over a month, I slowed myself down, emotions pushed through.

Following the video I read through the yoga journal. It was so peaceful. I was exhausted. So I went to bed. That two minutes of Yoga helped me relax. I can't wait to do the whole video!

I hope this moment that I just had, this burst of energy to make a change, will last this time. It's so hard to make it last. Up and down. Up and down. Round and Round. Stop the damn spinning Alisha!

First loves...

First loves...it's said you never forget your first love. How do you move on? How do you love again? For me, the energy it takes and the trust it takes to put into a relationship before I open up...comes once in a lifetime. And that already happened. How do I do it again?

I recently saw my ex's parents. These are people I grew up with. We were neighbors from when I was age 5 till about 11. I'm still very close with the family. I was so excited to see them that I literally was shaking...nervous/excited shaking. They would be the perfect in-laws. Not only that...everything about them, the way they talk, laugh, every mannerism, reminds me of him. *sigh*

It's pretty much drilled in our heads that you most likely never stay with your first love (or what you think is your first love) but you never forget them either. It's a unique kind of love. You remember everything good about the person. From their smell to the texture of their skin. From their eyes, nose, and hands to every shape of their muscles and crease in their skin. Sensual....

I'm pretty sure I know the answer. You can't truly love someone until you love yourself. Or at least that's what they say. I believe it. To an extent. I loved my ex whole heartedly...but I was soooo far from loving myself at the time. If only he were here now...as I'm healing. Would it have lasted if it started now? *breathe* Who knows??

How do you love yourself completely when a part of what you would love about yourself is having the ability to fall in love...again. Do you fall in love again and then love the fact that you were able to do so....thus transfering that energy into loving yourself, working on yourself? Or do you love yourself, heal yourself, work on yourself...and then have the ability to fall in love again? I'm assuming the latter is the correct answer...and the most dismal.

Blog Carnival for survivors!! Check it out.

Marj has been working very hard to put together a blog carnival against child abuse. Please take some time to view the submissions. Blog Carnival.

Marj, I'd like to thank you for putting time into organizing everyone's blogs. Knowing that we're all out there, breathing, talking, writing, surviving, is very heartwarming. Empowering. Thank you.


I'm off to visit mom for the weekend :) and to move half of my stuff home. I'm getting ready to head out to california for the semester. Talk about paving new pathways. I'm excited.

A good day

I had a great day today. I decided the last night that I was going to work out this morning. So I did. Don't get too excited...it took me a month of planning to get up to actually do it. First time I've worked out in a month. I miss it. I hate a great day afterward. Fully of energy. I wasn't tired at work. I wasn't even tired when I came home. Huh, I should do that more often.

Then I drew a picture. While thinking of my mother (the second pic). It's pretty cool. I'm proud of it.

A couple weeks ago I drew another one that was for my sister (the first pic). Just happens to represent what I think so many survivors go through.

I realized while trying to draw again tonight that it is so much harder to do something for myself. To express my own feelings. I can express how I feel about others or how I think others feel. But not myself.

Aside from that, today was an exceptionally good day. I could go for another day like this.

Various levels of support...

I just returned from a funfilled weekend at the 12th Annual University of Buffalo Ronald E. McNair Conference. I'm in this program called McNair that is dedicated to preparing undergraduate minority and underprivileged students for graduate work. In doing so, we receive training for the GRE's the application process and numerous other things that we students may have never thought to ask about. In order to be in the program you are paired up with a mentor to conduct research, which prepares us for graduate level work. It's amazing. I came to the program after a professor I was researching with sent me to apply. My life has taken a complete 180 since then. This weekend we were able to present our research in a professional setting, further preparing us for graduate school.

All of the students in the program are 1st generation college students of minority cultures and/or economically underprivileged college students. The atmosphere is insane, with all the students sharing their passions, visions, and stories of their past. I got to know the people in my program at Brockport really well. There was one individual in particular that stuck out to me. He is very perceptive and worldy, offering interesting perspectives on the world we live in.

He just happened to strike up conversation with me, trying to figure out my background. Apparantly I send a vibe. He said he noticed me in the McNair office on campus and picked up the sense that I have had a rough life. He said he went to one of our directors and said something to this effect, "There's something about her...I can see it in her face..."

He proceeded to tell me of all of the obstacles he has had to overcome. I think he was trying to make me feel more comfortable with him so he can figure out what has happened with me. He's a great guy. I think he was trying to tell me that he is supportive and here to listen.

But I froze. I know that in this particular environment I can be real with people and they won't judge. I felt like I should share my story with him. But I couldn't. It was surprisingly painful. We got into a conversation about my father after discussing how oblivious I was to the men around me. Apparantly a few people noticed that men would be checking me out or engaging in conversation, yet I had no idea what was going on. I tuned it out. huh. I was shocked and even more shocked after realizing my oblivion.

We continued our conversation and I slipped in that I don't have a relationship with my father. He assumes that's why I'm stand-offish with men. Haha. Close. If only he knew what my real issues are. I kept thinking this while we were talking. Yet, like I said, I was surprisingly mute. This is particularly out of the ordinary considering that I was there presenting on my research that is based around Rape Crisis Services. During the presentation I openly identified as a survivor, which elicited "coming out" stories from the audience. Yet throughout this converstion I could not bring myself to say, "you're close, but my real issues with men stem from my sexual abuse and the sexual abuse of many of my loved ones. Hell, I even have pedophiles in my family. How can you trust men after all that????" But I didn't. I sat silent.

I left the converstation feeling thrown off. Here's a guy who is really nice, really open, trustworthy, honorable, and supportive. And I blew him off. (blew him off in converstation, he wasn't trying to pick me up or anything). I left feeling sad that I give the vibe that my life is troubled. The pain in my eyes is apparant to outsiders. Huh. That really makes you think. I try not to make my pain overt. I try to make it look like I'm okay. But it's there. Always. People know. If they don't know they probably just think I'm a bitch (I have a tendency to get cranky every once in awhile).

I guess the moral of this story is, deal with your pain. You may be able to lie to yourself, but you can't lie to others. They see it no matter how hard you try to hide it. So face it. Don't run away. When people offer a supportive environment to express your pain, take advantage. Build networks of support. Crying does not make you vulnerable. It shows your strength.

Now, if only I could take my own advice.

Hello again...

I just received a comment from Leah saying, 'where've you been?' Thanks for checkin on me Leah. My internet at home has actually been on the fritz for about a month now. The only access I have to the internet is at work, but I obviously cannot focus on my blogging as much as I would want to while there. I miss writing everday and there are so many situations I've encountered that have made me think..."I have to remember this to write in my blog."

Right now I am in Niagara Falls for a conference focused on research I am doing, hence my access to the internet. The level of support here is amazing and I can't wait to share my interests.

Gotta run now but I hope everyone is keepin' on keepin' on!

Cry when you are sad...

I recently read that the Buddhist religion says to smile when you are happy, cry when you are sad, feel your deepest feelings when you are lonely and so on. Cry when you are sad...huh. I haven't tried that. Feel your feelings when you are lonely. Haven't tried that either.

Well, I've tried to an extent. But not enough. I'm still pushing everything away. Blocking out my true feelings. It's so hard.

But I'm trying.

Art is for everyone :)

So excited at the moment. At the beginning of the summer I moved in with an artistic person. I was thrilled. I've needed direction or support on how to go about starting up art. I've been trying to think of what I loved to do as a child, drawing was one of them. I quite before I was able to get really good, but it has been something I wish I stuck with.

So when I moved in with the roomie, we planned on shopping for art supplies that could get me started. BUT we have been unable to until yesterday. That's why I'm so excited today. We went shopping last night.

I bought a sketch pad and soft pastels. I realized while shopping for supplies how important it is to really pay attention to what you feel and what you want. It starts with shopping, not with drawing. That's why I picked soft pastels, I was feelin' it. haha.

Then when we got home, I whipped out my new supplies and started doodling, to see how the chalk works. This is when it became quite useful to have an artsy person for a roommate. She explained that I really need to just make my mind go blank when I want to draw. Creating something involves really paying attention to how you feel. What colors you feel like using. What type of line or circle or tree or whatever do you feel like drawing. That's funny. What perfect training for me to pay attention to what I am really feeling, forcing me to address my issues. I need that. I've developed a habit of pushing my feelings to the back of my mind, so training myself to go blank and pay attention is perfect.

The roomie explained it perfectly. She said, this could be therapeutic for me simply b/c I have an issue with constantly being in control of myself, being busy, focused, with a schedule. Forcing myself to start with a blank slate, without having a picture in mind when I start, requires to me lose a bit of control. Working on a whim. Going with the flow. No plan in sight.

I'm thrilled. I'm hoping that drawing will help me allow me to develop new ways of expressing myself. Learning how to pay attention is the first step. I'll include a picture when I get better.

You know, I've always told people that I'm not creative, innovative, or artistic. I'm starting to realize that everyone is (or can be). When I used to think of art, I thought of it as these beautiful, famous paintings. I realize now that art is so much more than that. Art is what you make it. Maybe I can be creative. Maybe I can be artsy. I just have to find the type of art that I like.

Damn roadrunner

My internet at home is not working...booooo. I was bummed b/c I'm not able to use the internet to blog. I need to blog sometimes...gets my stress out. I'm at work right now, so I don't have time to write. Hopefully we'll get the net fixed soon. I've got lots to tell. Maybe I'll keep my own journal and then submit a post when I get to work or something. We'll see.

Loneliness...

I miss him. My ex. I have these days sometimes. He was a great boyfriend. But he was a high school boyfriend. You know how that goes. First love. You never forget your first love. I can't decide if I miss him...or if I miss "it." You know, the "it" that makes your knees shake and your body tingle (stop with the dirty minds people). I've never been able to be so open with another man. I trusted him. I grew up with him. How do you find that again?

I often wonder if I am longing for "it" with another man or if I am longing for "it" with myself. I've been told numerous times that you have to love yourself before you can be in love with somebody else, the true love. Not the needy love. I believe it. But I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to find myself, trying to love myself. When will it be over? When will I accept myself?

Do I miss him, "it"? Or do I miss me? Sometimes I think I can date and find the one...but how do I trust anyone enough to date? I know, I know. I need to work on myself before that will happen. I'm worn out though. I'm tired. I need a companion to help me through it. Or do I?

You see the pattern. I crave love. But from who? Me or someone else? I want to date but have no trust. Will working on myself allow me to trust? Or will having a companion help me work on myself and build trust?

Who knows! All I know is I'm lonely. Now, am I lonely because I miss my self, my soul? Or am I lonely because I miss being in love?

It goes on and on...I'll stop now...

Boredom

I'm playing around with my backgrounds...cause I'm bored with the blue. I'll work on adding the same links that I already had from fellow survivors...I just have to figure it out! Any ideas on how to have a better background...I'm bored with the blue.

Sober or blacking out??

I recently decided to slow down my drinking habits. I've recognized that it is a bit out of control. I'm not an alcoholic, I don't drink all day everday. I don't need alcohol to deal with everyday life. But I do need alcohol to get me through a night of socializing. I wasn't a big drinker until about a year and a half ago. I went from barely drinking to drinking to the point of blacking out. Funny that it took me almost two years to realize this is abnormal. Good lord Alisha!

The last time I blacked out was about 2 weeks ago. I woke up, went through the usual routine of asking everyone what happened the night before, concluding that "we must have had fun." It's odd that my reasoning for not drinking before a year and a half ago was because I lived in fear of being sexually assaulted. I hate the loss of control that comes with alcohol. Oddly enough, I went from fearing a loss of control to being out of control, often embarassing myself while being intoxicated.

Two weeks ago, after the routine of finding out the nights events, I made a commitment to end the non-sense. Why the hell was I doing this to myself? How stupid could I be? I was viewing a night of socializing through a dichotomous lens. I either was sober and in total control or wasted and out of control. The thought of casual drinking and staying in control never occurred.

I set on a journey to understand my logic. I should mention that by 'blacking out' I don't mean totally off my face falling all over on the streets and puking. I just would wake up and not remember certain conversations or actions I had taken.

Last night, I set out on my journey of casual drinking. It didn't take long for me to realize why I don't casually drink. I am 100% insecure. Holy crap. I felt like every person in the place was staring at me, not because they were interested, but because they were thinking...'that girl has a gut, her ass is huge, check out her thunderthighs, man her arms are flabby...'

You get the point.

I realized that while being drunk, I don't have to deal with all of these insecurities. I'm not afraid to have conversations. I'm not constantly analyzing how I look. I don't feel like everyone is criticizing me. I'm just having a crazy time.

So what do I do...not go out? Stop drinking? Or do I deal with my insecurities and casually drink on occasion?

Obviously the latter is the ideal way to go. But how. How do I deal with my insecurities? It doesn't help that while you're sober you're listening in on men's conversations. Conversations that always involve a complete analysis of the way women look. Perhaps even worse are the conversations by women who also critically analyze the way women look. Get over it people. We can't all look anorexic. I'd love to say that to the critics, but I don't.

Clearly I need to work on my insecurities and I would advise myself to stop drinking while doing so. But I'm at an age where drinking is a time to socialize. So how do I balance it? I can't deal with going out and feeling like everyone's staring. I hate it.

We'll see how I handle this one.

Sexual assault...a MEN's issue??

I just finished reading the first chapter of Jackson Katz's new book, The Macho Paradox. I highly recommend grabbing a copy. The preface alone is enough to make you want to sit down and read it in one day. Jackson Katz, a male feminist, is active in a movement of men working to help end violence against women and children. An interesting concept. He takes the focus away from what women can do to protect themselves from an assault, challenging both women and men to recognize men's role in violence against women and children.

Katz starts his book with an exercise that throws a bit of reality right in your face. I've always known the steps that women have to take EVERYDAY to ensure their safety. When a woman is assaulted, she is immediately blamed for not taking the proper steps, using 'common sense', in order to avoid an assault. Katz addresses a group of men and women by asking men first how they protect themselves from assault on a daily basis. According to Katz, "occasionally a young guy will raise his hand and say, 'I stay out of prison.'" Laughter follows.

When the women are asked the steps they take, the steps that are so engrained they become subconsious actions, the list goes on and on. While reading this, I got a bit upset. I've always known the extra precautions women have to take, it's always pissed me off; but for some reason, I got even more upset than usual. Here's the list:

"Hold my keys as a potential weapon. Look in the back seat of the car before getting in. Carry a cell phone. Don't go jogging at night. Lock all the windows when I go to sleep, even on hot summer nights. Be careful not to drink too much. Don't put my drink down and come back to it; make sure I see it being poured. Own a big dog. Carry Mace or pepper spray. Have an unlisted phone number. Have a man's voice on my answering machine. Park in well-lit areas. Don't use parking garages. Don't get on elevators with only one man, or with a group of men. Vary my route home from work. Watch what I wear. Don't use highway rest areas. Use a home alarm system. Don't wear headphones when jogging. Avoid forests or wooded areas, even in the daytime. Don't take a first-floor apartment. Go out in groups. Own a firearm. Meet men on first dates in public places. Make sure to have a car or cab fare. Don't make eye contact with men on teh street. Make assertive eye contact with men on the street."

Sound familiar ladies?? Daily women take these steps. Men, however, laugh and joke about staying out of prison. This list pisses me off for a couple of reasons. First, it's not fair and most people just chalk it up to a fact of life for women. Fuck that. Why should it have to be a fact of life for women? Second, this entire list of actions we take to protect ourselves prepares us for an attack from a STRANGER. Hello!!! Statistics show that anywhere between 60 and 80% of sexual assaults are perpetrated by an acquaintance (90% when involving child sexual abuse), most of which occur in the victim's or perpetrator's home. Therefore, we prepare ourselves for stranger rapes, which are much less likely to occur. And then, we get blamed for failing to protect ourselves, for lacking common sense. Clearly this validates the rules of logic. Yet we let it go b/c it's a women's issue, right?

Katz argues that violence against women and children is just as much of a men's issue as it is a women's issue. I concur!

Read the book! And thank the men that are taking action! Stand Up Guys is a group located here in Rochester that is fighting violence against women and children! Go Stand Up Guys!

I said no...

I recently spoke with my women's studies mentor about the issues I have had with this dating situation. She made me realize a ton of things. First, and most importantly, she said that it took her a long time to learn that friendships have different levels. You have acquaintances, friends you like to hang out with, close friends, and intimate friends (the friends you can count on always). I realized that these friends who were pressuring me into dating a guy I had no interest in and then telling me it's b/c I have issues and it's no big deal, are the friends that I like to hang out with. They're not my real friends. However, I no longer am interested in hanging out with them. If they can't respect my decision and leave the analysis of my emotional state up to me, then I'd rather spend my time with closer friends.

I've realized by talking with many different women, strong women, that this pressure to date men, men we may not be interested in, is unfair. Why do I have to date a guy that I'm not interested in just b/c he has taken a liking to me? I feel like women or at least some women are expected to do so. If they don't then they receive all of the shit from people. It must mean somethings wrong with me...why the hell else wouldn't I date any dude who was interested? Oh I know, I AM NOT interested. Huh. What a concept?

Don't pathologize me, don't analyze me. I'm not you. Everyone has different experiences. While they may be similar, it doesn't mean they have the same feelings about things as you.

After being sexually abuse or raped, we as survivors need to have the control over our own lives. We want it back. We need the power that was taken away from us back. So to have other people analyzing our situations or criticizing our dating decisions is more than frustrating (I've done this with other survivors, and I now feel bad for offering any advice, sorry). I'm not okay. But I'm not suffering. I'm not suicidal and I'm not self-mutilating. I've come a long way. I recognize what I need to work on. In fact, my professor and I also discussed how my abuse may have damaged my ability to have healthy, emotional relationships with other people (friends, family, significant others alike).

I'd like to work on this and I think many survivors may be able to identify with what I'm about to say. When I was being sexually abused, I did what many survivors do in order to survive; I created my own little emotional hiding place, deep inside my psyche. I went there to hide whenever I couldn't tolerate the pain of my abuse. I became sooooo good at running and hiding whenever something emotional happened, that it became habitual. Now, it is difficult for me to deal with emotions. I don't cry. I don't feel. I run and hide. Luckily, this is a habit. You can break habits. I'm working on that by talking about my issues here and by speaking more with my family and friends on sad days. I cannot even describe how good it feels to have the supportive network that I have.

Anyway, I'm beginning to realize that you really have to pay attention to your mind and body. Pay attention and allow yourself to have control of yourself. Tell people when they piss you off. They won't do it again. If they aren't comfortable with your reaction and they don't respect your decisions, then they most likely weren't close or intimate friends in the first place. I've found that time is so precious, I don't have time to waste on people who don't respect me.

I'm beginning to recognize the difference between the type of guys I am interested in and the type of guys I am not interested in. I understand that I still have many issues, such as fear of trusting a guy that is actually an asshole, fear of pressure to have sex and not being able to say no, fear of date rape, but at least I am working on them. The biggest step I've taken is actually saying no. I said no. I don't want to date this guy. I set my boundaries (thanks Franki!). I demanded respect. Hopefully, when I'm interested in a guy and I eventually date, I'll be able to set my boundaries around the sexual aspects of a relationship. Hopefully I'll say no until I am ready.

I think saying no to this guy was a huge first step :) I'm preparing myself for the next step. It really is a powerful feeling to demand respect. I've always been strong and independent, but weak and passive at the same time. To change the weaker side of me is an amazing feeling.

How exciting, I'm regaining control. One day at a time.

How does everyone feel about regaining control and demanding respect?

The dating scene...I hate it

Ahhh, the women's building. A breath of fresh air. While in california I visited The Women's Building in San Francisco. The entire building was painted with images of beautiful women from all cultures. It was amazing.

Anyway, today I need to complain about dating. I've struggled with this issue for many years. My last boyfriend was also my best friend. We had known each other since we were 5. 3 years ago we broke up, ending my love life as we know it. At first, I was completely NOT interested in dating anyone. In fact, I recognized that I needed to spend some time working on myself. So I headed to NYC for a summer to stir up my life a bit. I needed to see what this world is all about.

I'd say it was at least a year and a half or so before I even thought about dating again. I started longing for a significant other. But you're not supposed to look for em right? So instead I occupied my time, all of my time doing work. Busy busy busy. I have no time to date...right? Nah, that's just what I tell people.

Now, I'm in a situation that is actually pissing me off. A lot. A couple friends of mine are trying to set me up with their friend. I've met this guy before when we were all out for a night. I wasn't interested. (not being interested is allowed, right?). Now I'm feeling the pressure because these people are taking it upon themselves to analyze me. Yah, me. Saying I'm closed off and I'm too busy for a reason, the reason being to avoid dating. Okay, so that's true to an extent. However, there's a difference between closing myself off because I'm afraid and closing myself off because I'm not interested. These people are using my issues to pressure me into dating this guy. I don't like the control they have over the situation. If they wanted me to just hang out with everyone and get to know him, I would have been fine with that. But no, it had to be turned into a date. A big thing that everyone talks about. One of them had the nerve to tell me that another girl was uncomfortable hanging with the three of them last night b/c "he's my man" (and she was serious). Fuck that shit. We hung out as a group one night, I might have said two words to him. He's not my man. We're not dating. I'm not interested. If I was interested, I would have made more of an effort that first night.

Alright, so am I over reacting? Who knows? All I know is, I'm not interested in this guy. He's not a bad guy. Just not my type. So why should I be pressured into a date that is going no where? Let me deal with my own issues people. You analyzing me and telling me how you think I should begin dating is not going to help. (I'm talking to these people...not the people who read my blog...I love the advice from my blog readers, you understand me, they don't)

The moral of the story is...even though I am afraid to start dating, I know when I'm attracted to somebody. Whether or not I pursue something with my interest is the issue. My issue is not dating anybody and everybody. I don't want to. Good lord, leave me alone.

Does anyone else have dating issues? I'm sure you do, b/c that is another part of surviving. But I'm lost. Let's chat.

Off to California :)

I'm off to California for the weekend :) I'll be back on monday. I have lots of good stories saved up for when I get back...they involve dating. pahaha. I know. Me? Date? I already feel like I'm too old for that. Good lord it's been awhile.

Anyway, I'm going to the National Women's Studies Association Annual Conference in Oakland. Sooooo excited. Here's another thing that I love. I love women's studies. I love feminism. My first women's studies course is where I began coming out of my shell. Speaking out through my writing. Only the professors read the papers but at least I was saying it to someone. So I have ran with the program ever since my first course. I'm thrilled to be able to spend time with all the amazing women who are paving pathways for themselves and the younger generations of women. Woohoo.

K. Gotta go pack and be on my way :) <----I've been smiling a lot the past couple days. I love the rising part of the cycle!

The philosophy of healing...part duex (I almost forgot!)

Good lord, I almost forgot the most important part of my workout today. The cool down. While I was taking my final two laps around the track, I developed this incredibly intense cramp. Not one of those cramps that you can run through. I tried that. It was one of those cramps that was like, uh excuse me hunny, you're gonna have to stop or your muscle is gonna rip. Crap. I was pissed. This cramp was about to ruin a perfectly good workout. A great workout actually.

So I stopped and walked a half a lap. While walking and attempting to breath (cuz the incredible pain would not go away), I started getting really pissed. The kind of pissed that surprises you b/c it's really not that big of deal. Only, I was so pissed b/c this pain reminded me of the kind of pain that I am feeling everyday. The pain that forces you to self-injure, to be a workaholic, to drink (which is actually the control that the abuser has over you, acting out). So I got pissed. I associated this pain with my abuser ruining my workout. I was like, you bitch...couldn't even give me the satisfaction of completing an awesome workout. So I cried. I screamed. GO AWAY. And I cried some more. And then...I laughed. I know, what the hell is going on, right?

I see this as my way of releasing all of that pent-up anger and sadness that I have been holding in, especially throughout the last week. So really, this pain wasn't ruining my workout. It was helping me move on. To take the next step. So I took the next necessary step. I ran a victory lap. Go me!

The philosophy of healing...

Wow. I just had an amazing workout full of symbolism. Holy crap. Today I woke up and decided to snap out of my crappy mood. So I did. Slowly and surely. I ate healthy all day and then decided to do my favorite workout, which happens to be the most difficult. I do like a challenge. (you just witnessed me finding a part of myself...I like a challenge. I do. That's me. My name's Alisha and I like a challenge). ha. Anyway...this particular workout consists of both running and plyometrics (a type of exercise using explosive movements to develop muscular power, esp. bounding, hopping, and jumping, according to webster).

While I was doing the plyometrics, which builds strength in your muscles, I realized how similar this exercise is to healing. Plyos require you to focus on technique, not speed. It's more important that you complete each exercise correctly than it is to finish it fast. This requires you to focus. Now how does this relate to healing? Well, healing is certainly not about speed. Good lord, if it was everyone would do it. It is a long grueling process that requires you to focus. Pay attention to your mind and body. What is it telling you?

Plyos also require balance, which happens to be a necessity for life as well. I have stated before that finding balance in your life is key. If you work hard, play hard. That's my moto. (I know I know, saying it and doing it are 2 different things...I'm workin' on it!).

In addition to balance, focus, and technique (rather than speed), BREATHING is required. Not just breathing, but focusing on breathing. Plyos, if you do them correctly, can be one of the hardest training programs. Funny, healing is the same way. It is harder to heal. Harder to commit to healing than it is to push it away, to take the easy or fast way out.

While I was running, I was thinking about how plyos build strength. The strongest and best athletes do plyos. Healing, too, builds strength. In addition, a team full of athletes who have strength training is likely to be the better team. A world full of survivors who have trained to heal, breaks the cycle and elicits change. There is strength in numbers. But numbers alone won't do it. A team full of the best athletes is not necessarily the best team. Other 'weaker' teams, who are more united, who work together to reach a common goal, are more likely to come out on top. That's because they're on the same page. They don't judge. They encourage each other. Support each other. Unity. There is strength in unity. Imagine, a world full of strong survivors who use their common ground to unite and fight the system...huh, what a concept.

I'm beginning to find what works for me. I cannot imagine what life would be like if I never started playing sports as a little girl. Actually, it's funny to think about how the meaning of sports in my life has changed as I've grown. Initially it was a way for me, a young incredibly angry child, to release steam, anger, frustration. It was a constructive way to release the feelings that I could not verbalize as a child. Today, in addition to releasing my anger through working out, I am able to use the philosphy of sport as an analogy to the healing process; which, in turn, assists me in my healing process.

It's funny, this feeling. Knowing that I'm chuggin' along on this rollercoaster that just happens to be on an incline at the moment. Last week I was falling, falling fast, with no clear sign of an upside. Today, I'm climbing back up. I think I can, I think I can. Hopefully, as I continue on this rollercoaster ride, the hills will get smaller and smaller. Eventually, there may be no hills. Only small bumps. I can handle small bumps. Ahhhh, I can see it coming!

: )

Control This...!@#$

Alright, so I feel a bit better today. I still took the weekend to be spinning in this never ending cycle of pain, beating myself up for still being single, eating crappy, drinking alcohol, and avoiding people. HOWEVER, I've realized some things. In my last post I mentioned that I may just be replacing one addiction with another by trying to be healthy. I feel like that is all I am doing. However, I realize now that being healthy, forcing myself to be healthy, is not the only answer to living a fulfilling life. That is just one aspect that I need to fix. Therefore, I'm not replacing one addiction with another. By being active and healthy, I am opening up the opportunity to heal mentally. You cannot heal mentally as a workaholic, but you can as a health "freak" (and I say freak lightheartedly, it's not really freakish). The next step is to deal with all of these emotions that are resurfacing. How?

I don't know how yet. But after speaking with my mom, I realize that it is important to remain positive. Recognizing that this REALLY shitty thing happened to you is the first step. Then KNOWING that it does not have to control you is the next. Ironically, you have control over whether or not it controls your life. Knowing that when you feel crappy, when you feel like drinking, when you feel like withdrawing, those are all ways that the abuse is controlling you. Stop it. NOW. DO NOT let it control your life.

Make something positive out of it. My mom, who is also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (I got her permission to say this, GO Mom for speaking out!!), said that you can make something positive out of a bad experience. She proceeded to remind me of all the ways I have been working to make something positive come out of this. And I was like, oh yah, I have done that. Recognize the control you do have. Use that control for your benefit. Check yourself. Constantly check yourself to make sure that what you are doing is benefitting you.

I've noticed that I am defining my progress with healing by my lack of a boyfriend. I somehow think that if I had a boyfriend or was able to start a relationship, then that means I have healed. But it doesn't. It's deeper than that. I haven't had a boyfriend in 3 years, I'm too afraid to go there. (for all of those guys who think that I turned you down because I have issues, you're wrong. I turned you down because I'm not interested...good lord). I've noticed that I have two types of guys hitting on me. Neither one being my interest. They're either egotistical assholes who are preying on girls for a piece of ass or pushy guys who get pissed and never talk to me again when I reject them. Or if they do talk to me again, they are very childish b/c they have suffered the ultimate blow to a male's ego, rejection. In fact, I had this one loser guy call me last night and leave me what sounded like a drunken message (at 730pm). I think he may have been attemtping to repair his ego. Only he just validated my perception of him.

Anyway, I'm on a tangent. My point is that you should not depend on the presence or absence of a man in your life for validation. I learned from Angela Shelton that you may only see the assholes when you are still suffering from your abuse. Therefore, only the assholes hit on you and you only end up dating assholes. I have hope that the really good guys, the guys that I know will catch my interest, are out there, I just haven't been seeing them. I'll let you know when I figure out how the hell to see them. (Maybe when you work on healing yourself and are happy with yourself, they will appear. I bet it's magic)

My points are all kind of jumbled today. That is a result of a week of confusion and spinning. However, my main point, and the most important, is to recognize your need to control your life. Use it contructively. Don't control your life through work, alcohol, self-mutilation. Control your life through living healthy. Control your life by committing to ending your self-abuse. You may have to replace your worst addiction (workaholic) with another addiction (committing yourself to healing). Just make sure that the new addiction you develop is the addiction to heal. To live. To love. To laugh. They're much more fun.

oh, and if you're having trouble calling the new, positive, controlling habit an addiction, then call it a commitment. A bind. An agreement. Whatever you wish. Just do it.

:)

From workaholic to health freak...

So I've been thinking. I had my life pretty much under control before the beginning of may. It may not have been the best way to live but at least I didn't feel like this everyday. By being a workaholic I was able to keep myself from feeling like this and I was still social. Since may, I have withdrawn myself from people. I've tried, so hard, to do the things everyone recommends. The working out. The eating healthy. The taking time out for yourself. I've done it all. But now all I have is a whole lot of emotions surfacing. What do I do with them? I don't want to go from being a workaholic to being a health freak. I feel like that just replaces one addiction with another. I'm stuck. I'm trying to keep a positive outlook...I know it will get better. The problem is, figuring out how to make it better. :(

Sad

Current mood: sad : (

I missed a few days of working out while I was home and ooohhh boy did it catch up with me. I wanted to crawl in a hole and scream and cry when I tried getting back into yesterday. It hurt. A lot. Today was a bit better. While I was running I realized that I can relate working out to the healing process yet again. I took a few days off. Fell back into the terrible self-abusing cycle, I fell hard. Yesterday and today was like starting all over again. Attempting to pick up steam. Rebuild. Only now I'm much sadder and weaker than ever before.

It's said that if you take one day off from working out you lose a week of training and have to start over. I think taking one day of from healing is like losing a frickin year. I feel like shit.

I feel like withdrawing and crying at every single point of the day. I decided to call the martial arts people to see about some self-defense courses. Maybe they'll help me with my confidence. I also need to release some serious friggin anger. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Breathe in...Breath out...

Breathe.
I spent the weekend at home with mom and the rest of the fam. I was sooo looking forward to going home. It just wasn't enough time to visit. I haven't been able to spend time with mom since I've had this healing kick. It's rough. I need her to know I'm not okay (she knows). But I just need to talk. The whole time I was visiting I was hoping to find the opportunity to discuss my fears and my worries. Not possible when you're only home for two full days.

Now that I am spending time on myself, I have less time to work. Less work means less money. Less money means added stress. Added stress means less time to focus on healing. Less time to focus on healing means falling back into the perpetual cycle. It's a daunting reality.

Nauseous. I was nauseous the entire time I was visiting. Sick. Tired. Tense. Anticipating losing control. Revealing my emotions. Crying.

Eventually, the night before I left to come back to Brockport, I lost it. I cried. A lot. I cried because I need to share this time of healing with my family. Yet I can't do so when I am never home. I have not been able to visit for more than 2-3 days at a time in over 6 months. That's enough time to say, hey what's new, how've you been, what's next? It takes time to get into details, and that I didn't have.

I had to wear my sunglasses on the drive home because my head was pounding. The smallest bit of light was enough to send shooting pains through my head. I felt like I had a sinus infection with all of the pressure in my head. You can't exactly release the pressure, lose it and cry while you're on a 4 hour drive. So I did what I've always been good at, I held it in.

I'm sad. I want my mom. Which reminds me of another issue I have....the pressure of trying to protect family (my mom) from the pain of watching me hurt. I've always been very protective of my mom, knowing it kills her to see me in pain. So I avoid discussing my issues related to the sexual abuse. I can't do it anymore. I can't avoid it. BUT, I don't want to see her hurt. It's hard. She's been through a lot of shit too. I don't know how much more she can take.

Silence. Silence breads frustration. Frustration. Frustration increases tension. Tension. Tension. Tension. Tension. Tension forces the eventually release. Release of every emotion. Emotion. Emotions suddenly pouring out. Suddenly. Suddenly a loss of control. Loss of control leads to fear of sharing emotions, of feeling emotions. Fear of sharing and feeling emotions. Fear of sharing and feeling emotions forces you into silence. Silence. And silence breads frustration...

Breathe.

Blah...

It's too late to really get into the issues I have had over the past few days. I'll try it tomorrow. I'm tired. Sad. Worn out. Desparate. Running out of steam. Sad....Really sad. I cried a lot over the past day. I miss mom. I miss my voice. I wish I knew how to deal. I'll explain tomorrow. Right now I need sleep.

Recognizing the things you love...

So today, I was packing and getting ready to travel to Mom's house for the weekend. While doing so, I was enjoying some celery and peanut butter. Mmmm. Thinking to myself...I looooove peanut butter. And then I had a moment. haha. I just said, I looooove peanut butter. And I realized that I am learning something about myself. I'm finding myself. One small thing at a time.

Then, less than a half hour later, while I was listening to KT's album, I realized something else about myself. I loooooove singing. haha. Even though some may be in tears, in pain when I sing. I love it. I love when musicians share their soul and allow me to share it with them. I love belting out songs in my car when I'm by myself (note: when I'm by myself). lol.

When I noticed both of these things that I love today, I realized that I am finding myself. Recognizing myself. Defining who I am.

So far, I'm a young woman who loves peanut butter and who pretends she is an unbelievable musician, with soul. I can't wait to find out what else I reeeaaaallllly love to do.

Who are you? What makes you happy?

ps: I'm traveling to see mom for the weekend : -). I'll write later.

Heal Over...

Yesterday I read lyrics to an amazing song that Jessie posted on her blog, I have to share my thoughts. The song is called Heal Over, by KT Tunstall. I'll break down the lyrics.

Verse 1
It isn't very difficult to see why
You are the way you are
Doesn't take a genius to realise
That sometimes life is hard
It's gonna take time
But you'll just have to wait
You're gonna be fine
But in the meantime...(Chorus)

I can remember being so frustrated when people did not understand me. I kept screaming to myself..."There's a reason why I am the way I am. There's a reason everybody is the way they are. Hear me, please. Please hear me. Please help me. " I'm starting to realize that this inner voice, this frustrated screaming inner voice, was yelling to me. How can I expect people to understand who I am and the reasons I am that way, when I do not even understand who I am or how the sexual abuse has affected my life? Listen to your voice. Listen to your body. There are signs everywhere. Recognizing that your body and mind are speaking to you, in my mind, is the first step towards healing. And like KT says, "It's gonna take time...You're gonna be fine." I hear this message, I believe it, I can't wait to be fine. Hopefully when I get really good at listening to myself, healing myself, then I can let people know who I am, who I really am, the me I've always wanted to be.

Chorus
Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you'll heal over
Heal over
Heal over someday

For me, I see the voice in this chorus as being our fellow survivors (or anyone who supports us). Those who are sharing the same hard track, the path towards a healthy living. I especially see people like Angela Shelton as the voice of this chorus. Those who continuously share their insights and encourage us to keep a healthy outlook, to be warriors.

Verse 2
And I don't wanna hear you tell yourself
That these feelings are in the past
You know it doesn't mean they're off the shelf
Because pain's built to last
Everybody sails alone
But we can travel side by side
Even if you fail
You know that no one really minds
Come over here lady (Chorus)

How many times have I told myself that I'm over it? I've dealt with it. I've moved on. Look at me, I have great friends and family and I am extremely successful academically. Life's great. Or is it? Telling myself that everything is great worked at the time. It worked to get me through the day without going insane. Only, in place of actually being happy and healthy, I became a workaholic. I've never had a break, time to eat, time to relax. Never. I go go go alllll the time. Hence my success at school I guess. The feelings are in the past, right? Wrong. It wasn't until Angela Shelton came to Brockport that I forced myself to pay attention to what I was doing to myself. Working myself to mask my pain. "Pain's built to last" according to KT. True, to an extent. I've learned that you need recognize how this pain is affecting you, physically and mentally. Find a healthy balance in life. If you work hard, play hard.

The second part of verse 2 says more than I could ever put into words. "Everyone sails alone." We do. All survivors have their own way of healing, their own wants, their own needs. Each situation is unique. Yet "we travel side by side." The healing process is so similar because we are all caught in the same cycle. The same self-abusing cycle. Through these kinds of networks we help each other sail side by side. And if you fall behind, if you fall back into the cycle, "no one really minds" because we all do at some point, sometimes over and over again. We're here to pull eachother back up. (hence the chorus of the song)

Verse 3
Don't hold on but don't let go
I know it's so hard
You've got to try to trust yourself
I know it's so hard, so hard (chorus)

Wow. How true is this? I remember being 9 years old, sitting in my psychologists office for the first time. His words stuck with me...he said, do you think you should just forget what happened? And I, of course, said yes. Who wants to remember that shit. To my surprise, he didn't agree. "Don't let go" of what happened (thank you Dr. Zuckerman). Letting go only puts the pain back "on the shelf." BUT, as KT brilliantly says, Don't hold on. In other words, don't let it control your life. Work on healing. Find a balance.

Finally, "You've got to try to trust yourself." Wow, what a concept. For so long I have not trusted anyone, not one single soul. Not even myself. I live my life waiting for the next bombshell to land. Just when things get good, I anticipate the bad. I realize now that I am not trusting myself. At all. Maybe if you trust yourself, find yourself, believe in yourself, heal yourself, then you can work on letting others share your peace, your happiness, without anticipating the bad. I hope so. But it is so hard.

KT finishes the song reminding us that we have support, so much support. And we will heal over someday. It's hard. But we will. I will.

Thank you Jessie for sharing this song. I feel like the lyrics were taken right from my mouth (even though I would never be able to articulate it so beautifully). I hope you all get the chance to download this song, the music ...I can't describe.

Why aren't you outraged?????????

I was talking with a dear friend of mine today and she presented a quote to me that I will never forget. It makes total sense. If anyone knows the author of the quote, please fill me in. I couldn't find it.

"If you are not outraged, then you are not paying attention."

Huh. That says it all. This made me start thinking. A lot. How do we get people who are not survivors to recognize the severity of the sexual assault epidemic? How do we make them outraged? Change does not happen until people recognize that something is an issue. It is so easy for people to look the other way when they hear about children being raped. Who can stand the thought of little children giving someone head to the point of ejaculation or having their privates penetrated by a penis/object? The details are even more graphic and hard to believe.

There are people trying to raise awareness and educate the larger population. But I feel like most of this education is focused on survivors and their families. They're preachin' to the choir.

I know there are tons of organizations out their supporting victims and their families and they do wonderful work. However, it seems as though we are educating the wrong people. For example, at my college, SUNY Brockport, throughout the last semester there have been [public] reports of rape and/or assaults on campus or in town. The university police immediately put out a warning (mind you, they only warn you when they hear about a stranger rape, not acquaintance). The warning is followed by "females, please use common sense and do not walk alone." WTF!! Teaching women survival strategies may teach women how to avoid a SMALL chance that a stranger rape attempt that may occur (I say this b/c it has been reported that anywhere from 60-80% of rapes are acquaintance rapes), HOWEVER, wouldn't teaching MEN that they should not mistreat a woman be a more effective strategy to secure safety?????

I am not attempting to attack SUNY Brockport. Rapes happen on every campus. Nor am I trying to attack men. Research clearly indicates, however, that men are the primary perpetrators in sexual assaults. If men are offended when they read "Men, you need to stop attacking women" then I hope they will take a second to understand how warning females to use "common sense" in situations that are out of their control is an outrageous expectation. Common sense is most likely being used. We don't ask to be raped under any circumstances.

Clearly I am pissed of at the lack of information or misinformation that is out there and that is not addressed towards perpetrators. Why are more people not pissed? Outraged? Paying attention?

When perps are in your dreams...

Yesterday and today I have been spending time out of town. Relaxing and enjoying the weather. Last night, however, was not such a pleasant night of sleep. I had 2 dreams about my abuser. 2. Dammit. Why does he even have to ruin my sleep. I only remember the context of one of the dreams. I was begging him, literally, face to face, to give me restitution. My excuse for the restitution was so that I could have money to pay for my GREs. Doesn't make sense. I was upset at the way he treated me. Laughing at me. Laughing. I'm trying to find meaning behind this dream. But I can't. I haven't thought about confronting him, ever.

I don't know what to make of this dream. It's bothering me though.

Anyway, I'm off to enjoy another day of sunshine. I hope you all can do the same!

Remember this feeling...

Alright, so I wasted the day away today. Literally. Layin' around watchin lifetime original movies. It was great. BUT I have so much crap to do so I was on edge. And I kept thinking about how I needed to continue working out. I HAVE to keep working out. It's so good for me. But it wasn't until 730 that I decided to do it. I forced myself to do it. It really is a choice. A hard choice. I could work out to relieve stress or I could sit and sulk and eat. I can heal or I cannot heal.

The amount of energy it takes to make that choice is overwhelming. But I did it. Yet again I had to push through that first mile, I hate that first mile. But I ended up kicking ass...I didn't have to stop and walk as much!!! Wooohooo. After that first mile, I recognized how good it felt...it felt so good. I miss working out. So I repeated to myself, outloud, 'remember this feeling, remember this feeling.' I have to remember that feeling because the next day, when I'm getting ready to make that choice, hopefully I will decide to make a change. It's so easy to forget how good it feels to be on top. To make that change. Enjoy that moment. It's amazing how fast you forget that feeling when you return to your regular everday activities. Don't forget it. Remember it always.

I'm lucky to have this athletic ability. Getting back into shape is so similar to healing (don't get me wrong tho, healing is sooooo much harder). I'm just going to keep telling myself to 'remember that feeling' whenever I have an off day. I hope that survivors find something similar to hold on to. To help them through the rough times.

I feel the need to report my everday workouts on this blog. I think that will help me feel obligated to continue my workouts. Cause I don't want to report that I am falling back into my hole.

Who enjoys a rainy day?

Iposted my last entry about two hours ago while I was in a crappy mood. Now I'm a bit better. I realized while I was typing that I was in a moment that I needed to push through, break through the wall, run that extra mile. Normally I would sit here and sulk in my own misery, eating everything until I was nauseous. I decided to change that. I went for a walk along the Erie Canal, a walk I have never made before. It's a rainy crappy day here in western new york but I decided to forget that and focus on my breathing while I was walking (taking advice from Angela Shelton).

At first I soaked in what was occurring in nature at the time. Rain falling on the flowers and trees, animals running around, ducks swimming in the canal. They seemed to be enjoying the rainy day. Why wasn't I?

Walking and thinking really allowed me to deal with my loneliness. Except, whenever I felt myself getting emotional, I closed myself up and held in the tears. I kept breathing. Then I realized that this is what is keeping me so messed up...I never let myself feel. I seriously have gotten so good at controlling my emotinons that when I try to embrace them, I push them away without even knowing it.

On the way back, I closed my eyes and listened to everything. The birds, the frogs, the rain. The rain sounds so pretty when if falls on the water and the leaves. Have you ever listened? That got me thinking...who decided that rainy days are gloomy days. Has anyone ever gotten out and enjoyed them. I mean really enjoyed them. There's peace when you sit and listen...and let the rain fall on your skin. While I was thinking this....I got all emotional. It made me think of Natasha Bedingfield's song, Unwritten. And then...wouldn't you know it, I CRIED. Man. I cried the first time I heard this song cause I think it speaks to survivors.

"Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten"

Feel the rain on your skin...YOUR SKIN. No one elses. They can't feel it. They can't understand it. It's yours to take in, yours to hold, and yours to express, however you wish, whenever you wish. There was harmony in nature today and I found it. Rainy days don't have to be gloomy days. Today I was having a rainy, down, crappy day. But I changed it. It was a choice. I enjoyed the rain. I took the step, walked/ran that extra mile.

Angela Shelton always talks about breathing and going on hikes/bike rides/walks etc. I wasn't sure how that would help. But it did. A lot. Thanks Angela.

When you're down, instead of eating, cutting, or whatever you do to self-injure...go on a walk. Even if it's raining. Leave the umbrella at home. And feel the rain on your skin...

Rollercoasters

So today is kind of a downer. I've realized that I go up and down with this whole healing thing. A few days ago I was ready to fight the world in a rage. A couple days ago I was all about exercising, eating right, and healing (I still am, but it's a off day). Today, I'm trying to hold on to that energy. I'm lonely. I hate it. If only I had a fellow survivor in the area that wanted to work on healing together. I feel like that may make it easier. Apparantly today I'm trying to get past that 'first mile'...again.

Healing = Working out!?!

I had a revelation while I was out for a run this afternoon. I have struggled over the past couple years to maintain the same level of activity that I was so used to in high school and my first year of college. I was always the athlete that played three sports year round...until I lost the love. They say that depression can cause you to stop doing the things you love. It's true. I stopped working out, focusing every ounce of energy I had into working instead, constantly working. For the past year I have attemtped to get back into shape, but it is incredibly hard to start from scratch. I feel as though I have lost all athletic ability.

While I was running today, I realized that training yourself back into shape is equivalent to the healing process in many ways. As an athlete, if you stop working out for a week you can feel the difference when you start again. To wait a year or two is even harder. As I was running, at the beginning I swore I would never make it. My goal was three miles (running and walking at first). By the end of the first 1/2 of a mile I was beating myself up mentally, I swore I couldn't do it. But I pressed on with the discussions of working out in order to releave stress in the back of my mind.

By the end of the second mile, I was loving it. Man it felt good. I hit my groove and passed my comfort zone. I've always been taught that if you want to become a better athlete, you have to work outside of your comfort zone. Staying in that comfort zone would have caused me to quit in the first mile. This can relate to the healing process in so many ways.

For years I have attempted to begin the healing process. My many attempts ended in the first "mile." Beginning the healing process forces you to face an incredible amount of emotions that you have tried so hard to control. Healing means losing control, stepping outside of your comfort zone. This is not easy because oftentimes, you have to start the process over the next day. You run, in the first half a mile you want to slip back into your hole. If you don't press on, you fall back on old habits.

Everyday requires a commitment to healing, if not, you fall back out of shape and into old habits. My experience with athletics, however, creates an optimistic outlook. It gets better. Eventually you can run 3 miles without walking, eventually your time improves. Eventually you forget how painful those first few weeks of training were.

I hope my analogy holds true. I hope that eventually I will wake up in the morning without dreading the hard day of training (healing) that is ahead of me. Cuz right now, it feels like boot camp.

Allowing yourself to heal...it's not that easy.

How do you commit to a life focused on healing when you have spent the majority of your life trying to run? HOW?

I've been taking everyone's advice on 'taking time out for yourself' and 'working playtime into your life'. I have. I started working out like I used to and I sit down when I eat my meals (I'm a workaholic, so this is hard). But it's not doing the trick. So many emotions are taking over me...I cry at the drop of a hat. The other day I was listening to the RENT soundtrack in my car, how do you measure a year? The song says to measure it in love. I was torn. So many aspects of my life are perfect. I have an amazing family, great friends, and I'm successful in school. There's all kinds of love floatin around there. Why then, am I so lonely, longing for love? Taking time out for myself has made me face these crazy lonely feelings I have. It sucks.

Old habits are not far behind, waiting to snatch me back into a fog. A fog that refuses to let me see what I am really feeling. How do you fight it? Healing has a double edged sword...focusing on yourself is supposed to help you heal, but focusing on yourself is making you lose all control. If we only had the time and energy to lose all control, then the healing process could take the fast track.

I am frustrated beyond belief...why is life so easy for offenders? Even if they get time in jail they NEVER put in the time of pain, self-mutilation, and suffering that a survivor has to do. So what their name may get put on a registry if they are level three (which is highly unlikely). Oh no, people may know where you live for a few years. That is a minor setback in life. You're trying to hide from the public, I'm trying to hide from myself. Myself and everyone else.

I'm hurt. I'm suffering. Yet, I'm surviving. They say this is what you have to do to heal. Will it ever be over? Will I ever go at least 24 hours without making every effort to survive? I hope so.

Pay Attention!!!

I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. It does. BUT, at the moment I am struggling to find out why my mother had to have yet another traumatic experience today. She was in a car accident. Some jerk who was in a hurry pulled out in front of her...practically totaling her car. Maybe my mother was picked b/c her car is more capable of withstanding that kind of an impact?!? Maybe it was b/c she is so strong and more able to handle traumatic situations?!

Dear Gods and Goddesses,
Please stop picking on my mom. She's been through hell and back. She deserves a break.
Thanks.
Alisha

Recognizing a need for change

I recently received a smack in the face when Angela Shelton (http://www.searchingforangelashelton.com) came to visit SUNY Brockport. I originally organized this event in hopes that I would be able to reach out to survivors of sexual assault and domestic violence in the Rochester region. Little did I know, I was one of those survivors that needed help.

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I was sexually abused by my babysitter's son from the ages of 5-9. I have had problems that have stemmed from my abuse since, yet I have worked up this incredible tolerance, often ignoring my own cries for help. I tell myself that everything is fine, when it is not. It was not until I was driving Angela back to the airport that I realized I am still suffering from my abuse. I put so much energy into hiding my feelings when Angela was here, that by the time she was leaving, I was running out of steam. The days that came after became more and more difficult. Every emotion I had suppressed was beginning to float to the surface. How could I have fooled myself? I am a 22 year old young woman who has not had a relationship in 3 years and who has never had good sex. The only attention I seek and receive from males is negative (that way I know the guy is an ass, which is easier than trusting someone only to find out he is a jerk).

Immediately after the event on May 1st with Angela, I withdrew myself from social contact. I still talk to people, but it is not the same. These emotions are taking over, I have lost control. In fact, I had a complete breakdown in front of one of my favorite professors (how embarassing). I don't like to cry in front of people which is basically why I have withdrawn myself. I'm sad. I want to heal, I want to face my problems, but how?

I started this blog in hopes that I can share my struggles with other survivors. I know I am not alone. Hopefully this blog will provoke others to join this conversation, sharing words of wisdom on the healing process. Together we can figure out how to heal. I also hope that those who are not survivors will join in the conversation...afterall, you most likely know a survivor (even if you think you don't, I gaurantee you do).